You probably wouldn't think that Fight Club taught me something about the human condition that had absolutely nothing to do with anarchy. There was a quote both Edward Norton and Helena Bonham Carter said together that stuck with me and to this day i still use. "When people think your dying they actually listen to you, instead of waiting for their turn to speak."
This has been especially true for me. I'm a writer, i want to write more than anything. It's my dream, it's why i have this blog. I don't want to be famous, and that's why i use fake names and haven't even revealed my name yet. Truth be told i just can't trust anybody. I literally have no one i can trust. Just 2 people, my aunt and uncle. And i don't want to burden them with my problems, so they don't even know i have any. I don't want to get married out of fear i'll marry my own mother or have a daughter like my sister. Plus i still don't think anyone will measure up to Lucy.
With all that said, in this world i am alone. Which yeah is what i wanted, but it doesn't mean it doesn't suck. The thing about my life, no one supported me. I had to be on my own, which sucks because i'm dependent. I'd be stupid not to think that was true. I need my parents. My father has jobs lined up for me, he wants me to go to school so i can be rich and have a job where i'm my own boss, he thinks that will make me happy. He's wrong. Everything that would've made me happy has passed already. Lucy, chance at the world at my feet. Just everything. My best friend thinks the same way though, and so does my other friend. They want to go to school so they can get a job doing something easy and getting paid for it. I'm different and stupid because i want to do something i love no matter what i'm paid. I'm actually part of a music website now as an intern. I'm not doing too bad i think. The website is just starting up, it'd be great to have it blow up. Point is though, when i told people about it they had the same reaction. My dad, my sis, and even my friend heard that i'm doing it and said, "...oh. Well that's good." Which sounds like they're happy for me, but it translate to, "You were serious about that?"
It just shows me that no one has faith in me. No one really knows me, what's worse no one wants to even attempt. I'm not one to go looking for it, i want people to sincerely be interested. But people are even bad at faking. A girl who really likes me supports me, and she wants to talk to me always, always asks me how i'm doing and what i wanna do and shit. But when we actually sit down and talk she always interrupts me, she wants to talk about her bf, she's just waiting for her turn to talk. I just, don't want to deal with this shit anymore. I'm tired. I'm tired of people who are genuinely uninterested in me and expect me to just fall in line.
Today my friend texted me asking for music. Weird but okay. this is my best friend Samwise. He asks me for music and i start telling him shit i've been telling him for a long time now. passion Pit, Yeah Yeah Yeah's, Atmosphere, Kid Cudi. Besides Atmosphere, he listens to all of them already. Told me someone ELSE told him about it. I remember one day he told me he loved Matt and Kim. I knew them back since Lessons Learned. And he told me about Daylight like he just found the Holy Grail. I didn't think anything of it at the time. But i realized what's been going on. My music tastes are heavily diverse and evolved because i went through 3 years where that's all i had, so i basically have the deepest taste in music. I know the best. And my best friend knows that, and he competes with me every now and then. But he's just trying to find the perfect music for the time. You know, what's mainstream. Basically, when Samwise is loving what just came out, what i've been telling him to listen to, i'm already on the next big thing. This sounds awesome, but it's a curse. Because the music i like always sucks to people. People think i have shitty music taste. So when i gave him my party music and he had it all already, he told me about Project X and how much he wanted to party. I told him i don't party, i don't need to see it. i don't party because there's no one to party with. No one partys where i am. And he tells me, "That's sad." In an unsympathetic way.
Look i live a sad life, have been for the past 7 years. I don't need my best friend to point out i have a sad life. It's just frustrating that there's nothing i can do about it. I'm incredibly frustrated, because i feel like i'm doing everything right, but in the end, it doesn't mean shit.
So i can't trust anyone now. No body thinks i'll make it as a writer, no one wants to get to know me, no one cares. What makes it worse is that one person did care, one person wanted to know me, and one person knew i'd make it... Lucy. And i'm the asshole who sent her away.
So i can't trust anyone, the only person i know for a fact loves me hates me now, no one thinks i'll make it anywhere, and my future is depending on me getting serious about writing, or dropping my dreams to make money.
....And people wonder why i'm depressed.
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