So there's an argument about something you may know about, but never really knew there was a label to. The "Pink Aisle" in toy stores. Oh yeah, there is a controversy to an entire aisle being pink. People feel that this enforces a stereotype that girls should be girls and boys should be boys. Girls play with dolls, and boy play with tools. Of course this way of thinking is stupid and outdated, everyone wants to fight for the complete equality of people. We want to live in a society that is accepting of every kind of person, no matter what toys they like to play with. But... i don't know if i accept this.
Well sure, of course we have to be accepting of every type of person, and i'm not saying that if i had a son who liked playing with barbies i would hate him, but is gender stereotyping really so bad? I grew up in a world where girls liked to play with dolls, and boys liked to play with cars. I kind of liked that. Going to a toy store, it's interesting to see what girls are supposed to play with, and what guys are supposed to play with. I mean, in the end i usually just got whatever my parents bought me. But i played with whatever toys i had at my disposal. Yes i even played with the barbies. Of course, i used them as the token women in my toy stories, but that's a whole other topic. The point is, i found use for every toy i had. My sister played with barbies and i considered her one of the toughest people i knew, Where as i played with Super heroes and movie characters and i was a huge wimp.
Gender stereotyping never changed the way i thought, it just showed me organization. That's all it was to me. I mean, by contrast, if i walked into a clothing store, i'd like to know the difference between the men's section and the women's section. I wouldn't want them to be all shuffled in one spot. Plus, nowadays it is a bit difficult to tell the difference between a small men's shirt and a large women's shirt....
That is a bit of an extreme example, but you get my point. I want things organized, simply because i want to be able to know where to go when i want specific things. There's no way we can organize toys so that there is no pink aisle. You'd have to make all the boxes a single color. This whole pink aisle, blue aisle discussion is complete nonsense, but what about other stereotypes? The damsel in distress, the action hero, sexy girls, rugged guys, men have muscles, women have curves.
My blog is called chasing cliche's, you already know where i stand. I love stereotypes. To change them, would be like changing the bible, it just wouldn't work. All of our lives stem from our past, we can't change it. I have completely embraced stereotypes. You know what? The best stories come from stereotypes. It's not even that the stories are reiterations, but they are reworked stereotypes. I love seeing people having fun with stereotypes. Authors who make women tough, men sensitive, the military men gay, and the housewife an action hero. Stereotypes are some of the best things we have in our society. It just all depends on how we choose to use them. And in my opinion, that is where we can really tell if we are sexist or not.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Life
I've seen it before, and i'm seeing it more often now. People don't just want to be alive. I mean we all are alive, we all are people. We are human, we have this damn humanity that we can never shake off of ourselves. That just isn't enough anymore. People want to feel like they're part of something bigger than themselves. People want to feel like there's something out there, something you can't put into words.
This used to be religion. Religion was the biggest thing in our world, because it was profound and transcendent. Joseph Campbell was friends with a man named Heinrich Zimmer who would always say, "The best things can't be told, because they transcend thought. The second best are misunderstood, because those are the thoughts that are supposed to refer to that which can't be thought about, and one gets stuck in the thoughts. The third best are what we talk about."
In this way, think of God. God is something that's talked about all the time, he's referred to everyday, by any person. We talk about him, he's one of those best things. He represents the mystery of life, the questions we ask, why are we here? Why are we alive? What is our true purpose? Those questions, the misunderstandings of what the meaning of life really is, those are the second best things. And the answer to those questions? Well that's the greatest thing of all. But it can't be answered. The answer is transcendent, it's beyond our understanding. It's why they can't be told, it's why it's misunderstood, and this is why we created this man called God as a sort of proxy to think about this. It's the very root of mythology, trying to understand the human condition.
But let's stop thinking about religion now. This topic is not about religion at all, it's just an example. How does this correlate to everyday life? Let's dumb this down, let's simplify it.
People on Facebook, they go through everyday, posting hundreds of statuses, sad, happy, mad, glad, whatever. But then you see the rants. You see people talking about something that's going through their mind for the day. A rant is a scope into that persons day, what they thought so much about. Anyone is capable of this. But why are they posting up personal information up on a public forum? They'll post something about their parents, or people, money, women, men, love, or even religion. They'll talk about something that really isn't the business of anyone else. Why? It's because they want someone to say something, they want to share an idea, or a topic and discuss it with a large group of people.
I have a friend, he's part of a pyramid scheme, but they're all happy. I mean obviously pyramid schemes are stupid and really shouldn't be encouraged. But for the first time in a long time, my friend is finding themselves happy. Why is this? It's because she's part of something, she's found a place that welcomes her. It's the same thing as religion, as a cult, as an after school group, as a charity, as any kind of group. It's something that's bigger than her, and she's part of it. No one wants to be alone, everyone wants to feel accepted. Encouraged. They want to believe in something that not even their own family will do. People want to believe in something that's bigger then themselves. That's what life is all about, the experience. Everyone wants to experience something greater, because no body wants to only be human.
And that's what it all comes down to, belief. Belief is stronger than knowledge, believe it or not. To know something, is to know something absolute. But to truly believe in something, that's to give yourself, 100% mind body soul, to something. Something bigger than you. Everyone knows that death is right around the corner, everyone knows that one day, you're going to die. But it's that person that truly believes death is coming that people worry about. I can easily say that i'm going to die one day, and that's nothing. No body would bat an eye, but to say that i truly believe i'll be dead soon, and to believe with all my soul, you'd be worried wouldn't you? You'd stay away. You don't want to be anywhere near me when i go off.
This isn't an opinion on anything. Back to my friend, how can i judge him? He's happy. To judge him, on how he found his happiness, i have to offer a proper substitute, and how can i when i don't have my own? I'm not part of anything, i'm not following any group, and i'm not trying to find something bigger than me. He found his own happiness, and a friend, i'll just stay to side and be glad that he found something to be happy about. Until then, i have to chase my bliss. Bliss, is happiness.
This used to be religion. Religion was the biggest thing in our world, because it was profound and transcendent. Joseph Campbell was friends with a man named Heinrich Zimmer who would always say, "The best things can't be told, because they transcend thought. The second best are misunderstood, because those are the thoughts that are supposed to refer to that which can't be thought about, and one gets stuck in the thoughts. The third best are what we talk about."
In this way, think of God. God is something that's talked about all the time, he's referred to everyday, by any person. We talk about him, he's one of those best things. He represents the mystery of life, the questions we ask, why are we here? Why are we alive? What is our true purpose? Those questions, the misunderstandings of what the meaning of life really is, those are the second best things. And the answer to those questions? Well that's the greatest thing of all. But it can't be answered. The answer is transcendent, it's beyond our understanding. It's why they can't be told, it's why it's misunderstood, and this is why we created this man called God as a sort of proxy to think about this. It's the very root of mythology, trying to understand the human condition.
But let's stop thinking about religion now. This topic is not about religion at all, it's just an example. How does this correlate to everyday life? Let's dumb this down, let's simplify it.
People on Facebook, they go through everyday, posting hundreds of statuses, sad, happy, mad, glad, whatever. But then you see the rants. You see people talking about something that's going through their mind for the day. A rant is a scope into that persons day, what they thought so much about. Anyone is capable of this. But why are they posting up personal information up on a public forum? They'll post something about their parents, or people, money, women, men, love, or even religion. They'll talk about something that really isn't the business of anyone else. Why? It's because they want someone to say something, they want to share an idea, or a topic and discuss it with a large group of people.
I have a friend, he's part of a pyramid scheme, but they're all happy. I mean obviously pyramid schemes are stupid and really shouldn't be encouraged. But for the first time in a long time, my friend is finding themselves happy. Why is this? It's because she's part of something, she's found a place that welcomes her. It's the same thing as religion, as a cult, as an after school group, as a charity, as any kind of group. It's something that's bigger than her, and she's part of it. No one wants to be alone, everyone wants to feel accepted. Encouraged. They want to believe in something that not even their own family will do. People want to believe in something that's bigger then themselves. That's what life is all about, the experience. Everyone wants to experience something greater, because no body wants to only be human.
And that's what it all comes down to, belief. Belief is stronger than knowledge, believe it or not. To know something, is to know something absolute. But to truly believe in something, that's to give yourself, 100% mind body soul, to something. Something bigger than you. Everyone knows that death is right around the corner, everyone knows that one day, you're going to die. But it's that person that truly believes death is coming that people worry about. I can easily say that i'm going to die one day, and that's nothing. No body would bat an eye, but to say that i truly believe i'll be dead soon, and to believe with all my soul, you'd be worried wouldn't you? You'd stay away. You don't want to be anywhere near me when i go off.
This isn't an opinion on anything. Back to my friend, how can i judge him? He's happy. To judge him, on how he found his happiness, i have to offer a proper substitute, and how can i when i don't have my own? I'm not part of anything, i'm not following any group, and i'm not trying to find something bigger than me. He found his own happiness, and a friend, i'll just stay to side and be glad that he found something to be happy about. Until then, i have to chase my bliss. Bliss, is happiness.
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Different Types of Cheating
Don't look at me like that. There ARE different ways you can cheat. Now i know what you're thinking. "If a girl/guy cheats on you that means they don't love you." I'm afraid that isn't entirely right.
Hey i'm just writing this shit down from personal experience, considering i have cheated on someone, and have been cheated on, i can offer you the different perspectives.
Now let's just get the most obvious out of the way. Yes a girl can cheat on you and that means she don't love you anymore. (I'm a guy so for the sake of this blog i'm gonna write in the POV of a man thank you.) Now imagine you're in a relationship. You are with a girl you're in love with, and you find out she had sex with another guy. If you confront her about it, she'll cry in shame and feel horrible and beg to be given another shot.... Yeah she don't love you anymore. The only reason she'd want another shot is so that you guys can break up in a way that doesn't make her look like a complete bitch. And the same goes for guys. No body wants to be a cheater. That's why when they do it they always want another shot or they break up with you. They don't want to be the bad guy. They want to be the right one that breaks up the relationship. And if they cheat on you, they do it because they don't love you the same, and they are looking for something a bit more real.
Now let's talk about my Ex gf Kim for a bit. She cheated on her boyfriend who she claimed to love. She cheated on him many many times. She goes to college, he was still in high school. He applied to her college and got in, he wanted to be with her. All the while she was going to parties, doing drugs, getting drunk and fucking random guys she didn't care about. Now did she love him?... Actually yea she did.
Here's the thing about me. If i hear you say that you love someone, no matter how much you mean it or not, i know that somewhere in your heart you HAVE to love them. No one can just say they love someone without meaning it a little. I'm a hopeless romantic, and i also know this girl better than she knows herself. She wouldn't lie about that. Chances are she really loved him. So why did she cheat on him? She's an attention whore, she wants guys to want her. Even before she met her boyfriend, thats how she got guys to fall for her. Yeah i understand how pathetic that sounds, but there are a lot of girls like that. And yeah that sounds worse, but this is the kind of world we live in now. She loves her bf, truly. But she has her own problems, and they involve sex with other guys. I don't think he ever found out either. Yeah they broke up. She probably broke it.
The third way of cheating. Now my other ex Lucy, she cheated on her boyfriend with me. We didn't have sex, but god we were close. And she initiated it. The only reason we didn't do it was because i was unprotected. She was pissed, texted me the next day and said we couldn't do it. When i asked why she said, "Before it could've been a mistake, i've had way too much time to think about it now."
This is something that is pretty uncommon. The purposeful accident. She came over my house with malevolence, and we started going at it. Of course in her right mind she knew what she was doing, and so did i. She was hoping to have a happy accident with me. One that might truly make her reconsider her bf. You see she loved him, but he treated her like shit. She was using me to help her lose him. In the end, she wound up falling for me. And i cheated on her.
No i didn't sleep with anyone. This is the fourth way you can cheat on your significant other. Time. I had a best friend who was a girl. And we acted like a couple, we did things couples did, hung out everywhere, every hour, talked every day. Went to each others jobs, went to the same school, saw movies and shows. Drank, played games, all that adorable shit. And I did this, with my girlfriend on the side. She was pissed and wanted me compromise not to hang out so late at night with my best friend. I didn't listen. Instead i rebelled and My best friend and I hung out till 6 in the morning. With that, My girlfriend and I broke up.
You see, you don't have to have sex with someone else to cheat on your girlfriend or boyfriend. You don't need to do much of anything to hurt them. It's all on how you handle it. Just like some couples can stay together even though one person cheated on the other, some couples won't make it even though they were faithful. There are reasons for this. There are different ways to cheat on someone. And there's not that many to prove you love them.
Hey i'm just writing this shit down from personal experience, considering i have cheated on someone, and have been cheated on, i can offer you the different perspectives.
Now let's just get the most obvious out of the way. Yes a girl can cheat on you and that means she don't love you anymore. (I'm a guy so for the sake of this blog i'm gonna write in the POV of a man thank you.) Now imagine you're in a relationship. You are with a girl you're in love with, and you find out she had sex with another guy. If you confront her about it, she'll cry in shame and feel horrible and beg to be given another shot.... Yeah she don't love you anymore. The only reason she'd want another shot is so that you guys can break up in a way that doesn't make her look like a complete bitch. And the same goes for guys. No body wants to be a cheater. That's why when they do it they always want another shot or they break up with you. They don't want to be the bad guy. They want to be the right one that breaks up the relationship. And if they cheat on you, they do it because they don't love you the same, and they are looking for something a bit more real.
Now let's talk about my Ex gf Kim for a bit. She cheated on her boyfriend who she claimed to love. She cheated on him many many times. She goes to college, he was still in high school. He applied to her college and got in, he wanted to be with her. All the while she was going to parties, doing drugs, getting drunk and fucking random guys she didn't care about. Now did she love him?... Actually yea she did.
Here's the thing about me. If i hear you say that you love someone, no matter how much you mean it or not, i know that somewhere in your heart you HAVE to love them. No one can just say they love someone without meaning it a little. I'm a hopeless romantic, and i also know this girl better than she knows herself. She wouldn't lie about that. Chances are she really loved him. So why did she cheat on him? She's an attention whore, she wants guys to want her. Even before she met her boyfriend, thats how she got guys to fall for her. Yeah i understand how pathetic that sounds, but there are a lot of girls like that. And yeah that sounds worse, but this is the kind of world we live in now. She loves her bf, truly. But she has her own problems, and they involve sex with other guys. I don't think he ever found out either. Yeah they broke up. She probably broke it.
The third way of cheating. Now my other ex Lucy, she cheated on her boyfriend with me. We didn't have sex, but god we were close. And she initiated it. The only reason we didn't do it was because i was unprotected. She was pissed, texted me the next day and said we couldn't do it. When i asked why she said, "Before it could've been a mistake, i've had way too much time to think about it now."
This is something that is pretty uncommon. The purposeful accident. She came over my house with malevolence, and we started going at it. Of course in her right mind she knew what she was doing, and so did i. She was hoping to have a happy accident with me. One that might truly make her reconsider her bf. You see she loved him, but he treated her like shit. She was using me to help her lose him. In the end, she wound up falling for me. And i cheated on her.
No i didn't sleep with anyone. This is the fourth way you can cheat on your significant other. Time. I had a best friend who was a girl. And we acted like a couple, we did things couples did, hung out everywhere, every hour, talked every day. Went to each others jobs, went to the same school, saw movies and shows. Drank, played games, all that adorable shit. And I did this, with my girlfriend on the side. She was pissed and wanted me compromise not to hang out so late at night with my best friend. I didn't listen. Instead i rebelled and My best friend and I hung out till 6 in the morning. With that, My girlfriend and I broke up.
You see, you don't have to have sex with someone else to cheat on your girlfriend or boyfriend. You don't need to do much of anything to hurt them. It's all on how you handle it. Just like some couples can stay together even though one person cheated on the other, some couples won't make it even though they were faithful. There are reasons for this. There are different ways to cheat on someone. And there's not that many to prove you love them.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
That Which Stay's With You
I'm running on about 20 grape tomatoes, fruity pebbles, and about 5 cups of chocolate pudding. Thank god for wireless keyboards, i can walk while writing. I love to walk. I just saw a pic of my ex, updated. She's in town. Came back for a visit. Of course not for me, but for her family.
She still looks beautiful. and this has nothing to do with anything.
I want to write. Like seriously become a writer. My blog is called chasing cliches because i study them. Cliches i mean. But it just leaves me so confused. I follow moral guidelines. I have a conscience, a loud one as previously discussed. So i listen to him. My heart. Hopefully it'll lead me in the right direction. But how can i hope to go the right direction when i don't even know which way it is.There are so many contradictions, so many loop holes and loose ends, how can you even know who's right or wrong?
On the surface i want to tell you cheating is wrong. That if you truly love someone you wouldn't cheat on them. Even so you should never cheat on anyone because no one deserves that. Everyone is beautiful. Treat everyone the way you should be treated and that you should never lie.
But i've experienced the contradictions. I fell in love with a woman who had been dating a guy for a full year. She cheated on him with me, and we both fell in love. She broke up with him for me, and she didn't tell him about me. After that we dated, and i never cheated on her... but i hung out with a friend of mine who was a girl. This hurt my gf, and she just couldn't deal with a long distance relationship with her bf hanging out everyday with another girl. So i lied to her. To protect her from anymore pain. But lying is so against what i'm about that i had to confess. And she broke up with me. After that my best friend left me for her bf, and when they broke up she contacted me again saying she was sorry. Like what happened with my ex and I. I didn't forgive her, though i want my ex to forgive me.
Everything that happened there was true, and i'm positive you can see where i was right, where i was wrong, and how easy it must have been to make the mistakes i did. But then who's wrong? Am i wrong for choosing a best friend over a girlfriend? Am i wrong for trying to protect the one i love? Am i wrong for not giving my friend a second chance? Or are they wrong? Is my ex wrong for not trusting me? Is my best friend wrong for choosing her bf over me after learning how well it went for me?
There is no clear line. There is no definite right or wrong. And this isn't a rare occurrence. This is the way the world works. This is the world you're stepping into. It's a horrible place with a beauty so gorgeous, a life so profound that is hellishly easy to lose. But that's what makes that which stays with you forever so much more meaningful. You cherish that which you obviously should've lost, and you kick yourself for the things you did. But than again... if you lose something, did you even deserve to have it in the first place? Should you even have had it?
I've lost a great many things in my life. I've wept and pounded on the floor, i've put holes in walls, and felt cuts in my heart. I've had head pains and heartaches, longings and alienation. Loneliness and suicide. I can't say i've had a miserable life, because than i would have missed the whole point of living. I can't complain because i have no right to, i've made the bed i lie in. I don't want to be humble, because i don't want to be viewed as humble. I don't want humble to be a characteristic i have, yet i don't want untrustworthy to follow me around like it has been. I don't want people to hate me, but i don't want fake love. I want people to talk to me but i hate hearing them talk so insincerely, like they don't care about a word i say. I love people, but i hate them at the same time. The world is beautiful, yet shit at the same time.
I've learned the hard way that things can't be just this, that or this. There's no black and white, there's this incredible hue of colors that represent the world, from it's darkest moments to it's most beautiful. We have to appreciate every little thing that comes towards us, love every rose ignoring their thorns. My first assumption was correct. there is no ugly. There is only that which we enjoy or stay away from. To call anything ugly would be to say that there are things in the world that are completely useless and that is not true. It's the ugly that helps us appreciate the beautiful. Everything has beauty in it. It was my mother who taught me all the horrible things a woman can be, and i now have grown to be this confused and curious person i am. My sister hated me, and that taught me how to show everything in the world love and friendliness, that everything deserves a chance to bloom. My family and friends have all shown me things that maybe i shouldn't have experienced, but for better or worse it may be who i am.
Now this is where my daily epiphany comes in. At the end of the day, i'll turn on a song i love, i'll stand with my hat pulled down over my eyes, one hand on my chest, and my foot lifted constantly hitting the floor with my toes. And i love it. I love myself. As much as i say i hate myself, as much as i self degrade myself, as much as i second guess my motives, my experiences, what i live for, what i write and what i have done to a beautiful girl named M, i still love all that i am. I love the feel of my hair, the sound of my feet on the floor, my legs as the cross and step in weird ways, i love my taste in shoes, my stubborness wearing my hates. my awkward speech, my outlook on life, and my appreciation for a field of dreams with a lone tree that may or may not exist. My dreams of building a house in the desert or an island, the influence i have on my brother, or that way the rain feels on my skin. My obsession with water and my love for the earth, toying with fire and the feel of air.
Appreciation... probably the most beautiful thing in the whole world. But before you show it to anyone, be sure to show it to yourself.
She still looks beautiful. and this has nothing to do with anything.
I want to write. Like seriously become a writer. My blog is called chasing cliches because i study them. Cliches i mean. But it just leaves me so confused. I follow moral guidelines. I have a conscience, a loud one as previously discussed. So i listen to him. My heart. Hopefully it'll lead me in the right direction. But how can i hope to go the right direction when i don't even know which way it is.There are so many contradictions, so many loop holes and loose ends, how can you even know who's right or wrong?
On the surface i want to tell you cheating is wrong. That if you truly love someone you wouldn't cheat on them. Even so you should never cheat on anyone because no one deserves that. Everyone is beautiful. Treat everyone the way you should be treated and that you should never lie.
But i've experienced the contradictions. I fell in love with a woman who had been dating a guy for a full year. She cheated on him with me, and we both fell in love. She broke up with him for me, and she didn't tell him about me. After that we dated, and i never cheated on her... but i hung out with a friend of mine who was a girl. This hurt my gf, and she just couldn't deal with a long distance relationship with her bf hanging out everyday with another girl. So i lied to her. To protect her from anymore pain. But lying is so against what i'm about that i had to confess. And she broke up with me. After that my best friend left me for her bf, and when they broke up she contacted me again saying she was sorry. Like what happened with my ex and I. I didn't forgive her, though i want my ex to forgive me.
Everything that happened there was true, and i'm positive you can see where i was right, where i was wrong, and how easy it must have been to make the mistakes i did. But then who's wrong? Am i wrong for choosing a best friend over a girlfriend? Am i wrong for trying to protect the one i love? Am i wrong for not giving my friend a second chance? Or are they wrong? Is my ex wrong for not trusting me? Is my best friend wrong for choosing her bf over me after learning how well it went for me?
There is no clear line. There is no definite right or wrong. And this isn't a rare occurrence. This is the way the world works. This is the world you're stepping into. It's a horrible place with a beauty so gorgeous, a life so profound that is hellishly easy to lose. But that's what makes that which stays with you forever so much more meaningful. You cherish that which you obviously should've lost, and you kick yourself for the things you did. But than again... if you lose something, did you even deserve to have it in the first place? Should you even have had it?
I've lost a great many things in my life. I've wept and pounded on the floor, i've put holes in walls, and felt cuts in my heart. I've had head pains and heartaches, longings and alienation. Loneliness and suicide. I can't say i've had a miserable life, because than i would have missed the whole point of living. I can't complain because i have no right to, i've made the bed i lie in. I don't want to be humble, because i don't want to be viewed as humble. I don't want humble to be a characteristic i have, yet i don't want untrustworthy to follow me around like it has been. I don't want people to hate me, but i don't want fake love. I want people to talk to me but i hate hearing them talk so insincerely, like they don't care about a word i say. I love people, but i hate them at the same time. The world is beautiful, yet shit at the same time.
I've learned the hard way that things can't be just this, that or this. There's no black and white, there's this incredible hue of colors that represent the world, from it's darkest moments to it's most beautiful. We have to appreciate every little thing that comes towards us, love every rose ignoring their thorns. My first assumption was correct. there is no ugly. There is only that which we enjoy or stay away from. To call anything ugly would be to say that there are things in the world that are completely useless and that is not true. It's the ugly that helps us appreciate the beautiful. Everything has beauty in it. It was my mother who taught me all the horrible things a woman can be, and i now have grown to be this confused and curious person i am. My sister hated me, and that taught me how to show everything in the world love and friendliness, that everything deserves a chance to bloom. My family and friends have all shown me things that maybe i shouldn't have experienced, but for better or worse it may be who i am.
Now this is where my daily epiphany comes in. At the end of the day, i'll turn on a song i love, i'll stand with my hat pulled down over my eyes, one hand on my chest, and my foot lifted constantly hitting the floor with my toes. And i love it. I love myself. As much as i say i hate myself, as much as i self degrade myself, as much as i second guess my motives, my experiences, what i live for, what i write and what i have done to a beautiful girl named M, i still love all that i am. I love the feel of my hair, the sound of my feet on the floor, my legs as the cross and step in weird ways, i love my taste in shoes, my stubborness wearing my hates. my awkward speech, my outlook on life, and my appreciation for a field of dreams with a lone tree that may or may not exist. My dreams of building a house in the desert or an island, the influence i have on my brother, or that way the rain feels on my skin. My obsession with water and my love for the earth, toying with fire and the feel of air.
Appreciation... probably the most beautiful thing in the whole world. But before you show it to anyone, be sure to show it to yourself.
Friday, January 25, 2013
I don't know.
3 words that just seem to define my life as of late. I don't know. I don't know why i'm so passionate about being a writer when i feel like i personally suck at it. I don't know why i don't want to be a cop even though i grew up obsessed with Zelda and admire Link's sense of justice. I don't know why i can only see the good in people, or why i only WANT to see the good in people when i've had so many bad things done to me. I don't know what it is that keeps me so depressed and unmotivated. I don't know why time moves so quickly for me when i don't want it to, but so slow when i'm suffering. I don't know why after all these years i still dislike my mother, and don't trust my father. I don't know why i can't stand around to be my sis or hear her talk. I don't know why even though i felt strong and happy that my grandmothers pain was taken away when she died, but i can't visit her grave. I just don't know why i love going to school and learning, act arrogant yet try to be so humble. I don't know why being humble is so important to me. I have no fuckin' clue why i think about HER every day, every night of these past 3 years even though we went out for maybe less than a month. I don't know why i can't just move on and try out any girl no matter who they are, just to try them out. I don't know why i see every girl as beautiful, yet don't want to try going out with any of them. I don't know why i want to be alone, or why i just don't want to be around people unless i'm working. I don't know why i can't dedicate even a week of my vacation or anytime to the stories i've started but have never finished. I don't know why when i think of her i can't breathe, or i get panic attacks, or i feel pain in my chest as if i suddenly grew a heart. I don't know why i make suicidal jokes, or self-degrading jokes, or heartless and asshole jokes when i even can clearly see i'm a nice guy. I don't know why i want to help so many people, yet don't want to get involved in their messes. I don't know why I hate the situation i am, yet i'm taking my sweet ass time trying to make moves. I don't know why i feel like the world hates me. I don't know why i feel like the world doesn't trust me. I don't know why i feel friendless, loveless, hopeless and brain dead. I don't know why at times i feel like a zombie, like i'm dead, like i have been for years. Like there's nothing i should be living for, yet i am because i'm stubborn.
What do i know? I know that I love the prospect of moving to a place like Seattle, New Mexico, or Scotland. I know that i want to travel and see the most beautiful things the world has to offer. I know that i want to see her one more time and hopefully make her proud. I know that i could never win her back, but i also know that sometimes life isn't about what you want, but what's best for the person you love. I know that i love my aunt, my uncle, and my brother more than anything in the world. I know that i'm done trying to be a teenager, trying to get drunk or high to party with the other teens. I know that i'm not done being a kid yet though, that my imagination and love for video games are what define my morals and interests today. I know that even though i won't have a kid, i don't need one because i've had my hand raising enough people, even if they are people who want nothing to do with me now. I know that it's my passion for learning, writing, and studying people that has kept me going all these years, and that the happiness of one girl, though meaningful to me, isn't what is keeping me alive. I know that it's me doing this to myself.
I guess when your conscience speaks so fuckin' loud, you have no choice but to eventually listen to what it's saying. I don't know if it's my heart talking to me, all i know is someone is saying something. Someone is disagreeing with decisions i may make, and someone know the right ones. Someone is comforting me and helping me take my next foot forward, even though i'm visibly alone when i do it. And as it looms closer to that horrible day, the day that my curse began, my birthday, i know that i'm grateful for every stupid breath i take.
And M. Lucy. Baby girl. Love. Wife. I will always remember what we could've had. What i let go. I'll always be here whenever you need me. You taught me more than anyone ever has in the single month we were together. Even though it was short lived, i saw a lifetime of happiness through your eyes, kids, a future, and growing old. It's gone now, but it existed. And even though we broke up 2 days after my birthday, it will forever be the greatest time in my life currently.
.......Not that i want to forget you. But i do hope things get better.
What do i know? I know that I love the prospect of moving to a place like Seattle, New Mexico, or Scotland. I know that i want to travel and see the most beautiful things the world has to offer. I know that i want to see her one more time and hopefully make her proud. I know that i could never win her back, but i also know that sometimes life isn't about what you want, but what's best for the person you love. I know that i love my aunt, my uncle, and my brother more than anything in the world. I know that i'm done trying to be a teenager, trying to get drunk or high to party with the other teens. I know that i'm not done being a kid yet though, that my imagination and love for video games are what define my morals and interests today. I know that even though i won't have a kid, i don't need one because i've had my hand raising enough people, even if they are people who want nothing to do with me now. I know that it's my passion for learning, writing, and studying people that has kept me going all these years, and that the happiness of one girl, though meaningful to me, isn't what is keeping me alive. I know that it's me doing this to myself.
I guess when your conscience speaks so fuckin' loud, you have no choice but to eventually listen to what it's saying. I don't know if it's my heart talking to me, all i know is someone is saying something. Someone is disagreeing with decisions i may make, and someone know the right ones. Someone is comforting me and helping me take my next foot forward, even though i'm visibly alone when i do it. And as it looms closer to that horrible day, the day that my curse began, my birthday, i know that i'm grateful for every stupid breath i take.
And M. Lucy. Baby girl. Love. Wife. I will always remember what we could've had. What i let go. I'll always be here whenever you need me. You taught me more than anyone ever has in the single month we were together. Even though it was short lived, i saw a lifetime of happiness through your eyes, kids, a future, and growing old. It's gone now, but it existed. And even though we broke up 2 days after my birthday, it will forever be the greatest time in my life currently.
.......Not that i want to forget you. But i do hope things get better.
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