That Which Stay's With You

I'm running on about 20 grape tomatoes, fruity pebbles, and about 5 cups of chocolate pudding. Thank god for wireless keyboards, i can walk while writing. I love to walk. I just saw a pic of my ex, updated. She's in town. Came back for a visit. Of course not for me, but for her family.

She still looks beautiful. and this has nothing to do with anything.

I want to write. Like seriously become a writer. My blog is called chasing cliches because i study them. Cliches i mean. But it just leaves me so confused. I follow moral guidelines. I have a conscience, a loud one as previously discussed. So i listen to him. My heart. Hopefully it'll lead me in the right direction. But how can i hope to go the right direction when i don't even know which way it is.There are so many contradictions, so many loop holes and loose ends, how can you even know who's right or wrong?

On the surface i want to tell you cheating is wrong. That if you truly love someone you wouldn't cheat on them. Even so you should never cheat on anyone because no one deserves that. Everyone is beautiful. Treat everyone the way you should be treated and that you should never lie.

But i've experienced the contradictions. I fell in love with a woman who had been dating a guy for a full year. She cheated on him with me, and we both fell in love. She broke up with him for me, and she didn't tell him about me. After that we dated, and i never cheated on her... but i hung out with a friend of mine who was a girl. This hurt my gf, and she just couldn't deal with a long distance relationship with her bf hanging out everyday with another girl. So i lied to her. To protect her from anymore pain. But lying is so against what i'm about that i had to confess. And she broke up with me. After that my best friend left me for her bf, and when they broke up she contacted me again saying she was sorry. Like what happened with my ex and I. I didn't forgive her, though i want my ex to forgive me.

Everything that happened there was true, and i'm positive you can see where i was right, where i was wrong, and how easy it must have been to make the mistakes i did. But then who's wrong? Am i wrong for choosing a best friend over a girlfriend? Am i wrong for trying to protect the one i love? Am i wrong for not giving my friend a second chance? Or are they wrong? Is my ex wrong for not trusting me? Is my best friend wrong for choosing her bf over me after learning how well it went for me?

There is no clear line. There is no definite right or wrong. And this isn't a rare occurrence. This is the way the world works. This is the world you're stepping into. It's a horrible place with a beauty so gorgeous, a life so profound that is hellishly easy to lose. But that's what makes that which stays with you forever so much more meaningful. You cherish that which you obviously should've lost, and you kick yourself for the things you did. But than again... if you lose something, did you even deserve to have it in the first place? Should you even have had it?

I've lost a great many things in my life. I've wept and pounded on the floor, i've put holes in walls, and felt cuts in my heart. I've had head pains and heartaches, longings and alienation. Loneliness and suicide. I can't say i've had a miserable life, because than i would have missed the whole point of living. I can't complain because i have no right to, i've made the bed i lie in. I don't want to be humble, because i don't want to be viewed as humble. I don't want humble to be a characteristic i have, yet i don't want untrustworthy to follow me around like it has been. I don't want people to hate me, but i don't want fake love. I want people to talk to me but i hate hearing them talk so insincerely, like they don't care about a word i say. I love people, but i hate them at the same time. The world is beautiful, yet shit at the same time.

I've learned the hard way that things can't be just this, that or this. There's no black and white, there's this incredible hue of colors that represent the world, from it's darkest moments to it's most beautiful. We have to appreciate every little thing that comes towards us, love every rose ignoring their thorns. My first assumption was correct. there is no ugly. There is only that which we enjoy or stay away from. To call anything ugly would be to say that there are things in the world that are completely useless and that is not true. It's the ugly that helps us appreciate the beautiful. Everything has beauty in it. It was my mother who taught me all the horrible things a woman can be, and i now have grown to be this confused and curious person i am. My sister hated me, and that taught me how to show everything in the world love and friendliness, that everything deserves a chance to bloom. My family and friends have all shown me things that maybe i shouldn't have experienced, but for better or worse it may be who i am.

Now this is where my daily epiphany comes in. At the end of the day, i'll turn on a song i love, i'll stand with my hat pulled down over my eyes, one hand on my chest, and my foot lifted constantly hitting the floor with my toes. And i love it. I love myself. As much as i say i hate myself, as much as i self degrade myself, as much as i second guess my motives, my experiences, what i live for, what i write and what i have done to a beautiful girl named M, i still love all that i am. I love the feel of my hair, the sound of my feet on the floor, my legs as the cross and step in weird ways, i love my taste in shoes, my stubborness wearing my hates. my awkward speech, my outlook on life, and my appreciation for a field of dreams with a lone tree that may or may not exist. My dreams of building a house in the desert or an island, the influence i have on my brother, or that way the rain feels on my skin. My obsession with water and my love for the earth, toying with fire and the feel of air.

Appreciation... probably the most beautiful thing in the whole world. But before you show it to anyone, be sure to show it to yourself.

I don't know.

3 words that just seem to define my life as of late. I don't know. I don't know why i'm so passionate about being a writer when i feel like i personally suck at it. I don't know why i don't want to be a cop even though i grew up obsessed with Zelda and admire Link's sense of justice. I don't know why i can only see the good in people, or why i only WANT to see the good in people when i've had so many bad things done to me. I don't know what it is that keeps me so depressed and unmotivated. I don't know why time moves so quickly for me when i don't want it to, but so slow when i'm suffering. I don't know why after all these years i still dislike my mother, and don't trust my father. I don't know why i can't stand around to be my sis or hear her talk. I don't know why even though i felt strong and happy that my grandmothers pain was taken away when she died, but i can't visit her grave. I just don't know why i love going to school and learning, act arrogant yet try to be so humble. I don't know why being humble is so important to me. I have no fuckin' clue why i think about HER every day, every night of these past 3 years even though we went out for maybe less than a month. I don't know why i can't just move on and try out any girl no matter who they are, just to try them out. I don't know why i see every girl as beautiful, yet don't want to try going out with any of them. I don't know why i want to be alone, or why i just don't want to be around people unless i'm working. I don't know why i can't dedicate even a week of my vacation or anytime to the stories i've started but have never finished. I don't know why when i think of her i can't breathe, or i get panic attacks, or i feel pain in my chest as if i suddenly grew a heart. I don't know why i make suicidal jokes, or self-degrading jokes, or heartless and asshole jokes when i even can clearly see i'm a nice guy. I don't know why i want to help so many people, yet don't want to get involved in their messes. I don't know why I hate the situation i am, yet i'm taking my sweet ass time trying to make moves. I don't know why i feel like the world hates me. I don't know why i feel like the world doesn't trust me. I don't know why i feel friendless, loveless, hopeless and brain dead. I don't know why at times i feel like a zombie, like i'm dead, like i have been for years. Like there's nothing i should be living for, yet i am because i'm stubborn.

What do i know? I know that I love the prospect of moving to a place like Seattle, New Mexico, or Scotland. I know that i want to travel and see the most beautiful things the world has to offer. I know that i want to see her one more time and hopefully make her proud. I know that i could never win her back, but i also know that sometimes life isn't about what you want, but what's best for the person you love. I know that i love my aunt, my uncle, and my brother more than anything in the world. I know that i'm done trying to be a teenager, trying to get drunk or high to party with the other teens. I know that i'm not done being a kid yet though, that my imagination and love for video games are what define my morals and interests today. I know that even though i won't have a kid, i don't need one because i've had my hand raising enough people, even if they are people who want nothing to do with me now. I know that it's my passion for learning, writing, and studying people that has kept me going all these years, and that the happiness of one girl, though meaningful to me, isn't what is keeping me alive. I know that it's me doing this to myself.

I guess when your conscience speaks so fuckin' loud, you have no choice but to eventually listen to what it's saying. I don't know if it's my heart talking to me, all i know is someone is saying something. Someone is disagreeing with decisions i may make, and someone know the right ones. Someone is comforting me and helping me take my next foot forward, even though i'm visibly alone when i do it. And as it looms closer to that horrible day, the day that my curse began, my birthday, i know that i'm grateful for every stupid breath i take.

And M. Lucy. Baby girl. Love. Wife. I will always remember what we could've had. What i let go. I'll always be here whenever you need me. You taught me more than anyone ever has in the single month we were together. Even though it was short lived, i saw a lifetime of happiness through your eyes, kids, a future, and growing old. It's gone now, but it existed. And even though we broke up 2 days after my birthday, it will forever be the greatest time in my life currently.

.......Not that i want to forget you. But i do hope things get better.