Bullying and Suicide

Before i start my post, i want to link you to a video that was made as an anti-bulling public service announcement type thing.

         Now i'm sure you all have heard of Amanda Todd by now. She's almost a meme. This is a very sensitive topic, and if you can't tell by my previous posts, i'm a person that's very interested in the topic of suicide. This is the type of shit that makes me angry, it makes me angry because of how frustrating and confusing it is, and this issue is very frustrating and convoluted. 

         Now i have been a victim of bullying, i'm sure we all have been at one time or another. Whether its by kids at school, our friends, our siblings, or even our parents. I want to point out something that no body is addressing in this bullying epidemic. THE GOOD GUYS ARE BULLYS TOO! It's like this, i can guarantee you that 100% of the world are victim of bullys at one time or another, and damn near 95% are bullys themselves. Yes those are made up statistics, but they are from what i see in the world. Words hurt, people hurt, people suck. It's just the way it is. You may not know it, but something you say to someone in a certain way could attack their self-esteem slowly and kill them from the inside. Before you know it, they are considering suicide. I'm sure everyone has done it, and we can't move forward as a society until we become comfortable with the fact that suicide is just another rite of passage.

         Now there are good people in this world. I know i have seen it. But its so hard to see the good in places like High School. High School is probably the biggest source of suicide. It's a place where its run by an imaginary hierarchy, we all know it. But it's changed over the years. The cliches and the stereotypes are all mixed up. I'm pretty sure i've addressed this before, but nowadays you can find cheerleaders who are straight A students, Drama kids are the party animals, Jocks can be the nicest guys in the world, Your friends could be the ones to destroy you, and people are just not good to their respective genders. Men are not good to men as women are not good to women. One of the nicest guys i've ever met was a jock, one of the most respectable girls i've ever met was a flag girl. Hottest girl in school too. What i'm saying is, people have got the cliches wrong, and times have changed. We need to understand whats happening now with our kids.

        Something that pisses me off more are all the people who say Amanda Todds suicide wasn't as bad as someone elses. I honestly don't care about people who told Amanda Todd to kill themselves, because some people are stupid and they do that. Some people judge her for being depressed they are just pushing her to the limit so she can stand up on her own two feet. The worst are the people who demean Amanda Todds death by comparing it to someone elses. WE ARE ALL HUMAN. WE ARE ALL EQUAL. To say that one persons death is not as meaningful as another is just....inhuman. People are so ridiculous sometimes.

        What kills me the most though is that there is absolutely nothing to stop this. Bullying will never stop. I'm sorry to be depressing, but its the truth. Hate is a never-ending cycle. Until people become strong enough to stop the hate by themselves, hate will only spread more hate and create more hateful people who will cause suicides. The people who say talk to your parents, talk to your friends, just dont understand. Parents will just say, "Kids will be kids" or "Just deal with it". And if, god forbid, they interfere, your rep in school is worthless. You will be a laughing stock. No one addresses that this is why no one tell their parents, but its the truth. As stupid as that may sound, as much as you may be yelling at the screen, "WHO CARES WHAT PEOPLE THINK!" the hard reality is that kids in high school care what everyone thinks. It's just the natural part of high school. Some people are lucky enough not to care, but most will not be. Some people have no friends to help them. Note that its usually the most popular kids who are the bullies. Also keep in mind that half the time, bullies don't know that they are bullies, and will actually complain about bullies elsewhere.I guarantee you that there were a huge amount of bullies who posted RIP's on facebook to Amanda Todd, and those same people acted angry or hurt that this happened to someone. They acted as if they felt for the victim while they had their own. We live in a blindly hypocritical society and theres nothing we can do to change it.

    ................Now i know i got really depressing on you, but there is something you can do. Be strong. Be better. It is at our lowest where we find true meaning. If you have something to live for, focus on it. When i was suicidal i made a kick-it list. A list of things i wanted to do before i killed myself. A list of goals to accomplish, a promise to myself to achieve the experience of life in all its entirety before ending what i only had one chance for. 3 years later, i didnt need it anymore. I found more reason to live. Some family, great friends, and fantastic people i wanted to see live happily. Until i see those people who mean the most to see absolutely happy, how can i leave? Get through the hard times, you don't have to have a smile on your face. I'm sure it'll be real hard to be smiling after life fucks you over, but as long as you keep walking, as long as you let your heart lead you, you'll quickly find you don't need anyone else but you. And when you reach that Zenith, you'll see all the people below, and you'll find that with the power you've gained, you'll want to be a part of them.

Why is Knowledge a sin?

Now i am not a religious man, But i certainly enjoy the stories. I hold a huge respect for what religion offers us by way of lessons and morality. I'm sure we all know the story of Adam and Eve. The apparent basis of humanity according to Christians. Do we think this story is actually 100% true? That's actually completely ridiculous if you ask me. There's a man by the name of Joseph Campbell who spent his life studying the mythos, the bible and religion for meaning. Very famous mythologist who i believe discovered the meaning of life. But thats another topic for another day. What i want to talk about right now is what he once said about the story of Adam and Eve. He claimed the entire story was basically a metaphor. According to Christians, almost everything you do right now is a sin unless you've been baptized or circumcised. Life in it's very essence is a sin, it's why we try to do so much good now, because the apparent point of life is to just be good until we go to heaven where we belong.

If you examine the story of Adam and Eve you realize that this story is a complete story about turning your back to life. Adam is representative of man, because he is a man. Eve represents life, because as a woman she gives birth. Woman all throughout history are a representative for life. The snake which charmed Eve? Also represents life, because the snake sheds it skin the way the moon sheds its shadow. That's why so many cultures hold the snake to be a religious icon, to be representative of some higher power. So why is it that the icon for life seduces the icon for new life to chase knowledge and that earned a 1 way ticket to this hellish land for which we live now? Knowledge comes from the Tree of knowledge where Eve ate an apple from. What the story is basically saying is that for a baby to grow up and chase knowledge of life is a sin. Basically we're supposed to grow up knowing the bible is law and just accept that as fact. This is the only way to heaven.

This is all well and good. Fine. Whatever. This is back in the day when people didn't think the same. Yes, it's a really childish attitude to just turn your back on life, and to question anything is just in human nature, and turning your back on what you should natural do is just... stupid. Whatever. My question is, why is chasing knowledge a sin?

Now on of my favorite shows of all time is a show called Fullmetal Alchemist. And they actually touch on this fact. Though the show is actually quite sacreligious, and the main focal point of it is to show how its arrogant to consider yourself anything greater than a human, it doesn't explain why knowledge is a sin. Spoiler alert here if you haven't watched the show yet! At the end when they defeat the Dwarf and he meets the Truth and the Truth sentences him to despair beyond the portal of truth, The homunculis asks what is so wrong with chasing knowledge. I understand that he took it too far, but Truth never elaborated on why it was so bad to chase knowledge. Chasing knowledge though is known to be human nature.

Now there is also the story of the fall of Icarus. If you don't know it here's how it goes. It tells the story of a boy who wanted to fly, so he created wings made of wax and achieved flight. However he flew too close to the sun and came crashing down to Earth. This story is a metaphor. Human's who try to get close to the sun will just get burned. We are not meant to have powers equivalent to a God. But we also weren't meant to limit ourselves either. Life is something that should not have been, it's a gift that we can enjoy, but not to test the limits of humanity.

One of my favorite stories is that of the Dragon who sought out the wisest man in the World. I don't what this story is really called, i don't know where it originated, all i know is this is the way it was told to me and it always stuck. There was a Dragon who had the power to destroy mankind. But he also held the secrets to the world and life in his cave. He never caused trouble, he just stayed in his cave. Legend has it that he was the protector of the secret to life, and only the wisest man in the world would be able to view it. Many a wise men traveled to see this Dragon, The Dragon would give them a test, and if they failed they would be incinerated. If they passed, he'd show them the secrets that all of mankind has searched for for centuries. All of the wise men failed... until one day a Vagabond showed up in the cave. He just had plain curiosity for what the world held. He met the Dragon and held his ground courageously. The Dragon asked him one question, "Are you the wisest man in the world?" The man answered, "No i am not." The Dragon asked, "What gives you any right to see what i've kept hidden for many years?" The man said, "All i know is that i know nothing. I come here searching for answers, because i am completely ignorant." The Dragon let him pass through. The only man to ever see it. The Dragon knew, the wisest man in the world, is the one who knows that he knows nothing.

This is why knowledge can't be evil to me. But then again, its just too much to think about.

Why I don't like books

OK ok yes i know. It's been like... months since my last posting. But can you really blame me though? I've been working, just started school, and a large amount of stress hit me in the form of a baby, a family war, lack of determination, and 1 crazy drunken night that I may or may not talk about. I'm debating on starting a youtube channel so i can make videos instead. Seems like it would be much easier than writing this.

I want to make it clear that the only reason i'm writing on a forum like this is because i have no where else to go. I have a lot of shit to say and no where to put it, and no one to listen. Even if no one is listening here, I can at least pretend that they are. I started this blog because i am freakin' determined to become a writer. And i swear i will become one. That's a promise, and i keep my promises.

Keep this blog safe, and maybe one day you'll know where the man named Elliott P. Hanesworth came from!

Speaking of being a writer... i don't like reading. Seriously. Like i actually love the idea of it, and i like rereading my old stuff, and there are some books i just can't put down. But when it comes to reading any book period, i just can't do it. Tell me to read any book, and unless it's a book i'm seriously dedicated to reading, i won't read it. It's not that i'm ADD or anything. I just have very specific tastes.

I think about the psychology of this. A lot of famous writers have admitted that they don't like to read. So it is a common thing. With me, it's a lot of different issues. Like i said, i have specific tastes. But also, when i was younger my mother used to punish me by making me read books. Ergo, now everytime i'm reading, i feel like i'm being punished. i pick up a book and it's like, "What did i do wrong now?"

But i think the biggest reason why i don't read is because my imagination is TOO big. You see it all the time, you hear about it, a girl makes a hot cup of cocoa, gets in her PJS, and gets a nice book to read to take her away to another world. You see, i don't need that. I never did. I have an entire universe in my mind, with new planets waiting to be explored. That's a metaphor. What i'm saying is, believe it or not, i have lived over a thousand other lives. I have experienced many different places and worlds. Literally, my imagination is so vast, i have thought about different foods, or i might think about getting punched, and when i think it i can literally get an after taste of the food i imagined, or my chin might tingle from where it was i've gotten punched. It's so bad that at work you may see me laughing to myself, or talking to myself, or worst-case scenario, i might actually flinch at nothing. It's happened before!

I'm not saying i'm better than anybody because of this, frankly, i'm jealous of anyone who can read books. Hell, i'm jealous of my cunt-of-an-ex-gf who has seen every Disney movie ever made, and has read more books than Belle from Beauty and the Beast. I wish i could do that.... i just can't. The only thing i can read are poems. Other books i have read were The Outsiders by S.E. Hinten, Skinny Dip by Carl Hiaasan, Go Ask Alice, The Lovely Bones, Anne Franks Diary, The Five People You Meet In Heaven, and A Series of Unfortunate Events. I actually got most of my dark humor from Lemony Snicket. And i have a tendency to really like books that are made of Journal Entries, because it's not like your reading a book, your reading someone else's life. Your listening to a person and their troubles day by day. So i really liked Flowers for Algernon, even though i never got to finish reading it...

I agree with people who say you can't replace books. You just can't. One of my favorite smells, is the smell of a really old book, a book that's First Edition. That smell... you just can't replace that. But i can't really read books. I don't want to be taken to another world, not when i have a whole Universe i have left to discover for myself.

The Drinker's and the Alcoholics

If you've been reading my stuff before, you know i get crazy technical with small stuff. Like the Slut's Vs. Whore's thing. Well i have another one for you. I'm sure everyone knows this already, there's a huge difference between drinking and being an alcoholic. But i'm not talking about the actual terms, these are groups of people i want to talk about today.

My best friend texted me that he was crazy drunk, he then skyped me and i watched as him and his roommate took a hit off a makeshift bong. He parties, he's telling me how awesome his life is, and i'm somewhat happy for him. As for me, the last time i got drunk was 3 days ago, i had a six pack alone in my room and fell asleep. Of the two of us, of course i'm the alcoholic, but it's more deeper than that. You see there are another set of 2 types of people. I say it that way because there are so many ways you can diverse people, this is just one of them. There are people who drink because they think it's fun to do with friends and shit, and alcoholics who drink to relieve stress. The drinkers and the alcoholics. We all know which one i am.

So i don't really party, nor do i really have a craving to drink around friends and dance and flirt with girls and do drugs. But my friend does. He's social, i'm not, he parties, i don't. It isn't to say i hate doing it. I have smoked, and i do enjoy it. But i have more things to worry about than to let pot and alcohol run my life. I don't have the carefree life my friend does. Oh sure he has stress from work and school, and his parents expect him to come back a success and still as nice as he is, but let's hit some truth. He's never been in a fight, and probably wouldnt last in one, he doesn't know the way the streets work, he's not a victim of divorce, his parents love him, any girl in his life is chasing him, and everything tends to fall into his lap. That isn't to say life isn't hard for him, but he's much better off than most of us. As the rich get richer, the happy get happier. If things start going good in your life, they only get better. If things go bad, sure you have no where to go but up, but it is a huge pain in the ass to do so. Plus it takes years. I'm still in development of it and feel like i'm going no where.

My ex, Kim, fits into this category as well. If anything she's worse. She does pills, has had sex with over 15 guys, that's almost matching her age, and she couldn't even tell you how many dicks she's had in her mouth. She's eaten out more girls than i have. The world is full of hedonists, we just choose to live it in different ways. My best friend lives his life for school, he wants to fuck as many girls as he can, experience college the way everyone is, follow what everyone is doing basically. He loves house music, he's joined a frat, he does drugs for fun, and he believes everyone wants the life he's chasing.

As for me? I'm a hedonist too. I love life. Life has thrown me to the ground, beat me to the curb, but i still get up every day can put on a smile. I look around and see the absolute beauty in the earth, i love the trees, the sky and the sun. If it rains, i never take out an umbrella, i walk in it, i dance in it, i sing in it. I love women, I've only had sex with 3 girls and don't care enough to increase that number, i just want to wake up every morning next to a girl i find beautiful inside and out. I love rap and rock music, not pop stuff, but oldies. I can enjoy a nice drive blasting some Al Green, Earth Wind and Fire, Atmosphere, Queen, Boston, The Beatles, The Eels, simple music.  I want to experience life by laying down at the park and taking in the sun, making a random girl smile, not cause i like her, but because i want to see her smile. I don't do drugs, i'm not against it, just don't need it, i'll only drink at night if depression hits that hard, if not, i can fall asleep dreaming about the life i'll never have but will continue chasing till i pick up my check from my horrible 3-11 job that i hate.

He's not better than me for having it better, and i'm not better than him for having it tougher. I'm still a depressed mess, as much as he's fucking up right now. But it's all a part of life, and we still have a lot to go. One day there will come a time when our roles may switch, or we may join each other on one side of the coin. I plan on staying alone for a long time though, i just hope he doesn't have to make that choice too.

Listening and Hearing

You probably wouldn't think that Fight Club taught me something about the human condition that had absolutely nothing to do with anarchy. There was a quote both Edward Norton and Helena Bonham Carter said together that stuck with me and to this day i still use. "When people think your dying they actually listen to you, instead of waiting for their turn to speak."

This has been especially true for me. I'm a writer, i want to write more than anything. It's my dream, it's why i have this blog. I don't want to be famous, and that's why i use fake names and haven't even revealed my name yet. Truth be told i just can't trust anybody. I literally have no one i can trust. Just 2 people, my aunt and uncle. And i don't want to burden them with my problems, so they don't even know i have any. I don't want to get married out of fear i'll marry my own mother or have a daughter like my sister. Plus i still don't think anyone will measure up to Lucy.

With all that said, in this world i am alone. Which yeah is what i wanted, but it doesn't mean it doesn't suck. The thing about my life, no one supported me. I had to be on my own, which sucks because i'm dependent. I'd be stupid not to think that was true. I need my parents. My father has jobs lined up for me, he wants me to go to school so i can be rich and have a job where i'm my own boss, he thinks that will make me happy. He's wrong. Everything that would've made me happy has passed already. Lucy, chance at the world at my feet. Just everything. My best friend thinks the same way though, and so does my other friend. They want to go to school so they can get a job doing something easy and getting paid for it. I'm different and stupid because i want to do something i love no matter what i'm paid. I'm actually part of a music website now as an intern. I'm not doing too bad i think. The website is just starting up, it'd be great to have it blow up. Point is though, when i told people about it they had the same reaction. My dad, my sis, and even my friend heard that i'm doing it and said, "...oh. Well that's good." Which sounds like they're happy for me, but it translate to, "You were serious about that?"

It just shows me that no one has faith in me. No one really knows me, what's worse no one wants to even attempt. I'm not one to go looking for it, i want people to sincerely be interested. But people are even bad at faking. A girl who really likes me supports me, and she wants to talk to me always, always asks me how i'm doing and what i wanna do and shit. But when we actually sit down and talk she always interrupts me, she wants to talk about her bf, she's just waiting for her turn to talk. I just, don't want to deal with this shit anymore. I'm tired. I'm tired of people who are genuinely uninterested in me and expect me to just fall in line.

Today my friend texted me asking for music. Weird but okay. this is my best friend Samwise. He asks me for music and i start telling him shit i've been telling him for a long time now. passion Pit, Yeah Yeah Yeah's, Atmosphere, Kid Cudi. Besides Atmosphere, he listens to all of them already. Told me someone ELSE told him about it. I remember one day he told me he loved Matt and Kim. I knew them back since Lessons Learned. And he told me about Daylight like he just found the Holy Grail. I didn't think anything of it at the time. But i realized what's been going on. My music tastes are heavily diverse and evolved because i went through 3 years where that's all i had, so i basically have the deepest taste in music. I know the best. And my best friend knows that, and he competes with me every now and then. But he's just trying to find the perfect music for the time. You know, what's mainstream. Basically, when Samwise is loving what just came out, what i've been telling him to listen to, i'm already on the next big thing. This sounds awesome, but it's a curse. Because the music i like always sucks to people. People think i have shitty music taste. So when i gave him my party music and he had it all already, he told me about Project X and how much he wanted to party. I told him i don't party, i don't need to see it. i don't party because there's no one to party with. No one partys where i am. And he tells me, "That's sad." In an unsympathetic way.

Look i live a sad life, have been for the past 7 years. I don't need my best friend to point out i have a sad life. It's just frustrating that there's nothing i can do about it. I'm incredibly frustrated, because i feel like i'm doing everything right, but in the end, it doesn't mean shit.

So i can't trust anyone now. No body thinks i'll make it as a writer, no one wants to get to know me, no one cares. What makes it worse is that one person did care, one person wanted to know me, and one person knew i'd make it... Lucy. And i'm the asshole who sent her away.

So i can't trust anyone, the only person i know for a fact loves me hates me now, no one thinks i'll make it anywhere, and my future is depending on me getting serious about writing, or dropping my dreams to make money.

....And people wonder why i'm depressed.

Music pt 2.

2 things i have to apologize for, 1. I said i was going to start doing movie reviews every week and never did it... yeah my bad. And 2. I've been dead for like... a month or something. Sorry, i recently got a job and it's been sucking the energy out of me, that and my friends have been too. So I got a social life! Be happy for me!

Anyways i figured it was time to continue on my music post, i wanted to continue on what i was saying about rap and hip hop. Plus i've just been thinking about music and felt like ranting about something.

In my last Music post, i was talking bad about hip-hop, basically saying that it lacked artistic merit, and that it was really stupid compared to its better counterparts. But this isn't to say i hate hip hop. I love hip hop, just when it's done well. And there are a lot of people who do it well! There's also the second form of hip hop: R&B. That's where this music really shines. Artists like Al Green, Kci and Jojo, Mary J. Blige, Micheal Jackson; there are just so many artists who define this genre. They make hip hop what it is. My problem is whenever i think of hip-hop i think of them, and whenever someone else does they think of whoever is popular right now.

Point is that hip-hop is just so...generic nowadays. When i said there's no artistic meaning in it, i mean you can sing about anything, but the beat and the vocals are why we're listening to it, not the lyrics. Rap is all about lyrics and flow, and Rock trumps it all, because Rock is about everything, the music, the beat, the melody, the flow and the lyrics. Hip hop though, people just want something pleasant to listen too, and that's fine! A lot of people just want to listen to something that promotes a good calm mood, promotes energy, and isn't too strange to sing in public. I can understand that really, but that's why it's boring to me. I like something that attracts my attention.

Let me metaphorize it for a bit. Let's say the world is a bus and music is people. Rap would be the guy walking up and down the bus talking to random people telling them things he thinks they should know. Rock would be the guy with a mean look on his face ready to start a fight with anyone. Pop would be the teenage girl in the back of the bus giggling over a text with a cute boy. Country would be the mid-30's rough lookin' dude looking out the window, Spanish music would be the guy flirting with all the girls on the bus, and Hip-hop would be the mid 20's guy sitting down watching all this. Of all these, which person do you want to talk to?

Now to be fair, this isn't completely accurate. There are soooo many genre's of music, that metaphor would've filled up 2 and a half buses, i just went for standard music types and built on their stereotypes. I could go deeper but i eventually want to sleep and i write these things at like 2 in the morning so give me a break. It's 4.

Anyways, my point is that yes hip-hop is the stickers of music, and compared to trip-hop it's a caveman, but it doesn't mean it's bad. I love hip-hop, i do. I just think it needs to be done better. There are artists that are good, but hip-hop really isn't that big. People just want something to dance to nowadays. You can't blame them, but honestly i can't dance 24/7, which is why my tastes are so diverse. But i know where mainstream is coming from. My best friend in the whole world is mainstream, He really liked Katy Perry's Teenage Dream, and right now is going through a fad of liking anything to do with House and dubstep.. so LMFAO and Deadmau5.

And me? I like underground stuff. My favorite Dubstep DJ is Ephixa on youtube. If you don't know who that is check them out, he's awesome. And Pogo too, favorite DJ in the world is Pogo. I like music that has meaning, or a gimmick, something that makes it interesting or relatable. Something that makes you think or makes you feel. It's why i'm sort of a hipster with music, generic just feeds off of that and has no sincerity. I love sincerity. Sincerity is the most important part of music, but that's also where we're lacking.

Epiphany

One of my favorite words in the world is epiphany. I love them. They can be a pebble or a stone, something small that affects you, or something big that changes you. My friend and I always talk about them, always search for them. And I had 2 i would like to share. And yes this will be about Lucy.

My first epiphany came when i hung out with a good friend of mine. He's someone i recently met and we've connected strongly and we both love a girl with the same name. The only difference is that he's more lively and i'm more dark. He's religious, i'm not. He's loud, i'm reserved. He's goofy and i'm eccentric... so we're both goofy. We are similar yet completely different, it's why we get along so well. He didn't fuck up with his Lucy though. They broke up because he knew he wasn't ready and didn't want to try something they weren't ready for. They still talk all the time and the love each other, but they let each other explore other relationships until they find each other again.

.... I wish i had done that. He's a real man.

I was a boy when i met Lucy, therefore when i fucked up i tried to cover it in shame like a boy would, instead of owning up to it and trying to fight for a relationship worth having. I tucked my tail between my legs and just gave up. It was too late for us.

So i talked to my new friend about it, we'll call him Zeus, and he told me i gotta let go. I told him how much i cared about her. He knew how i felt and sensed how heart-broken i was and he gave me his advice. Always hold onto her, try to grow up and make yourself better. But i swear to God, there is someone out there better than her. And you will deserve that girl when the time comes, i promise you. But you gotta let go.

...He was right, and thus my first epiphany came.

I needed to let go, so i tried for a couple days to not fantasize about her. You see I always fantasize, and i always dream of an event where i go all out to get her to forgive me, she does, we kiss and fall in love again. Or she gives me another chance, or we look for each other, or i win her over. I've thought of hundreds and hundreds of scenarios.

I'll put it to you this way. Everyday since we broke up, i've been thinking of one.

It was a way i coped, was able to survive the day. So, i stopped doing it. I stopped looking at her facebook, i stopped thinking about her. I felt like shit, but i had enough in my life to help me feel better... but at night. She always came into my thoughts. And i tried so hard to shut it out.

One night, i remembered that the new episode of Once Upon a Time was on. Great show, i love it, don't think me a wuss. Anyways it was Prince Charming centered. The last episode i watched i cried, because it was about Rumplestiltskin. He lost the woman he loved because of his inability to trust anyone, or to believe anyone could love a monster as he. I was Rumplestiltskin. I knew i had to be... but he was such an evil person on the show. That fit with my theme of thinking i'm an evil person.

I'm the type of guy who wants to know what type of guy he is. So it bothered me enough to a point where i went looking for a quiz to tell what character from Once Upon a Time i was. I took the test, and came out with Rumplestiltskin... but i took the test using answers i thought would fit the bad person i thought i was. I took it once more, this time i answered honestly, and with a personality i've always had. I came out as Prince Charming. The first test i tied as Prince Charming, and the second test i completely was him.

Those tests are normally freakin' easy, they always have answers that pertain to the story and character archs and if you know them you can easily change into anyone you want. For example, Rumplestiltskin is known for treasuring a cup and Charming carries around a sword. The question might ask, "What item are you drawn to?" and those answers will come up, it's obvious what you'll be.

Anyways i took that quiz like 2 weeks ago knowing my results i watched the Prince Charming based episode. He was chasing after Snow White. He chased after her with his life and his mothers life on the line. He helped someone along the way, and still chased her... The truth hit me. Rumplestiltskin loved a girl but he was too much of a coward to fall for her, Charming fucked up, but was willing to travel any distance to get his girl back. You can see where i'm going with this.

In life we don't get many choices, somethings are decided for us by fate, chance, destiny. Lucy believed in Destiny, whereas I believe people can control their own. I gave up on chasing Lucy because i thought she hated me, I thought i wasn't worth it, I thought that i'd only hurt her... But that's just it. Life is full of hurt. I'd rather be the happy guy walking, then the guy trying to dodge bullets. I'd rather prove my worth than to just assume i'm worthless. And i want Lucy to tell me to my face she hates me, rather than assume she does. I'm an asshole, not because i'm a bad guy, but because i base my life on assumptions. We may not be able to change the outcome of a situation, but we can change how we handle it, we can change if we will be a Charming, or a Rumplestiltskin.

And there was my second epiphany.

And so i know where i'm going now. I still don't believe in destiny, therefore i'll set my life to proving Lucy wrong. And in that, i'll show her how much i love her. I could easily message her now and tell her but what will that prove? I can look for her now but i'm not ready. I got a job, i gotta go to school, I gotta move out. Once my life starts, my search for Lucy does too. Call me Charming, because i'd rather die fighting for love, than just quitting because of a stupid mistake.

Now there is the chance that this will not work. And by all means i expect to fail. But i'll take that leap and fall, because wherever i land would be better than where i am. Along the way i'll better myself, and i might meet someone else in the process. I'm not planning on anything except bettering myself. Whatever happens with that happens. I can't plan on uncertainty, but what i do know is this. I still love Lucy, and just saying it isn't enough. As she always told me, actions speak louder than words. So i'll chase her, because that's the only thing i'd want to do. It's time for me to act, but i'm not giving up on words either. This path had led me to write a new story, plus i'll be updating this page with info on what's going on. Until next post my friends, i wish you luck and and i hope you wish luck on me!

Why YOU are alone for Valentines Day

I don't want people to take offense to the title considering i'm alone too. I feel that people need a thorough examination on their pathetic lives to understand why they are alone for a holiday that primarily involves love. All things considered, being alone sucks balls. Being alone on Valentines Day, you might as well watch love movies all day, because that's basically what you might end up doing anyways. But if your bitter enough, your alone enough and you just want to know why? Maybe i can help.

I guess i'll talk about guys first considering I am one. Plus guys are just easy to understand. Now as a friend of mine once said, everyone wants to be the victim. So i can't just go out and say, "The douchebags like this, and your a douchebag." Because though Douchebags take up a small percentage of our society, they aren't a real viable personality trait. Plus in the end we're all douchebags. So that's out.

So generally when you talk about guys, they can be categorized in a Myers-Briggs standard. Mainly they are: The confident-love based, confident-women based, confident-career based, confident-nice guy, shy-nice guy, the upstanding-nice guy, and the deceiving nice-guy.

The confident-love based: You think of this guy, you think of all the movies that portray a white woman's fantasy to be Fabio, hair in the wind, unbuttoned white cotton shirt, shoeless, pulling up 2 white horses on the shore of a beach. Basically, this class is that. It's the confident man who just wants love. Nicknames include: Exotic, Dreamy

Confident-women based: Now as you can probably guess from the name, this class of guy likes women, all women. This is the type that will generally cheat on a girl, or they just play the field. They will always have a valentine, because that confidence they portray makes them attractive. And the more girls that want them... the more girls that want them. The minute you get one fish, the entire school will follow. Nicknames include: Player, whore, douche

Confident-Career Based: Also another woman grabber, but its also the class that almost careless. They do get a lot of women, but they are to driven by their career to be taken aback by them. This is my Samwise, he is career driven, which i something i'm proud of him for. Girls will tell you, there is nothing more sexy than not only a guy with a job, but a guy going somewhere in life. Nicknames include: Future husband, asshole, confident dude, smart guy

Confident-Nice guy: I almost don't want to talk about this class. Mainly cause it's the worst class of the group, and by that i mean, they keep stealing the girls i like! The confident-nice guy is by far the most desirable in the categories. All the women aim to get a guy like this. When they speak about a confident man they usually aim for this one but wind up with the confident-woman based. Nicknames Include: Stereotypical Main Character from any romantic comedy.

Shy-Nice Guy: Now we get to the painful parts, because this is where i used to be. The Shy-nice guy is also knows as the guy whose "too nice for his own good". He will be friend-zoned always, he's confused to be gay, and he's awkward to a painful degree. Girls want him, but at the same time... girls don't want him. Girls who are above a 6, aim higher than him, but use him as a default. Girls below a 6, know how good of a guy he is and want him... but he doesn't want them. Eventually he'll settle and wind up having his first time with a girl whose way below his standards all because he's not confident enough to make the first move on a girl he actually likes. I know this sounds familiar to a lot of you. It's common. Nicknames include: Nice guy, cute, best friend, idiot.

Upstanding-Nice guy: Now this is one guy i know for a fact we all can't stand. The upstanding nice guy is truly confused to who he is. He is a nice guy, at times. But mostly he complains and moans that girls only go for the assholes and not the nice guys. He may get lucky with a girl or two. But he is equivalent to that of a deceiving-nice guy in that he's fooling people, mostly himself. It's not that this guy isn't a good guy, it's just that he's more of an asshole. For instance he may get a with a girl below his standards, but then he'll treat her like shit because he doesn't want her. And he'll still be able to convince people that he's a nice guy, people just don't see it because they don't care about her. That's horribly complicated isn't it? Don't think your going unseen man, i got my eye on you. Nicknames include: The hipster, nice guy, confused, dickhead.

Deceiving-nice Guy: Like i mentioned before, this one has a lot in common with the Upstanding-Nice guy, the Deceiving-Nice guy is just more of a rapist about it. He's the guy that a lot of women in the movies first hook up with then turn to the main character for comfort. He's nice at first, but then as time goes on he starts changing and you see his real side. He becomes a guy you don't think he is. He winds up hurting you, or leaving you for another girl. He portrays the confident-nice guy, but is hiding his real side within him. Nicknames include: Womanizer, rapist, salesman

The Loner: Of course i couldn't go by without mentioning this class. The Loner is angry, bitter when Valentines day comes around. But he never says anything about it. He bottles his feelings, and he tries to be as happy as he can and tries to make it just... another day. But past loves hold him back. He's heartbroken, and nothing can cure of him of that. And no one knows how he really feels, because he doesn't want to burden anyone with his troubles. He spends valentines alone, with a couple of drinks. When he's had enough he'll look through a drawer of old memories and pull out something he hasn't seen in a while. A trinket from a love long ago. He'll kiss it, tear a bit. Say something sentimental like, "I'm sorry" or "I still love you" or "i'll always wait". They're always saying some kind of bullshit like that. Then he falls asleep, wakes up in the morning, and moves on with his life. Nicknames include: the hermit, the asshole, the withered lover.

Yes yes, you probably already guessed it because it's fucking obvious. Of these classes i am the Loner. My stories of Lucy and Kim and Zooey should be enough of a clue about it. The thing is, these classes don't just exist for valentines, this is everyday. Once your in your class it's going to take a hell of an epiphany to get you out. I've switched like 3 or 4 times. It happens. We grow.

Now women, i can't really put you guys in classes. There are too many different kinds of you. Like i'll have to narrow it down by different styles, genres and races. Then each one of THOSE there are like 6 different categories, it's too much! Maybe one day when i have enough free time. All i can do is give guys tips on getting the girls. Guys listen up.

1. Just because you have things in common with the girl, doesn't mean she automatically wants to marry you. Take a step back. Girls like teaching guys things, so you need to be a bit ignorant when it calls for it.
2. Don't get too attached to a girl, and don't get to distant. Find the area in between. But also try to be more distant then attached. A girl wants what she has to work a bit for.
3. If there's a girl you like, go for it. A lot of people might tell you, "the worst thing she can do is say no!" So i'm going to clear this up a bit. If you have to have people convince you to do it, back up because it's too late anyways. Unless you just need a pep talk, if your not confident enough to go over by yourself, you may just look like an idiot in the end. Girls like confidence. They like guys who are sure enough of themselves to talk to them. In the end... just be comfortable with yourself! Be aware! Know what you are, what's good about you, and use it.

And as for couples, there are only 3 pieces of advice i can give you. To both male and female:

1. Be Honest
2. Be Aware
3. And Don't Be Stupid!

Tell the truth, it's easier than lying. Be aware of what you are, where you are, and where she is. If you're aware, guaranteed you won't be surprised whenever she makes a move. And please please please stop being stupid! If someone cheated on you, or you think they're going to, just leave them. There are better people out there for you. If you can get one person you can certainly get another.

Good luck, be safe, and all that. Happy Valentine's Day, spoil your significant other, and spoil yourself. If your alone, please don't drag it down for everyone else who's happy, ok?

Valentine's Day and the Super Bowl

Instead of continuing from my last article, i thought it best to talk about what's coming up and what has passed. First my thought's on the Superbowl. It's going to be quick because... well i'm not really a sports person, And though i hate people, i love social events.

So the superbowl happened! And it was cool, My Giants won! Yeah i'm from New York, deal with it. Fun fact, Kim actually won tickets to a Giants game and took me back when we were still going out. The new Giants stadium is pretty cool. Anyways, it was a close and full of pressure game. But the Giants definitely stuck it out, i knew they were going to win the minute they got that safety.

Anyways enough about football, what are my thought's on the Superbowl? I think that it's the one time of year that everyone get's into football. It really is a great time, and if you don't watch it, you really should. For the sake of being around friends, and being socially aware. The halftime show and the commercials are big social topics. Speaking of, i liked the halftime show! As you all well know, i love Nicky Minaj, and i actually really like MIA, and i'm glad to see her back. I'm not the biggest fan of Madonna, but i liked "Beautiful Stranger" from Austin Powers, because it had the 60's feel. The song itself, was pretty good. I liked it. The only thing that ruined it was the cheering. Did not really like that, made me think of Gwen Stefani, and... ehh...

The commercials were... ok. None were really that special. And Cee Lo Green was there. He pisses me off, but i still somewhat like him. I can't really hate him.

Alright that's enough about the Superbowl, onto the most useless holiday on the Calender! No, not Columbus Day!

the basic premise of Valentine's Day is that it's a day where you cherish the one you love, or the one you like and you get them Flower's and Chocolates. Maybe diamonds. A lot of people take this opportunity to propose or ask a girl out. Proposing just seems so cliche to me, but asking a girl out, now there's an idea! I'm against proposing on Valentines day because... it's so expected. And it makes a day that's supposed to be special, and overshadow it with a holiday. Pick a random day to propose, not a holiday. Make a random day special, that is romance. Why am i into the idea of asking a girl out though? Because a lot of guys are shy, and this gives you an excuse to ask out any girl you fancy. And with that i applaud Valentine's day.

But why do i detest it? A lot of men are aware of this, and it's joked about a lot. Valentine's day is another day for women to get a gift. That's the stereotype. Valentine's day is a great day for NEW love, but relationships, and marriages? Everyday should be treated like a Valentines day. That's my philosophy.

When it comes to love, if your with someone for love, then everyday should feel different, everyday should be full of love. That's what marriage is all about. Nowadays, marriage is so over hyped, over done, it's not done right. This is why the divorce rate is so high! People marry because they don't want to be alone, they wanna settle, they want to have a family. They marry for the wrong reasons. Marriage is a ceremony honoring love, not the future, not the past, not family, not togetherness. Marriage is a ceremony honoring two people who feel strongly about each other, who can't be without each other. People who are together who love each other so much, they share pain, they share happiness, they don't want to lie to each other. Yeah you may think i'm a romantic, but thats the only way i see marriage working.

So this is my thoughts on love in general not just Valentines Day. Valentines Day is a day that people confuse as a "day of love". It's not. It's a day to cherish the one your with. That's a huge difference. And that's why i think it's useless. Everyday you should cherish the one your with. That should be a requirement in relationships. Therefore, any relationship i think should get a pass on Valentines Day.

As for new ones... have fun yo! Ask out a girl you think is pretty, ask out a guy you think is cute. Take a chance, take a leap. Be with someone! Have a safe Valentine's Day *cough* condoms *cough* and have a great one. I'll be spending it alone, but i have my reasons.

Love to all!

Music

Music makes up most my life. Now most of my stories, or things i talk are usually 100% true, unless i state beforehand that it's exaggerated. I lived in a place i called Purgatory. It could be attributed to all the songs i listened to while i lived in my room. Where i used to live, i never went outside and my room was where i spent all of my time. As with any high schooler, music was my getaway. It took me to a place where nothing could touch me, nothing ever happened, and that was okay. In the real world, if you did nothing all day you'd be held suicidal, or you'd get no where in life, or people will just endlessly judge you. In my world, time was non-existant, and I was the only person there.

But enough of my pathetic social life, music! We are here to talk about music. What kind of music do I like... That's a hell of a question. It could go anywhere from Boston, to Kid Cudi. Lykke Li, to Atmosphere. Porcupine Tree, to Hey Ocean!. I mean there are tons of bands and artists I listen to. But i guess the main thing is, i love music that impresses me. Hey Ocean! is a pretty indie band, no one really knows them. But why do I love them? Their music video for "Alleyways" is amazing. It leaves me with such a good feeling. It's low budget, but it's probably one of the best music videos i've ever seen. They are my most positive band.

Now that we got the positive out the way, let's talk about real music. I'm not shakesphere lover, i'm not a fan of tragedies. I'm a fan of rebirth. So most of my songs might sound dark, but i see the light. You have to look close. So most of the time you'll catch me listening to bands like Porcupine Tree, Atmosphere, Massive Attack, Portishead, Tom Waits and The Eels. Those are probably at the top. I'm aware most of those bands are underground, i get it. Your probably hoping for some more pop culture references. I'm getting there!

So if it isn't all that artsy-fartsy stuff my friends seem to hate, it's usually classic rock. I'm a big big fan of bands like Boston, Queen, Foreigner, Pink Floyd, the Beatles, the Who, The Rolling Stones, Blue Oyster Cult, Cream, The Doors, the Police, Kansas, The Kinks, Rod Stewart, Styx and some more. I love classic rock, i grew up on it. I feed on it. It keeps me in my good moods. Plus i can break out and sing any of their songs at random.

Now if anyone has seen the movie "I Think I Love My Wife", there is an expression there that i will use to describe my taste's for the next few artists. I have what they call "Nigga' ears". I have some "Nigga' Ears". by that I mean I listen to a lot of Al Green, Earth Wind and Fire, Marvin Gaye, Billie Holiday, Leadbelly, The Temptations and such. "Nigga Ears" don't necessarily conform to just rap music. Though i do love some rap music.

Segue! I have a loooooooot of things to say about rap music. But i'll talk about that in another post. This is strictly what i like, and don't like (as much as I feel I need to talk about it). I'm okay with Lil' Wayne. I like him. I liked Tha Carter III, I liked a lot of his unknown songs. He's a cool dude. When it comes to rap though, i usually just go for CYNE, Old Eminem, Atmosphere, Kid Cudi, Jedi Mind tricks, and Cunninlynguists.

....Oh you don't know any of them except Cudi? You were expecting Drake, Nicky Minaj, Jay-Z, T. Pain, T.I. or whatever? Ok i'm going to lay it down right here. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN RAP AND HIP-HOP!

A lot of people don't seem to understand that. An ex girlfriend of mine (*cough*Kim*cough*) once told me, "Oh i absolutely love rap music! It's my favorite!" I showed her some Cyne and Atmosphere, she started laughing. "This isn't rap! It has no beat! It's all 'Ugh uh uh uh'" That was her definition of my music, which was rap. She was wondering where all my David Guetta, and T. Pain shit was. They aren't rap, they are hip-hop. Before I go any further i have to make this clear. Rap, is centered around the lyrics flowing with the music. Beats are just there to enunciate the lyrics. The beats aren't that important. Hip-Hop is the other way around. And you can even see this in the name! RAP= Rhythm and Poetry. Hip-Hop= What you do when you hear the music. Hip-Hop makes you dance. Rap, is a statement. It's meant to tell a story, or spark a movement. Anybody calling themselves rappers and have their songs featured in clubs are liars. they are musicians. Still artists, just not rappers. If your wondering why i'm getting so worked up over it, it's just... give credit where credit is due. It's like putting a picture book on the National Bestsellers List. Yeah, it's a book, but it's a not a novel.

Whew... anyways, moving on. You know my rapping favorites, next would logically be my hip-hop favorites. Keep in mind i don't really have that much on my Ipod, i'm pretty mainstream ignorant. But i do have some favorites i keep an eye on. Nicky Minaj, i love her. Not just her body, but what she's doing for music. She's funny, she's a female eminem, and she's weird. We need a weird rapper! And she's actually one exception to the rap/hip-hop genre... fuck tangent! We'll discuss it another time! Anyways, I love Kid Cudi, and he actually duals hip-hop and rap. I think he's one of the best rappers out there. Drake is okay sometimes.... That's about all i got really. I told you, i'm not really all that into Hip-hop. Honestly I think Hip-hop kinda sucks. It's pointless to me. It's for all the teenagers who are tasteless and don't want to put that much effort into music, and all the artists that want hit singles, and don't want to put effort into music. Hip-hop is just one big machine really. It's kinda like... If music was art, Hip-hop would be stickers. They're cool and all, and it takes talent... but it's something you forget about really, and shouldn't care for it much. If your wondering what i DO listen to that makes me dance, well i'll take you to the real deal, Trip-hop.

Trip-hop is the evolution of hip-hop. Hip-hop is a caveman, and Trip-hop are street artists. I love Trip-hop. It is beat and just sexy voices. If you want good Trip-hop:Massive Attack (default), Portishead, Tricky, Sampleminded, Dutch, Flying Lotus (Technically Electronic), Lykke Li, Thievery Corporation, Trespassers William, Lamb, and i'm sure there's tons more. If you want good music to show your significant other a good time, throw away the stereotypical Barry White (no disrespect, I love him) and put on some Trip Hop.

Of course going through my rebellious teen years i have to have some hard rock music somewhere. Something rebellious to make me hate my parents, or society in general. So yeah i listened to Nirvana, Smashing Pumpkins, Foo Fighters, Rage Against the Machine (so of course Audioslave...), Billy Talent, The Bravery, The Deftones, Filter, Fightstar, Flyleaf, Incubus,Jimmy Eat World, Good Charlotte (When they were good), Pennywise, The Pixies, Presidents of The United States of America, Soundgarden, Sublime, Sytem of A Down, Thrice and Yellowcard.

Alright i think i basically covered everything. Now i'm going to name the miscellaneous. These are bands that i absolutely love, but really have no genre of their own, or have several genres they can fit in, or are unknown, or are so weird, but cool i saw it fit to mention them here. these people include:Matt and Kim, Death Cab for Cutie, Megaran, YTCracker, the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, the Gorillaz, Pogo, Norah Jones, Nas and Damien Marley, Flogging Molly, MGMT, Friends of Lizzy, Ephixa (youtube), Broken Social Scene and there is still more probably.

More or less, again i love music that brings something interesting. That can take you somewhere, or show you something. Especially music that tells you a story. It's why i don't listen to mainstream to much. It's all... surface really. It's not at all that i hate the mainstream, it just has nothing to offer me.

What's popular in music right now? I'm going to read you the top 10 in music right now. the top 10 artists who wrote the top 10 songs and are popular right now. Starting from 1: Adele, Rihanna, Flo Rida, David Guetta, Katy Perry, Bruno Mars, LMFAO, Kelly Clarkson, Jay-Z and Kanye, and last Jessie J.

I don't mind Adele, she's a form of trip-hop to me, and honestly we need to get that out there IMHO. Rihanna and Katy Perry... I don't like Katy Perry, and Rihanna is talented, but it's the same song every time to me. Bruno Mars... same thing as Rihanna, it's hip-hop, people are easy. I don't... hate LMFAO. I just wouldn't put them in my ipod. Honestly, great dancing music, shit gets you pumped! I'll leave it at that. I missed Kelly Clarkson actually, she needs to come back, she could sing! I don't even know what kind of music Flo rida makes, i just assume he sucks at this point. I don't why David Guetta get's a lot of credit for songs when he never sings. Mediocre DJ. Jay-Z and Kanye... I like them really. Kanye's beginning to piss me off though, and Jay-Z is always talented. And Jessie-J... i'm going to be honest, off hand, i have no fuckin' clue who that is.

Ok literally just checked her out, and... she can sing. No problem there. but she looks like she's jumping on the Nicky Minaj and Lady Gaga train... so she's Katy Perry. What i want to get clear about me, I love Lady Gaga, and her weirdness. She ate a piece of paper on the David Letterman show. I did that in 7th grade! Haha i love her, she's funny. And she can sing, and she got some catchy songs. I don't listen to them, but they're fine with me. Nicky Minaj, is like the Lady Gaga of rap. But also with alter egos, and funny voices. I love that! Those are gimmicks, i love gimmicks! That's a show! Entertainment! What the biz is all about! Katy Perry seems like a teenage Lady Gaga to me. A teenager convincing everyone she's weird, but still trying to be attractive. She's no Zooey Deschanel! Zooey is freakin' talented, weird, but doesn't try to be. She just is. So i dislike Katy Perry. As for Jessie J... I like her better than Katy Perry. Haha I'm sorry if i'm pissing you off here! But From what i was reading Jessie J is a songwriter. So she's weird, she can write and she can sing. She's not relying on beats. But it enunciates her vocals. That is the definition of music. She talented? Yeah! Girly? Hell yeah! Would i listen to her? Hell no! But there's no denying she talented. Just like Justin Bieber. Is his music good? No. Can he sing? Yeah! Can he dance? Yeah! He's good at what he does, i feel no need to hate on him. He brings something to the table.

I think that's all i got for now. But that is a basic cover on music. Now you know my tastes. I'm going to do a lot more of this, hopefully you guys will be into it. whoever waste's their time with this.

Send me idea's for topics, what you want me to give my opinion about. I'd love to start a video blog, but too broke for a good camera. Maybe in the future though if this goes well.

P.S. Movie review coming sometime.

Not about sluts.

It's hard to believe i did a single post dedicated specifically to sluts, but i just discovered isanyoneup.com and i blasted "Fuck you Lucy" by Atmosphere, and i feel there's still some ground i didn't cover.

If you haven't been on the website i just mentioned, you should definitely check it out, it's freakin' hilarious. I found out about them through a news show on youtube called The Young Turks. They were talking about a trend called, "slut shaming" where there are websites dedicated to pointing out sluts. Of course, me being experienced in that area, i had to check it out myself.

I have never had so much fun looking through naked pictures. I laughed my ass off, and kept hoping i would see Kim there. I swear, i kept thinking she'd be the next girl on there. And there was this one girl who i saw that the owner of the site personally found. He wanted to fuck her, but he wanted to embarrass her a bit first. So over video chat, he recorded her shoving various items up her ass. I'm a straight-forward guy, and i didn't know how to sugarcoat that last sentence.

Anyways, she became infamous over the internet as "butthole girl". You can't make this shit up. I found her facebook, i found her tumblr, no I'm not leaving links, I am just informing you guys. So butthole girl did it for attention. And behold, she got what she wanted. Thousands of people message her a day now asking for sex. And guess what? She complained.

This is my main problem with girls. I love women. I hate girls. And this is just like my ex, they want attention, and when they get it, it's not the kind they wanted. They put themselves out there like a slut, and when they become recognized as one, they complain. "This isn't what i wanted!" Oh shut up... You fucked 10 guys within 2 years in high school, and blew a double digit number, and you wonder why people view you in that way? You know Kim once told me that her favorite parties were ones where people from different high schools got together? Of course, cause the guys will hit on her and not know that she's easy, but that she puts out.

Enough about my ex, she's not why i'm writing this. Butthole girl didn't act like Kim. Instead, she completely put it out there that she's a slut. On her tumblr people asked her question, several people asked, "When are we gonna fuck?" and she'd come back with, "As soon as you show your face anon." If you don't know, on tumblr you can make yourself anonymous so the person doesn't know who you are. And she didn't care, she'd literally have sex with anyone.

As i'm writing this, i'm realizing how severely inappropriate this post is becoming, and worse, i send this blog to potential employers, i do want to be a writer after all. I really need tofind more family-friendly topics...

So as with every post, why am i writing about this? I haven't reached a point yet. Well here it is.

This post isn't about sluts. It isn't about whores, it isn't about my ex, or sex at all. It's about the epiphany i had going through isanyoneup.com.

I went through that site, laughed at every slut, every whore, and said, "Well, they shouldn't have done it if they didn't want it up there." And i was so into the idea of finding Kim on the site, that i literally went searching by cities. Couldn't find her, but it didn't matter. I kept laughing, i kept having a great time. Then i texted my Samwise about it. I also went through facebook and found that Kim had left him stuff on his wall. They are still good friends. So i proceeded to ask if he had sex with her yet. Then I told him that with the right approach, he could, that she was so easy he didn't even really have to try. My words were, "Just give her a little bit of attention, guarantee she'll take her clothes off."

...I read that out loud to myself. I heard every word accentuated by my voice. I heard my voice saying that sentence... I awoke, and realized that i sounded just like my father, like another friend of mine... Like a douche.

I always complain that my dad claims to be such a nice guy and says the things he says. Done the things he's done. A friend of mine use to talk like that too, i remember i hugged a girl who reminded me a lot of Kim and he said, "You probably got her wet right there." I was... becoming cynical and disgusting about women. I became the man that i claimed to hate in Junior high. What happened to me?

I'm not going on that site again. It's a funny site don't get me wrong, but it's making me hate people more. And a website that produces hate, isn't somewhere i should be going. Don't get me wrong now, i'm not saying they are hateful! I'm just... a picky guy. I like being a nice guy, i like thinking innocent, i like looking at a girl and not thinking about sex. I like wanting to date a girl, with sex out of the picture. I went on that site to ruin my innocence, to make me know how to handle myself when i came across a girl like that. I do now, but i don't need to know anymore. I need to be myself, and i'm better than that.

Moral of this story: There really isn't any. In the end, i still hate girls, still love women, and i'm as gullible and foolish as ever. I greatly admire a man by the name of Charles Bukowski. And the way he talked.. he wrote poems like he didn't give a fuck who read them. He cursed, he called women bitches, and whores, and sluts. He talked about drugs and alcohol. One of my favorite poems by him is, "The Best Love Poem I Can Write At the Moment." The reason being that it's so inappropriate, but at the end... it all comes together. It's... almost angelic. It's like he said the worst possible things, and then he used that, to explain the best possible thing. It's hard to explain, but read the poem, and you'll know what i mean.

So maybe this is a story i shouldn't have gone into, maybe i shouldn't be talking about a website that exploits women in a pornographic way, and go into detail about my mindset through it all. But that's my world. Light shine's only in the dark. And my epiphanies come when i least expect them. They make me a better person. I woke up this morning browsing that website, thinking the worst possible things about Kim. I go to sleep tonight, wishing her the best, hoping she keeps off the drugs, hoping that she'll wake up one day and not cheat on her boyfriend.

But i feel i also have to talk about my stance on men and women at the moment. I've achieved a great sense of equality between men and women. It used to be i would stand up for the nice guys, because i was nice guy. Then i would stand up for the women, because i love women. But now, i know it all. I know there's a difference between a girl and a woman. I know there's a difference between a Fool and a nice guy. In this world, Fool's can't be appreciated, and girls are loved.

Please... be the latter.

Zooey's Story

Ok So i think you guys... or whoever reads my blogs, might have a somewhat clear story for Lucy and Kim. They were my biggest problems, and it's hard to let them go. But I never actually told you the story of Zooey. The best way i can describe her character... ever see the show "New Girl"? She is probably EXACTLY like Zooey Deschanel on that show. And i always say how i'm going to marry Zooey, this is just another reason.

So if by some magical reason you wasted enough time to not only read this post but then one where I told you what happened with Zooey, then you know why we aren't friends anymore. I won't have to cover that again. In case you don't want to read it, Zooey is the reason why me and Lucy aren't dating, and why i'll never be with the one i truly love... which is Lucy.

Do I hate Zooey? ...Fuck you. Fuck you for asking that. Simply because I have every reason to hate Zooey! There is no reason why i should feel anything but resent for that girl! But do i hate her? Can i ever say I hate her? Honestly no. I mean i can, but i won't mean it. I hate what she did to me, but her?

No, i'll always love her.

What you have to understand is that we were friends, best friends, for 4 months before i met Lucy. The first day we met we completed each others sentences. Most of her music could be found in the "Juno" soundtrack, because that's what she defined as indie. At the time, when that movie came out, indie just came out. And Indie, was basically blown up by that movie and Ellen
Page. Also contributed to the rise of people like Seth Rogan and Mike Cera. She also loved Zooey Deschanel, that much we had in common. I bought her some food and we talked about sex. Keep in mind, this is the FIRST day we met.

But this is just who we were.

Within 3 days i was over her house carving pumpkins using stencils for characters from Nightmare Before Christmas. I met her brother, her father, her mother, and her dogs. I loved them all. I loved her house, i loved her room. I loved her. She was probably the coolest girl i will ever meet in this world.

Partly because she was just like me.

Our arguments? Did we even have arguments? We couldn't yell at each other! We whispered things that bothered us while looking in the distance. We wanted to make each other happy. Everything i said, everything i did, was a move to impress her. We had silly string can fights, we took a road trip to the city, we went to the movies, we took walks, we explored ruined houses, we told jokes, we stayed up all night drinking and watching Fight Club. She cooked for me, and i cooked for her. Although my greatest friend in the world is Samwise, up until i met Zooey, i couldn't imagine a better time i had with a friend.

Yes we hooked up. We kissed, and a little more. But i'm not talking about that. I'm not going to talk about why we never went out, i'm not going to talk about why i never pushed for it. Because as much as i love this girl, the knife on my back came from a friend, not a girlfriend.

So i'll just skip over the day Lucy left me. It was in December, i was at my mothers house when i called up Zooey first thing in the morning about a concert to our favorite band. It was OUR favorite band, i believe her favorite at the time was MC Chris, and mine was Porcupine Tree. But Flogging Molly was something we shared together. I'll never forget the scream she let out when I told her about it. How excited she was that i had bought her a ticket. And i'll never forget the concert itself, which turned out to be just a fantastic night.

It was after all this that we stopped speaking. I was still in depression over losing Lucy, and Zooey suddenly got her boyfriend.

And so began my misogynist ways. I don't want people to get it twisted! I don't hate Zooey's boyfriend, i wasn't jealous of him. I didn't hate Zooey for going out with him, or spending time with him. I hate her, because i blatantly chose her over Lucy, for "friend code" and I never saw her again after the concert.

Something else followed. My brother had come for the summer. And i love my brother literally more than i love myself. He means the world to me. And i told him all about Zooey and he got very excited. He couldn't wait to meet her.

He left disappointed.

2 months with her boyfriend, and my bro was with me for 3. So 5 months, she couldn't give me a fucking day. 1 day was all i asked! Now a look at her side, she did wind up seeing me. Only for an hour and i had to go to work and my brother had gone out with my dad. She never got to see him. We never had the night like i dreamed, in the kitchen making cookies or whatever, while we had music playing, and just horsing around all 3 of us. Never happened.

And so we fast forward a bit. 2 weeks before my brother has to leave. Me and him are talking, about her no less! When speak of the devil she texts me. She wants to see me and my bro. I'm suddenly excited! Every bad thing i said about her i immediately swallow back! When my brother say's something, i yell at him. I defend her. She asks if we can hang out sunday. I say, "Of course! now you can meet my brother!" Excited she say's, "Yeah! I just got dinner with my boyfriends mom and him at 5 so i have to leave early."

This is where I snap. Let's review my situation. I have girlfriend at the time. I have 2 jobs. I got 4 classes at school. And my brother is visiting. So most of the time, i'm exhausted. I wasn't sure if i worked sunday but i was probably going to make sure. If i went to work, i'd leave at 12, so i'd go home, take a shower, get dressed, wait for her, decide on a place to go, meet her there, spend time there and have to leave before 5. I take long ass showers ok? And when it comes to getting ready i tend to procrastinate by instinct. So by the time we are all ready and seeing each other, it'd be around 2:30, at best. and she has to leave before 5 to get home and get ready. So maybe around 4 she has to leave. It's been 4 months since she saw me, and she's never met my brother, and all she's giving me is ONE and a HALF HOUR.

All my anger flowed at that point, for every girl that took advantage of me, for every stupid decision i ever made. I had an epiphany within 10 seconds and suddenly realized the horrible mistake i made when i chose her over Lucy. I wanted to yell at her. I wanted to argue with her. I wanted to run to her house till the blood was drained from my body, i wanted to bang on her door and throw the birthday card she made me and ask for every minute of time wasted with her back. This was my chance to finally let it all out, and close a relationship which i suddenly regretted with all of my soul.

"I'm sorry Zooey, i promised my brother i'd spend time with him alone before he goes."

She didn't understand what i was doing, and she didn't even bother to ask if she could join, like i predicted. Now before you judge me for letting her off so easy, what you have to understand is i loved her. What's worse is she was my Kryptonite. I could spend 2 years mad at her, but once she looks at me, i'm weak. I can't argue with her. She's the type of girl that you'd always feel like you were wrong. She's always right.

But that was the last time i tried talking to her, and her last attempt to saving our friendship.

After a total of 8 months, we met at a costume place where she promised to talk to me. I covered what happened with that in my story of lost love.

So I mention her every now and then, and whenever somebody asks, i tell them the story, hopefully they get some enlightenment from it. I hear things like, "Yo i would've smacked that bitch," "How were you even friends with her?" and, "I know you fuckin hate her right?"

And i always look at them with a weirded face and say, "...No, i don't." To this day, i will always wish her the best. Her boyfriend to my knowledge was a decent guy. Sure 8 years older or something, but still good. And i know she has fun with him, they balance each other out cause she's everything he isn't. She's happy, and if she could've left me in anyway, i'm glad it's like that.

I don't think she's aware i deleted her off of facebook, she hasn't tried once to contact me, and she had many different ways to. I could blame her for everything. But in the end, whats that going to do? I'm just going to be left with hate, and i don't want that. I loved her, for what she was. And i'll always remember the good times. I don't think i will ever have that much fun with a friend again, but i really don't need to. I got better friends. I'm better off without her.

I don't know how she's doing now, how her family is, if she's still with her boyfriend, or if she even remembers me. But i do know this. She helped me a lot when i was going crazy, and encouraged my imaginative growth. I never had that before, and for that i'm thankful. There's no reason to hate anybody or anything in this world to me. My hate list is 2 people long, and i'm determined to keep it that way. Every night or so, i'll look up at the sky. I'll sing a song by the Eels and dedicate it to Lucy. After that i think about the wrong that Zooey did to me, and i'll smile and hope that she's ok. Am i crazy? Yes. But, as Charles Bukowski once said:

"Some people never go crazy, what truly horrible lives they must lead."

P.S. If Zooey ever came to me on Facebook and finally apologize, and finally ask if we can hang out, your damn right i'm going to tell her to fuck off! Maybe a nice way, but Fuck off no less!

Self Ethics

You can either be one or the other right? Selfish or unselfish? It's tough sometimes to tell difference. Sometimes its just completely impossible.

We'll start off easy. Stealing is selfish. Stealing from the rich and giving to the poor is unselfish. Giving to the poor is unselfish. Giving to the poor so you look good is selfish. But that last one, at least your helping somebody. Some people don't take that into consideration. So i will justify selfishness, and wrong out unselfishness.

Have you ever hung out with someone, and you ask, "What do you wanna do?" what's the other person say? "I dunno... what do you wanna do?" "Where do you wanna go?" "Wherever you wanna go..." Doesn't that frustrate you? I know it frustrates the hell outta me. So now i've learned to force it. Yeah it's selfish at times, like I told someone to come to me to Manihani (Manhattan) and they went, "I don't feel like going there..." When i asked where else they wanted to go, they said, "uh... I dunno..." then i straight up told him, "Alright, you do that, I'm going to Manhattan." And i wound up going, alone. Yeah that sucked, but you know what? I had fun. I had a lot of fun. I just asked the wrong person to go with me. I'm just saying that sometimes, people mistake selfish with just knowing what you want. That mistake can cost some likeness points.

Now on the other hand, arguing with someone where you wanna go or what you want to do, is pushing it too far. That's selfish. I have another friend, some people have a problem with him. It's either his way or the highway. Actually, it's more like... if you don't do things his way, he's not joining. That's slightly exaggerated. I love the guy, because he makes plans. He knows what he wants to do. And that makes it easier on me, cause i don't have to make plans. I just follow him.

So we got that cleared, no where do relationships come in? This is where things get reeeeally tricky. I know because i've fucked up horrible with it before. Let's go back quite a ways to the love of my life, Lucy. All i ever said to her was, "The last thing i want to do is hurt you." And yes. I truly meant that. I never wanted to hurt her. So when Zooey came into the picture, i selfishly chose her over Lucy. Why? Cause in my eyes, i never deserved Lucy. I didn't do a damn thing in my life to deserve girl as great as Lucy. No matter how much of a nice guy i was, in the end i was an idiot. An incompetent, immature, naive fool. And Lucy deserved much better than that. A man who could support her, make her happy, give her everything she ever wanted. So my decision, in my eyes, was unselfish. So this is where I not only crossed the line, but i crossed it and shat on it, because you can see it better than I can from your point of view. Trying to be unselfish, i actually made the most selfish move. I should've been selfish. I should've looked out for number 1, me. Cause if did, I would've chose Lucy. Instead i looked at the ethics, the rules, my morals, loyalty. And I chose my best friend, because that's the way it would work right? Sometimes, just because you followed the rules, is exactly why you lose the game. Sometimes, you have to think outside the box.

Sometimes... in order to make the unselfish decision... you have to be selfish.

Now, i'm not saying this works for everything. But there is a famous criminal theorist who knew the secret to a perfectly working economy. I forget who it was, but he knew that if everyone in the world worked selfishly, worked just to make money to provide for their family, our economy would thrive. Honestly, if you based an economy on unselfishness, it'd be weak. It would crumble.

What i want you to take away from all this, is that you have to be selfish at times in order to be unselfish. And it works vice-versa. To every nice guy out there, be selfish! And to every asshole who tries to get his way, have a heart you dick. If we all fight what our sense of right and wrong tells us to do, we could lead a healthy life. Sometimes, to do the most good, you have to dwell in the darkest corners.

If you really want to lead a better life... You can meet me in purgatory.

Sluts

Now i posted a status update on my facebook. No i'm not giving my name or even my status. all i have to say is... it was about sluts. Now i don't have many friends, actually right now i have exactly 100. Which is a feat to me. I actually went down 2 friends. On a tangent, can i say that facebook should have a feature where you can see who defriended you?! I don't care, i'm just really curious!

Anyways back on point... the status i put up was actually liked by 2 people who i never talk to. 1 of them was a "friend"? I guess? of my ex. Kim. the bitch. And the other was liked by a girl i always thought was ugly and is friends with a guy who loves sluts. I don't THINK she is one, but she puts on that... front. You know the type of girl... bitchy and shows off that she is a bitch, loves people like... Jenna Marbles and watches shows like Jersey Shore. Friends with players and talks about sex and bitches and sluts. whatever..

Point is, i never talk to them two. I have never tried, nor have i ever wanted to. The first one i think hates my ex, which i don't care about one way or another. But that status might get back to my ex, in which case i might have some drama on my hands. It wasn't meant for her, i wrote that after watching a video where a guy's best friend was a slut and she said, "My pant's aren't fort knox, it's not a big deal..." I laughed my ass off at that.

Point is we need to clarify what a slut is exactly. And be sure you know a girl before you call her anything. Case in point. Back to kim, she once called herself, "the sluttiest slut of them all". She wore that title PROUDLY. Whoa, isn't that... a bad title? No. Not if it's true. It's just fact right? Wrong. This is where it gets complicated, so you might want to pay attention to this cause it's funny, and it's fucked.

By definition, my ex was a whore. Urbandictionary it, that is what she was. But she said she was a slut. Me being the OCD whatever i am... we'll go with idiot. So me being the idiot i am, i correct her. "Your not a slut... your a whore!" She doesn't take kindly to that... We get into an argument. She argues that she isn't a whore... but she is. She say's slut, i say whore, whats the difference exactly?

So for those who don't understand it on Urban dictionary, i'll explain it here. A slut is a girl...or guy, who has sex for fun. A whore is a girl... or guy, who has sex in exchange for something. Usually a whore is an excessive word for slut, the reason for this is people who are THAT bad are looked at and talked about like, "Geez, they must be doing it for SOMETHING." So i backtracked. i told her i was sorry, and she wasn't a whore... i lied... but i said it!

Anyways i took this time to study this phenomena. After having sex with her i realized something... She was the biggest whore i know. That is just the truth! She's damn near just hooking! Again, disclaimer... I'm not trying to insult her. I just like having things straight. Now if you read my post on the first time i had sex, you'd know how bad this girl was. To add to that, she would act as if sex was a job. She'd do this by only trying to make me cum, or just rejecting me and playing the Sims over me. This girl was supposed to be a huge slut, yet i didn't feel like we had that much sex. I thought it'd be sex all the time, but no. For as much time as we had, we spent more time doing of the shit. She just wanted to get me off, that's all sex was to her.

So i got home confirmed in my belief that she was a whore. A slut would've had sex regardless of the circumstance, just cause it was fun for her. Kim acted like it was troublesome. But why did she get so mad when i called her what she actually was? It's cause she knew that's what she actually was. It's important to make it clear this girl was in high school, she did drugs, she wanted a normal life like any other teen in this world. That means, sex. Sex is a normal thing teens do. It's basically a rite of passage. She was just introduced to it a different way. She knows it as a means to get attention. Therefore, she is an attention whore. It sucks but that's the way it is. She hates that she's a whore, that's why she got mad at me. She was ok with slut, because guys love sluts! When you go to high school, and you go to college, the hottest girls are sluts! That's like the hottest guys being douches. It just is, so her being a slut, in her mind, was equal to her being hot. It was a self esteem booster. But being a whore, ugly girls are whores. Whore, is an ugly word. Slut, is a dirty word. Slut is kinky. Whore is troublesome.

Where am i going with this? I have no clue. I just thought a point needed to be made. The world loves sluts, and whores are... not loved as much. For that reason i have a feeling my ex isn't going to be to happy with herself in the future. I mean i wish nothing bad on her, sure she hurt me and cheated on me, and wanted to keep using me... but thats all in the past. I'm a better person because of her... Like my mother! I hope Kim does well, i'm just sayin... she keeps going down the road she is going... she's not going to be happy, or well liked. But maybe i just think about things way too much...

Super

I said i was gonna do a movie review, i don't care if it's late! i'm gonna do it!

I was gonna do one of my favorite movies, but i just saw the movie Super, so i thought it'd be appropriate.

The movie Super, The plot is basically Kick-ass. Well that's what everybody compares it to, and that's initially what drove me to watch it. But Ellen Page in tights sealed the deal for me. Anyways upon further examination it is completely different then Kick-ass. Whereas Kick-ass was about ordinary kids becoming superheroes, Super was about a man on a self improvement journey...of sorts. Rainn Wilson stars as the main character Frank, who falls in love with Liv Tyler who is a recovering alkie. She starts to dabble in pot after they get married and goes onto the harder stuff. She leaves Frank for a major drug dealer and Frank wants to get her back. That's basic premise. And you think, oh ok, so he becomes a superhero, gets a sidekick, fails at first then comes in guns blazing and gets the girl and saves the city from a larger conspiracy. That is usually the plotline for these movies. But it's a much deeper movie than that.

What made me cringe a bit, is that Frank becomes a hero upon hearing a higher calling from God. Not destiny, but God, as in...well God. He see's a show on T.V. about a superhero called Christman or...somethin.... And he gets touched by God and believes God chose him to fight for justice. He's horrible at it. But as you watch the movie it's... very dark and brutal. You actually feel for the criminals. Some are bad, some are just minor crimes. Once Ellen Page's character joins the mix, it gets worse briefly. And what adds to it is Ellen Page going absolutely nuts over almost killing people! In one scene they She actually almost kills a guy who might have or might not have scratched her friends car. I tell you, the movie is horrible. Not horrible as in it sucks horrible. But horrible as in Million-Dollar Baby horrible. It's brutal, i found myself covering my eyes and cringing a lot. Those most of the things was, "I can't believe he's that stupid, no fucking way!" I didn't cover my eyes through violence. I covered my eyes when he dressed up in a costume and not only hit a man over the head with a wrench for CUTTING IN LINE at a movie theater, but also hitting an innocent girl for trying to stop him. It's the "he's so stupid" parts that make me cringe. I feel embarrassed for him. Also when he almost made it horribly apparent to a cop that he was the Crimson Bolt.

Is it to say the movie is bad? No! Of course not! By all means, it's a very good movie, it's engaging, it's funny, and it's unique with a lot of twists. Frank is absolutely incompetent, and it's to a painful degree, but still it's a very watchable movie. Overall... i'd give it an 8 out of 10. Unbiased of course, i'll give all movies an unbiased score based on how good it is. 8 out of 10 signifies that a lot of people would really enjoy it, and it's something that a lot more people should be into.

Now my score rating may be a bit weird. This time it's average. But I have a lot of favorite movies, and some might be getting low scores. But that's because i have to take in originality and storyline. My next movie might trip you up a bit. See you soon. Since i actually have a topic tonight, i might be posting something else up in like 10 minutes.

Nice Guys: The Asshole Paradox

Well i've been busy lately. Been trying my best to get into college and job-hunting. Plus i got a girl i think i can get. So if i didn't post for a while, please forgive me... i was thinking of you, i promise.

Anyways i thought it'd be cool if we picked up where i left off last time. Talking about nice guys. (The movie review will come don't worry.)

For most of my life i considered myself a hardcore nice guy. I've tried not to stare at a woman's ass, i tried to look a girl in the eyes when her boobs were bouncing in my face, i will always compliment a girl no matter how stupid i sound, and i'm straightforward and honest. Back then, in my naive eyes women can do us no wrong and men were the pigs. Which was half true. Not all men are pigs, but women... oh can they do us wrong...

But we're not talking about women... today. We're going to talk about what's wrong with men. What's wrong with nice men. How come there are no more nice guys? It's the woman's fault. That's right. Inadvertently though.

Let's make one point clear. This is a message to all the nice guys out there. WOMEN ARE NOT ATTRACTED TO ASSHOLES! That is a HUGE misconception that i'm going to right today. Women are attracted to confident men. And i know what your thinking, "Whoa, i'm confident and i still don't get girls..." Nice guys have that weakness. They associate confidence with self-esteem. It's not the same thing. Yes, esteem has to do with it, but a guy with low self-esteem can still be confident. Nice guys tend to be a shy bunch, i know, i'm one of them. And they're reluctant to start conversation with any girl in fear of rejection. Or they put themselves down by saying, "She's too good for me." You got to get it out of your head that she's too good for you. Too good doesn't exist. Any guy can get any girl. Haven't you ever walked down the street and thought, "How did HE get HER?"

Now listen up nice guys, i'm going to tell you right now a secret that apparently none of you know. Something very important that may very well change what girl you can get. Here it is: Girls are just like you. They are waiting for you to make a move. That's it. The problem with the nice guy is that he thinks because he's nice, all the girls are going to want him. For all you know, this is true. But they aren't going to make the first move, nor should they! If you want a girl, go get her. Because she might be waiting for you. Girls love nice guys, but nice guys never ask them out.

This is where the misconception comes in. You see the world is full of nice guys. So a girl may feel... ugly or unwanted cause none of them are asking her out. In comes the asshole, who asks her out. With confidence. Asshole's are confident men, but not all confident men are assholes. Picture this, a girl comes up to you. She says, "You know... your really cute. Would you like to go out sometime?" Are you gonna say no? I sure as hell wouldn't. It's the same thing for girls. They're waiting for a guy to have the balls to say somethin like that. If an asshole does it, she'll go for it. No one else wants her. And that's your fault nice guys.

But then, the nice guy see's the girls only date assholes. Therefore, they want to be one. Simply because they think that's what a girl wants. We go full circle. Guy wants girl, too shy to act, asshole wants girl, bein an asshole he acts, girl feels wanted, goes with asshole, guy loses girl, guy becomes asshole. This, is the asshole paradox. The girls cause the guys to become assholes, but the guys brought it on themselves. It's a paradox that's created from indifference.

So who do we blame, the chicken or the egg? Honestly we can't really blame anybody, except ignorance. And really, if people knew it wouldn't make a difference anyway. I've had many guys tell me, "the worse they can do is say no." And there's truth to that. But being the paranoid guy i was, i thought they'd tell other girls and ruin my chances with them. I'm sure i'm not the only one to think that. But don't worry, if other girls know it can work in YOUR favor. One of those girls might like you, and get jealous. They'll make it known, and you'll get closer to them than the other girl. Now if your convinced your in love with the other girl... that's a whole different topic.

My First Time

Keep in mind that while i write this, I am currently listening to "Street Lights" by Kanye West from his 808's and Heartbreak album. if anyone knows that song, you'll know why i'm on a strong romanticism kick.

Anyways i want to discuss my first time. For what reason? I got drunk and forgot to do the movie review so we'll just do it tomorrow if I have time. But a comment on the youtube video for Street Lights got me thinking about my first time. The comment was something along the lines of, "I put my penis in a vagina for the first time 2 years ago to this song." Roughly Paraphrasing.

So yeah my first time. It was with.... well she isn't but i'll consider her my first girlfriend. You might remember, her name was Kim.. I think? Don't feel like looking back. Now Kim was pretty, don't get that twisted. She was a bit thick, but it was nothing too bad. She was still very pretty and very cute. I remember describing her as looking just like Amy Adams, couple of mannerisms and all. Sure she was a whore, but there was more to her than that. She was innocent, cute, she was a good person, and honest and all that stupid shit.

She was long distance, so yeah that was stupid. But that doesn't take away anything. I loved being with her at the time, I was sure i was in love with her. I remember a text she sent her sister said, "Yeah long distance sucks, but i'm sure he's the guy i want to marry." That plucked my heart strings a bit. We finally met up and we hugged and held in any passionfor the sake of my best friend and her mom being around.

...So we got upstairs to her room. She locked the door, and slowly turned around. She gave me that look, like, "I can't believe your actually here." And she walked slowly towards me. I was sitting on her bed. She put one of my knees between her legs, took off my hat and gently ran her hands through my hair, never taking her eyes off me. She kissed me for the first time... and then she got on top of me and we kissed for a little bit. Other things happened but lets get to the nitty gritty.

She took her shorts off, i took my jeans off, i put a condom on. She got on top and started riding me and... Thats it. Now i'm listening to Kanye still, so I'm romantisizing this as much as i can. So now here to tell you what really went down, i'll put on some Tom Waits.

Now this bitch (yes i go through personality changes often) didn't do shit. She blew me, it sucked. She rode me. It sucked. I'm not trying to talk down to her, it's just with the experience she's had, i'd expect her to be good! Now you may be wondering, "How could sex at all be bad?"

In all honesty, it wasn't that bad. It MIGHT have been good. Bearable even. But the blow job lasted all of 4 minutes, and she got tired of doing it. It's my first time, and i was brought under the impression that any guy who lasted shorter than 5 minutes would be teased as having no sexual skill. But i worked it in my favor because i coerced her into having sex. she scoffed, but did it anyway. Condom was too tight, but whatever. She got on top, and rode me a bit. After about 5 minutes she asked, "Are you done yet?" I was like, "....we just got started." Another scoff. Then she started getting more into it. Thats what i'm talking about! I thought. She bent a bit more down, grabbed my shirt, and started saying, "cum for me baby! cum!"

So now i'm under this tremendous pressure. She wants me to and i can't! All i could think was Is this how women feel?! She finally stops and tells me she's tired, and we'll do it again when her moms not in the house. We'd go all out.

To be fair, she did finally make me cum when her mom was gone. but this didn't come till about a week after. we still had sex, but just for her. If you want a scoreboard, here you go: 15 days i had in the state she lived in. 12 days in total i had with her. of those 12 days she wanted to have sex maybe... 8 of those days. Of those 8 days, we had sex on an average 3 times. 2-4 times. Of all those times, you think.. and average of 24 times we had sex. She came every single one of those times. And me? I came... 4. If that number looks weird, i'll spell it out. FOUR. A guy and a girl had a sexual relationship where the girl came 6 TIMES the number the guy came.

So my first time was horrible really. And i really kinda regret it. The only good that came out of it was the fact that Lucy was so amazing, that she blew my mind. Having such low expectations as i did, boosted Lucy. I'm glad for that.

Back to Kanye, and what did i learn from my relationship with Kim? Well... sex with someone you love may not be all that sometimes. Sometimes trust and love isn't everything. Because you never know when you just got a case of the puppy love, or the tragic love. The whole "want what you can't have" thing? I loved Lucy, and it was the sexual chemistry that added to it. When i loved Kim, it was because i had no one else. Lucy... it was everything. We were attracted to each other, are personalities interested each other, our goals were somewhat the same, and the sex... just blew the door wide open. For kim, i was relying on love because you were there.

A little lesson for you people, you can't love someone just cause they're there! You can't expect anyone to love you just cause your there! Don't get me wrong, that's great too! But actions speak louder than words. Speaking the words is what will get you recognized. You have to be sure that love isn't based on anything except them, and thats tough, but believe me when i say you'll know it when you see it. Look out for sincerity, and be sure you see that people do feel for you. Love can blind you, and it can also hinder you. It'll leave you paranoid, but you have to find the right amount. What i'm saying may not make sense. but i hope you can understand what i'm saying enough.

P.S. Kim hooked up with 3 dudes and had sex with one a month after we broke up. She got a new boyfriend, broke up with him cause she's in college, and then got back with him cause she wanted a boyfriend in college. And now she's cheating on him. Be sure you know your girls fools. Nice guys need to learn a little something. We'll talk about that sometime.