Music makes up most my life. Now most of my stories, or things i talk are usually 100% true, unless i state beforehand that it's exaggerated. I lived in a place i called Purgatory. It could be attributed to all the songs i listened to while i lived in my room. Where i used to live, i never went outside and my room was where i spent all of my time. As with any high schooler, music was my getaway. It took me to a place where nothing could touch me, nothing ever happened, and that was okay. In the real world, if you did nothing all day you'd be held suicidal, or you'd get no where in life, or people will just endlessly judge you. In my world, time was non-existant, and I was the only person there.
But enough of my pathetic social life, music! We are here to talk about music. What kind of music do I like... That's a hell of a question. It could go anywhere from Boston, to Kid Cudi. Lykke Li, to Atmosphere. Porcupine Tree, to Hey Ocean!. I mean there are tons of bands and artists I listen to. But i guess the main thing is, i love music that impresses me. Hey Ocean! is a pretty indie band, no one really knows them. But why do I love them? Their music video for "Alleyways" is amazing. It leaves me with such a good feeling. It's low budget, but it's probably one of the best music videos i've ever seen. They are my most positive band.
Now that we got the positive out the way, let's talk about real music. I'm not shakesphere lover, i'm not a fan of tragedies. I'm a fan of rebirth. So most of my songs might sound dark, but i see the light. You have to look close. So most of the time you'll catch me listening to bands like Porcupine Tree, Atmosphere, Massive Attack, Portishead, Tom Waits and The Eels. Those are probably at the top. I'm aware most of those bands are underground, i get it. Your probably hoping for some more pop culture references. I'm getting there!
So if it isn't all that artsy-fartsy stuff my friends seem to hate, it's usually classic rock. I'm a big big fan of bands like Boston, Queen, Foreigner, Pink Floyd, the Beatles, the Who, The Rolling Stones, Blue Oyster Cult, Cream, The Doors, the Police, Kansas, The Kinks, Rod Stewart, Styx and some more. I love classic rock, i grew up on it. I feed on it. It keeps me in my good moods. Plus i can break out and sing any of their songs at random.
Now if anyone has seen the movie "I Think I Love My Wife", there is an expression there that i will use to describe my taste's for the next few artists. I have what they call "Nigga' ears". I have some "Nigga' Ears". by that I mean I listen to a lot of Al Green, Earth Wind and Fire, Marvin Gaye, Billie Holiday, Leadbelly, The Temptations and such. "Nigga Ears" don't necessarily conform to just rap music. Though i do love some rap music.
Segue! I have a loooooooot of things to say about rap music. But i'll talk about that in another post. This is strictly what i like, and don't like (as much as I feel I need to talk about it). I'm okay with Lil' Wayne. I like him. I liked Tha Carter III, I liked a lot of his unknown songs. He's a cool dude. When it comes to rap though, i usually just go for CYNE, Old Eminem, Atmosphere, Kid Cudi, Jedi Mind tricks, and Cunninlynguists.
....Oh you don't know any of them except Cudi? You were expecting Drake, Nicky Minaj, Jay-Z, T. Pain, T.I. or whatever? Ok i'm going to lay it down right here. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN RAP AND HIP-HOP!
A lot of people don't seem to understand that. An ex girlfriend of mine (*cough*Kim*cough*) once told me, "Oh i absolutely love rap music! It's my favorite!" I showed her some Cyne and Atmosphere, she started laughing. "This isn't rap! It has no beat! It's all 'Ugh uh uh uh'" That was her definition of my music, which was rap. She was wondering where all my David Guetta, and T. Pain shit was. They aren't rap, they are hip-hop. Before I go any further i have to make this clear. Rap, is centered around the lyrics flowing with the music. Beats are just there to enunciate the lyrics. The beats aren't that important. Hip-Hop is the other way around. And you can even see this in the name! RAP= Rhythm and Poetry. Hip-Hop= What you do when you hear the music. Hip-Hop makes you dance. Rap, is a statement. It's meant to tell a story, or spark a movement. Anybody calling themselves rappers and have their songs featured in clubs are liars. they are musicians. Still artists, just not rappers. If your wondering why i'm getting so worked up over it, it's just... give credit where credit is due. It's like putting a picture book on the National Bestsellers List. Yeah, it's a book, but it's a not a novel.
Whew... anyways, moving on. You know my rapping favorites, next would logically be my hip-hop favorites. Keep in mind i don't really have that much on my Ipod, i'm pretty mainstream ignorant. But i do have some favorites i keep an eye on. Nicky Minaj, i love her. Not just her body, but what she's doing for music. She's funny, she's a female eminem, and she's weird. We need a weird rapper! And she's actually one exception to the rap/hip-hop genre... fuck tangent! We'll discuss it another time! Anyways, I love Kid Cudi, and he actually duals hip-hop and rap. I think he's one of the best rappers out there. Drake is okay sometimes.... That's about all i got really. I told you, i'm not really all that into Hip-hop. Honestly I think Hip-hop kinda sucks. It's pointless to me. It's for all the teenagers who are tasteless and don't want to put that much effort into music, and all the artists that want hit singles, and don't want to put effort into music. Hip-hop is just one big machine really. It's kinda like... If music was art, Hip-hop would be stickers. They're cool and all, and it takes talent... but it's something you forget about really, and shouldn't care for it much. If your wondering what i DO listen to that makes me dance, well i'll take you to the real deal, Trip-hop.
Trip-hop is the evolution of hip-hop. Hip-hop is a caveman, and Trip-hop are street artists. I love Trip-hop. It is beat and just sexy voices. If you want good Trip-hop:Massive Attack (default), Portishead, Tricky, Sampleminded, Dutch, Flying Lotus (Technically Electronic), Lykke Li, Thievery Corporation, Trespassers William, Lamb, and i'm sure there's tons more. If you want good music to show your significant other a good time, throw away the stereotypical Barry White (no disrespect, I love him) and put on some Trip Hop.
Of course going through my rebellious teen years i have to have some hard rock music somewhere. Something rebellious to make me hate my parents, or society in general. So yeah i listened to Nirvana, Smashing Pumpkins, Foo Fighters, Rage Against the Machine (so of course Audioslave...), Billy Talent, The Bravery, The Deftones, Filter, Fightstar, Flyleaf, Incubus,Jimmy Eat World, Good Charlotte (When they were good), Pennywise, The Pixies, Presidents of The United States of America, Soundgarden, Sublime, Sytem of A Down, Thrice and Yellowcard.
Alright i think i basically covered everything. Now i'm going to name the miscellaneous. These are bands that i absolutely love, but really have no genre of their own, or have several genres they can fit in, or are unknown, or are so weird, but cool i saw it fit to mention them here. these people include:Matt and Kim, Death Cab for Cutie, Megaran, YTCracker, the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, the Gorillaz, Pogo, Norah Jones, Nas and Damien Marley, Flogging Molly, MGMT, Friends of Lizzy, Ephixa (youtube), Broken Social Scene and there is still more probably.
More or less, again i love music that brings something interesting. That can take you somewhere, or show you something. Especially music that tells you a story. It's why i don't listen to mainstream to much. It's all... surface really. It's not at all that i hate the mainstream, it just has nothing to offer me.
What's popular in music right now? I'm going to read you the top 10 in music right now. the top 10 artists who wrote the top 10 songs and are popular right now. Starting from 1: Adele, Rihanna, Flo Rida, David Guetta, Katy Perry, Bruno Mars, LMFAO, Kelly Clarkson, Jay-Z and Kanye, and last Jessie J.
I don't mind Adele, she's a form of trip-hop to me, and honestly we need to get that out there IMHO. Rihanna and Katy Perry... I don't like Katy Perry, and Rihanna is talented, but it's the same song every time to me. Bruno Mars... same thing as Rihanna, it's hip-hop, people are easy. I don't... hate LMFAO. I just wouldn't put them in my ipod. Honestly, great dancing music, shit gets you pumped! I'll leave it at that. I missed Kelly Clarkson actually, she needs to come back, she could sing! I don't even know what kind of music Flo rida makes, i just assume he sucks at this point. I don't why David Guetta get's a lot of credit for songs when he never sings. Mediocre DJ. Jay-Z and Kanye... I like them really. Kanye's beginning to piss me off though, and Jay-Z is always talented. And Jessie-J... i'm going to be honest, off hand, i have no fuckin' clue who that is.
Ok literally just checked her out, and... she can sing. No problem there. but she looks like she's jumping on the Nicky Minaj and Lady Gaga train... so she's Katy Perry. What i want to get clear about me, I love Lady Gaga, and her weirdness. She ate a piece of paper on the David Letterman show. I did that in 7th grade! Haha i love her, she's funny. And she can sing, and she got some catchy songs. I don't listen to them, but they're fine with me. Nicky Minaj, is like the Lady Gaga of rap. But also with alter egos, and funny voices. I love that! Those are gimmicks, i love gimmicks! That's a show! Entertainment! What the biz is all about! Katy Perry seems like a teenage Lady Gaga to me. A teenager convincing everyone she's weird, but still trying to be attractive. She's no Zooey Deschanel! Zooey is freakin' talented, weird, but doesn't try to be. She just is. So i dislike Katy Perry. As for Jessie J... I like her better than Katy Perry. Haha I'm sorry if i'm pissing you off here! But From what i was reading Jessie J is a songwriter. So she's weird, she can write and she can sing. She's not relying on beats. But it enunciates her vocals. That is the definition of music. She talented? Yeah! Girly? Hell yeah! Would i listen to her? Hell no! But there's no denying she talented. Just like Justin Bieber. Is his music good? No. Can he sing? Yeah! Can he dance? Yeah! He's good at what he does, i feel no need to hate on him. He brings something to the table.
I think that's all i got for now. But that is a basic cover on music. Now you know my tastes. I'm going to do a lot more of this, hopefully you guys will be into it. whoever waste's their time with this.
Send me idea's for topics, what you want me to give my opinion about. I'd love to start a video blog, but too broke for a good camera. Maybe in the future though if this goes well.
P.S. Movie review coming sometime.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
Not about sluts.
It's hard to believe i did a single post dedicated specifically to sluts, but i just discovered isanyoneup.com and i blasted "Fuck you Lucy" by Atmosphere, and i feel there's still some ground i didn't cover.
If you haven't been on the website i just mentioned, you should definitely check it out, it's freakin' hilarious. I found out about them through a news show on youtube called The Young Turks. They were talking about a trend called, "slut shaming" where there are websites dedicated to pointing out sluts. Of course, me being experienced in that area, i had to check it out myself.
I have never had so much fun looking through naked pictures. I laughed my ass off, and kept hoping i would see Kim there. I swear, i kept thinking she'd be the next girl on there. And there was this one girl who i saw that the owner of the site personally found. He wanted to fuck her, but he wanted to embarrass her a bit first. So over video chat, he recorded her shoving various items up her ass. I'm a straight-forward guy, and i didn't know how to sugarcoat that last sentence.
Anyways, she became infamous over the internet as "butthole girl". You can't make this shit up. I found her facebook, i found her tumblr, no I'm not leaving links, I am just informing you guys. So butthole girl did it for attention. And behold, she got what she wanted. Thousands of people message her a day now asking for sex. And guess what? She complained.
This is my main problem with girls. I love women. I hate girls. And this is just like my ex, they want attention, and when they get it, it's not the kind they wanted. They put themselves out there like a slut, and when they become recognized as one, they complain. "This isn't what i wanted!" Oh shut up... You fucked 10 guys within 2 years in high school, and blew a double digit number, and you wonder why people view you in that way? You know Kim once told me that her favorite parties were ones where people from different high schools got together? Of course, cause the guys will hit on her and not know that she's easy, but that she puts out.
Enough about my ex, she's not why i'm writing this. Butthole girl didn't act like Kim. Instead, she completely put it out there that she's a slut. On her tumblr people asked her question, several people asked, "When are we gonna fuck?" and she'd come back with, "As soon as you show your face anon." If you don't know, on tumblr you can make yourself anonymous so the person doesn't know who you are. And she didn't care, she'd literally have sex with anyone.
As i'm writing this, i'm realizing how severely inappropriate this post is becoming, and worse, i send this blog to potential employers, i do want to be a writer after all. I really need tofind more family-friendly topics...
So as with every post, why am i writing about this? I haven't reached a point yet. Well here it is.
This post isn't about sluts. It isn't about whores, it isn't about my ex, or sex at all. It's about the epiphany i had going through isanyoneup.com.
I went through that site, laughed at every slut, every whore, and said, "Well, they shouldn't have done it if they didn't want it up there." And i was so into the idea of finding Kim on the site, that i literally went searching by cities. Couldn't find her, but it didn't matter. I kept laughing, i kept having a great time. Then i texted my Samwise about it. I also went through facebook and found that Kim had left him stuff on his wall. They are still good friends. So i proceeded to ask if he had sex with her yet. Then I told him that with the right approach, he could, that she was so easy he didn't even really have to try. My words were, "Just give her a little bit of attention, guarantee she'll take her clothes off."
...I read that out loud to myself. I heard every word accentuated by my voice. I heard my voice saying that sentence... I awoke, and realized that i sounded just like my father, like another friend of mine... Like a douche.
I always complain that my dad claims to be such a nice guy and says the things he says. Done the things he's done. A friend of mine use to talk like that too, i remember i hugged a girl who reminded me a lot of Kim and he said, "You probably got her wet right there." I was... becoming cynical and disgusting about women. I became the man that i claimed to hate in Junior high. What happened to me?
I'm not going on that site again. It's a funny site don't get me wrong, but it's making me hate people more. And a website that produces hate, isn't somewhere i should be going. Don't get me wrong now, i'm not saying they are hateful! I'm just... a picky guy. I like being a nice guy, i like thinking innocent, i like looking at a girl and not thinking about sex. I like wanting to date a girl, with sex out of the picture. I went on that site to ruin my innocence, to make me know how to handle myself when i came across a girl like that. I do now, but i don't need to know anymore. I need to be myself, and i'm better than that.
Moral of this story: There really isn't any. In the end, i still hate girls, still love women, and i'm as gullible and foolish as ever. I greatly admire a man by the name of Charles Bukowski. And the way he talked.. he wrote poems like he didn't give a fuck who read them. He cursed, he called women bitches, and whores, and sluts. He talked about drugs and alcohol. One of my favorite poems by him is, "The Best Love Poem I Can Write At the Moment." The reason being that it's so inappropriate, but at the end... it all comes together. It's... almost angelic. It's like he said the worst possible things, and then he used that, to explain the best possible thing. It's hard to explain, but read the poem, and you'll know what i mean.
So maybe this is a story i shouldn't have gone into, maybe i shouldn't be talking about a website that exploits women in a pornographic way, and go into detail about my mindset through it all. But that's my world. Light shine's only in the dark. And my epiphanies come when i least expect them. They make me a better person. I woke up this morning browsing that website, thinking the worst possible things about Kim. I go to sleep tonight, wishing her the best, hoping she keeps off the drugs, hoping that she'll wake up one day and not cheat on her boyfriend.
But i feel i also have to talk about my stance on men and women at the moment. I've achieved a great sense of equality between men and women. It used to be i would stand up for the nice guys, because i was nice guy. Then i would stand up for the women, because i love women. But now, i know it all. I know there's a difference between a girl and a woman. I know there's a difference between a Fool and a nice guy. In this world, Fool's can't be appreciated, and girls are loved.
Please... be the latter.
If you haven't been on the website i just mentioned, you should definitely check it out, it's freakin' hilarious. I found out about them through a news show on youtube called The Young Turks. They were talking about a trend called, "slut shaming" where there are websites dedicated to pointing out sluts. Of course, me being experienced in that area, i had to check it out myself.
I have never had so much fun looking through naked pictures. I laughed my ass off, and kept hoping i would see Kim there. I swear, i kept thinking she'd be the next girl on there. And there was this one girl who i saw that the owner of the site personally found. He wanted to fuck her, but he wanted to embarrass her a bit first. So over video chat, he recorded her shoving various items up her ass. I'm a straight-forward guy, and i didn't know how to sugarcoat that last sentence.
Anyways, she became infamous over the internet as "butthole girl". You can't make this shit up. I found her facebook, i found her tumblr, no I'm not leaving links, I am just informing you guys. So butthole girl did it for attention. And behold, she got what she wanted. Thousands of people message her a day now asking for sex. And guess what? She complained.
This is my main problem with girls. I love women. I hate girls. And this is just like my ex, they want attention, and when they get it, it's not the kind they wanted. They put themselves out there like a slut, and when they become recognized as one, they complain. "This isn't what i wanted!" Oh shut up... You fucked 10 guys within 2 years in high school, and blew a double digit number, and you wonder why people view you in that way? You know Kim once told me that her favorite parties were ones where people from different high schools got together? Of course, cause the guys will hit on her and not know that she's easy, but that she puts out.
Enough about my ex, she's not why i'm writing this. Butthole girl didn't act like Kim. Instead, she completely put it out there that she's a slut. On her tumblr people asked her question, several people asked, "When are we gonna fuck?" and she'd come back with, "As soon as you show your face anon." If you don't know, on tumblr you can make yourself anonymous so the person doesn't know who you are. And she didn't care, she'd literally have sex with anyone.
As i'm writing this, i'm realizing how severely inappropriate this post is becoming, and worse, i send this blog to potential employers, i do want to be a writer after all. I really need tofind more family-friendly topics...
So as with every post, why am i writing about this? I haven't reached a point yet. Well here it is.
This post isn't about sluts. It isn't about whores, it isn't about my ex, or sex at all. It's about the epiphany i had going through isanyoneup.com.
I went through that site, laughed at every slut, every whore, and said, "Well, they shouldn't have done it if they didn't want it up there." And i was so into the idea of finding Kim on the site, that i literally went searching by cities. Couldn't find her, but it didn't matter. I kept laughing, i kept having a great time. Then i texted my Samwise about it. I also went through facebook and found that Kim had left him stuff on his wall. They are still good friends. So i proceeded to ask if he had sex with her yet. Then I told him that with the right approach, he could, that she was so easy he didn't even really have to try. My words were, "Just give her a little bit of attention, guarantee she'll take her clothes off."
...I read that out loud to myself. I heard every word accentuated by my voice. I heard my voice saying that sentence... I awoke, and realized that i sounded just like my father, like another friend of mine... Like a douche.
I always complain that my dad claims to be such a nice guy and says the things he says. Done the things he's done. A friend of mine use to talk like that too, i remember i hugged a girl who reminded me a lot of Kim and he said, "You probably got her wet right there." I was... becoming cynical and disgusting about women. I became the man that i claimed to hate in Junior high. What happened to me?
I'm not going on that site again. It's a funny site don't get me wrong, but it's making me hate people more. And a website that produces hate, isn't somewhere i should be going. Don't get me wrong now, i'm not saying they are hateful! I'm just... a picky guy. I like being a nice guy, i like thinking innocent, i like looking at a girl and not thinking about sex. I like wanting to date a girl, with sex out of the picture. I went on that site to ruin my innocence, to make me know how to handle myself when i came across a girl like that. I do now, but i don't need to know anymore. I need to be myself, and i'm better than that.
Moral of this story: There really isn't any. In the end, i still hate girls, still love women, and i'm as gullible and foolish as ever. I greatly admire a man by the name of Charles Bukowski. And the way he talked.. he wrote poems like he didn't give a fuck who read them. He cursed, he called women bitches, and whores, and sluts. He talked about drugs and alcohol. One of my favorite poems by him is, "The Best Love Poem I Can Write At the Moment." The reason being that it's so inappropriate, but at the end... it all comes together. It's... almost angelic. It's like he said the worst possible things, and then he used that, to explain the best possible thing. It's hard to explain, but read the poem, and you'll know what i mean.
So maybe this is a story i shouldn't have gone into, maybe i shouldn't be talking about a website that exploits women in a pornographic way, and go into detail about my mindset through it all. But that's my world. Light shine's only in the dark. And my epiphanies come when i least expect them. They make me a better person. I woke up this morning browsing that website, thinking the worst possible things about Kim. I go to sleep tonight, wishing her the best, hoping she keeps off the drugs, hoping that she'll wake up one day and not cheat on her boyfriend.
But i feel i also have to talk about my stance on men and women at the moment. I've achieved a great sense of equality between men and women. It used to be i would stand up for the nice guys, because i was nice guy. Then i would stand up for the women, because i love women. But now, i know it all. I know there's a difference between a girl and a woman. I know there's a difference between a Fool and a nice guy. In this world, Fool's can't be appreciated, and girls are loved.
Please... be the latter.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Zooey's Story
Ok So i think you guys... or whoever reads my blogs, might have a somewhat clear story for Lucy and Kim. They were my biggest problems, and it's hard to let them go. But I never actually told you the story of Zooey. The best way i can describe her character... ever see the show "New Girl"? She is probably EXACTLY like Zooey Deschanel on that show. And i always say how i'm going to marry Zooey, this is just another reason.
So if by some magical reason you wasted enough time to not only read this post but then one where I told you what happened with Zooey, then you know why we aren't friends anymore. I won't have to cover that again. In case you don't want to read it, Zooey is the reason why me and Lucy aren't dating, and why i'll never be with the one i truly love... which is Lucy.
Do I hate Zooey? ...Fuck you. Fuck you for asking that. Simply because I have every reason to hate Zooey! There is no reason why i should feel anything but resent for that girl! But do i hate her? Can i ever say I hate her? Honestly no. I mean i can, but i won't mean it. I hate what she did to me, but her?
No, i'll always love her.
What you have to understand is that we were friends, best friends, for 4 months before i met Lucy. The first day we met we completed each others sentences. Most of her music could be found in the "Juno" soundtrack, because that's what she defined as indie. At the time, when that movie came out, indie just came out. And Indie, was basically blown up by that movie and Ellen
Page. Also contributed to the rise of people like Seth Rogan and Mike Cera. She also loved Zooey Deschanel, that much we had in common. I bought her some food and we talked about sex. Keep in mind, this is the FIRST day we met.
But this is just who we were.
Within 3 days i was over her house carving pumpkins using stencils for characters from Nightmare Before Christmas. I met her brother, her father, her mother, and her dogs. I loved them all. I loved her house, i loved her room. I loved her. She was probably the coolest girl i will ever meet in this world.
Partly because she was just like me.
Our arguments? Did we even have arguments? We couldn't yell at each other! We whispered things that bothered us while looking in the distance. We wanted to make each other happy. Everything i said, everything i did, was a move to impress her. We had silly string can fights, we took a road trip to the city, we went to the movies, we took walks, we explored ruined houses, we told jokes, we stayed up all night drinking and watching Fight Club. She cooked for me, and i cooked for her. Although my greatest friend in the world is Samwise, up until i met Zooey, i couldn't imagine a better time i had with a friend.
Yes we hooked up. We kissed, and a little more. But i'm not talking about that. I'm not going to talk about why we never went out, i'm not going to talk about why i never pushed for it. Because as much as i love this girl, the knife on my back came from a friend, not a girlfriend.
So i'll just skip over the day Lucy left me. It was in December, i was at my mothers house when i called up Zooey first thing in the morning about a concert to our favorite band. It was OUR favorite band, i believe her favorite at the time was MC Chris, and mine was Porcupine Tree. But Flogging Molly was something we shared together. I'll never forget the scream she let out when I told her about it. How excited she was that i had bought her a ticket. And i'll never forget the concert itself, which turned out to be just a fantastic night.
It was after all this that we stopped speaking. I was still in depression over losing Lucy, and Zooey suddenly got her boyfriend.
And so began my misogynist ways. I don't want people to get it twisted! I don't hate Zooey's boyfriend, i wasn't jealous of him. I didn't hate Zooey for going out with him, or spending time with him. I hate her, because i blatantly chose her over Lucy, for "friend code" and I never saw her again after the concert.
Something else followed. My brother had come for the summer. And i love my brother literally more than i love myself. He means the world to me. And i told him all about Zooey and he got very excited. He couldn't wait to meet her.
He left disappointed.
2 months with her boyfriend, and my bro was with me for 3. So 5 months, she couldn't give me a fucking day. 1 day was all i asked! Now a look at her side, she did wind up seeing me. Only for an hour and i had to go to work and my brother had gone out with my dad. She never got to see him. We never had the night like i dreamed, in the kitchen making cookies or whatever, while we had music playing, and just horsing around all 3 of us. Never happened.
And so we fast forward a bit. 2 weeks before my brother has to leave. Me and him are talking, about her no less! When speak of the devil she texts me. She wants to see me and my bro. I'm suddenly excited! Every bad thing i said about her i immediately swallow back! When my brother say's something, i yell at him. I defend her. She asks if we can hang out sunday. I say, "Of course! now you can meet my brother!" Excited she say's, "Yeah! I just got dinner with my boyfriends mom and him at 5 so i have to leave early."
This is where I snap. Let's review my situation. I have girlfriend at the time. I have 2 jobs. I got 4 classes at school. And my brother is visiting. So most of the time, i'm exhausted. I wasn't sure if i worked sunday but i was probably going to make sure. If i went to work, i'd leave at 12, so i'd go home, take a shower, get dressed, wait for her, decide on a place to go, meet her there, spend time there and have to leave before 5. I take long ass showers ok? And when it comes to getting ready i tend to procrastinate by instinct. So by the time we are all ready and seeing each other, it'd be around 2:30, at best. and she has to leave before 5 to get home and get ready. So maybe around 4 she has to leave. It's been 4 months since she saw me, and she's never met my brother, and all she's giving me is ONE and a HALF HOUR.
All my anger flowed at that point, for every girl that took advantage of me, for every stupid decision i ever made. I had an epiphany within 10 seconds and suddenly realized the horrible mistake i made when i chose her over Lucy. I wanted to yell at her. I wanted to argue with her. I wanted to run to her house till the blood was drained from my body, i wanted to bang on her door and throw the birthday card she made me and ask for every minute of time wasted with her back. This was my chance to finally let it all out, and close a relationship which i suddenly regretted with all of my soul.
"I'm sorry Zooey, i promised my brother i'd spend time with him alone before he goes."
She didn't understand what i was doing, and she didn't even bother to ask if she could join, like i predicted. Now before you judge me for letting her off so easy, what you have to understand is i loved her. What's worse is she was my Kryptonite. I could spend 2 years mad at her, but once she looks at me, i'm weak. I can't argue with her. She's the type of girl that you'd always feel like you were wrong. She's always right.
But that was the last time i tried talking to her, and her last attempt to saving our friendship.
After a total of 8 months, we met at a costume place where she promised to talk to me. I covered what happened with that in my story of lost love.
So I mention her every now and then, and whenever somebody asks, i tell them the story, hopefully they get some enlightenment from it. I hear things like, "Yo i would've smacked that bitch," "How were you even friends with her?" and, "I know you fuckin hate her right?"
And i always look at them with a weirded face and say, "...No, i don't." To this day, i will always wish her the best. Her boyfriend to my knowledge was a decent guy. Sure 8 years older or something, but still good. And i know she has fun with him, they balance each other out cause she's everything he isn't. She's happy, and if she could've left me in anyway, i'm glad it's like that.
I don't think she's aware i deleted her off of facebook, she hasn't tried once to contact me, and she had many different ways to. I could blame her for everything. But in the end, whats that going to do? I'm just going to be left with hate, and i don't want that. I loved her, for what she was. And i'll always remember the good times. I don't think i will ever have that much fun with a friend again, but i really don't need to. I got better friends. I'm better off without her.
I don't know how she's doing now, how her family is, if she's still with her boyfriend, or if she even remembers me. But i do know this. She helped me a lot when i was going crazy, and encouraged my imaginative growth. I never had that before, and for that i'm thankful. There's no reason to hate anybody or anything in this world to me. My hate list is 2 people long, and i'm determined to keep it that way. Every night or so, i'll look up at the sky. I'll sing a song by the Eels and dedicate it to Lucy. After that i think about the wrong that Zooey did to me, and i'll smile and hope that she's ok. Am i crazy? Yes. But, as Charles Bukowski once said:
"Some people never go crazy, what truly horrible lives they must lead."
P.S. If Zooey ever came to me on Facebook and finally apologize, and finally ask if we can hang out, your damn right i'm going to tell her to fuck off! Maybe a nice way, but Fuck off no less!
So if by some magical reason you wasted enough time to not only read this post but then one where I told you what happened with Zooey, then you know why we aren't friends anymore. I won't have to cover that again. In case you don't want to read it, Zooey is the reason why me and Lucy aren't dating, and why i'll never be with the one i truly love... which is Lucy.
Do I hate Zooey? ...Fuck you. Fuck you for asking that. Simply because I have every reason to hate Zooey! There is no reason why i should feel anything but resent for that girl! But do i hate her? Can i ever say I hate her? Honestly no. I mean i can, but i won't mean it. I hate what she did to me, but her?
No, i'll always love her.
What you have to understand is that we were friends, best friends, for 4 months before i met Lucy. The first day we met we completed each others sentences. Most of her music could be found in the "Juno" soundtrack, because that's what she defined as indie. At the time, when that movie came out, indie just came out. And Indie, was basically blown up by that movie and Ellen
Page. Also contributed to the rise of people like Seth Rogan and Mike Cera. She also loved Zooey Deschanel, that much we had in common. I bought her some food and we talked about sex. Keep in mind, this is the FIRST day we met.
But this is just who we were.
Within 3 days i was over her house carving pumpkins using stencils for characters from Nightmare Before Christmas. I met her brother, her father, her mother, and her dogs. I loved them all. I loved her house, i loved her room. I loved her. She was probably the coolest girl i will ever meet in this world.
Partly because she was just like me.
Our arguments? Did we even have arguments? We couldn't yell at each other! We whispered things that bothered us while looking in the distance. We wanted to make each other happy. Everything i said, everything i did, was a move to impress her. We had silly string can fights, we took a road trip to the city, we went to the movies, we took walks, we explored ruined houses, we told jokes, we stayed up all night drinking and watching Fight Club. She cooked for me, and i cooked for her. Although my greatest friend in the world is Samwise, up until i met Zooey, i couldn't imagine a better time i had with a friend.
Yes we hooked up. We kissed, and a little more. But i'm not talking about that. I'm not going to talk about why we never went out, i'm not going to talk about why i never pushed for it. Because as much as i love this girl, the knife on my back came from a friend, not a girlfriend.
So i'll just skip over the day Lucy left me. It was in December, i was at my mothers house when i called up Zooey first thing in the morning about a concert to our favorite band. It was OUR favorite band, i believe her favorite at the time was MC Chris, and mine was Porcupine Tree. But Flogging Molly was something we shared together. I'll never forget the scream she let out when I told her about it. How excited she was that i had bought her a ticket. And i'll never forget the concert itself, which turned out to be just a fantastic night.
It was after all this that we stopped speaking. I was still in depression over losing Lucy, and Zooey suddenly got her boyfriend.
And so began my misogynist ways. I don't want people to get it twisted! I don't hate Zooey's boyfriend, i wasn't jealous of him. I didn't hate Zooey for going out with him, or spending time with him. I hate her, because i blatantly chose her over Lucy, for "friend code" and I never saw her again after the concert.
Something else followed. My brother had come for the summer. And i love my brother literally more than i love myself. He means the world to me. And i told him all about Zooey and he got very excited. He couldn't wait to meet her.
He left disappointed.
2 months with her boyfriend, and my bro was with me for 3. So 5 months, she couldn't give me a fucking day. 1 day was all i asked! Now a look at her side, she did wind up seeing me. Only for an hour and i had to go to work and my brother had gone out with my dad. She never got to see him. We never had the night like i dreamed, in the kitchen making cookies or whatever, while we had music playing, and just horsing around all 3 of us. Never happened.
And so we fast forward a bit. 2 weeks before my brother has to leave. Me and him are talking, about her no less! When speak of the devil she texts me. She wants to see me and my bro. I'm suddenly excited! Every bad thing i said about her i immediately swallow back! When my brother say's something, i yell at him. I defend her. She asks if we can hang out sunday. I say, "Of course! now you can meet my brother!" Excited she say's, "Yeah! I just got dinner with my boyfriends mom and him at 5 so i have to leave early."
This is where I snap. Let's review my situation. I have girlfriend at the time. I have 2 jobs. I got 4 classes at school. And my brother is visiting. So most of the time, i'm exhausted. I wasn't sure if i worked sunday but i was probably going to make sure. If i went to work, i'd leave at 12, so i'd go home, take a shower, get dressed, wait for her, decide on a place to go, meet her there, spend time there and have to leave before 5. I take long ass showers ok? And when it comes to getting ready i tend to procrastinate by instinct. So by the time we are all ready and seeing each other, it'd be around 2:30, at best. and she has to leave before 5 to get home and get ready. So maybe around 4 she has to leave. It's been 4 months since she saw me, and she's never met my brother, and all she's giving me is ONE and a HALF HOUR.
All my anger flowed at that point, for every girl that took advantage of me, for every stupid decision i ever made. I had an epiphany within 10 seconds and suddenly realized the horrible mistake i made when i chose her over Lucy. I wanted to yell at her. I wanted to argue with her. I wanted to run to her house till the blood was drained from my body, i wanted to bang on her door and throw the birthday card she made me and ask for every minute of time wasted with her back. This was my chance to finally let it all out, and close a relationship which i suddenly regretted with all of my soul.
"I'm sorry Zooey, i promised my brother i'd spend time with him alone before he goes."
She didn't understand what i was doing, and she didn't even bother to ask if she could join, like i predicted. Now before you judge me for letting her off so easy, what you have to understand is i loved her. What's worse is she was my Kryptonite. I could spend 2 years mad at her, but once she looks at me, i'm weak. I can't argue with her. She's the type of girl that you'd always feel like you were wrong. She's always right.
But that was the last time i tried talking to her, and her last attempt to saving our friendship.
After a total of 8 months, we met at a costume place where she promised to talk to me. I covered what happened with that in my story of lost love.
So I mention her every now and then, and whenever somebody asks, i tell them the story, hopefully they get some enlightenment from it. I hear things like, "Yo i would've smacked that bitch," "How were you even friends with her?" and, "I know you fuckin hate her right?"
And i always look at them with a weirded face and say, "...No, i don't." To this day, i will always wish her the best. Her boyfriend to my knowledge was a decent guy. Sure 8 years older or something, but still good. And i know she has fun with him, they balance each other out cause she's everything he isn't. She's happy, and if she could've left me in anyway, i'm glad it's like that.
I don't think she's aware i deleted her off of facebook, she hasn't tried once to contact me, and she had many different ways to. I could blame her for everything. But in the end, whats that going to do? I'm just going to be left with hate, and i don't want that. I loved her, for what she was. And i'll always remember the good times. I don't think i will ever have that much fun with a friend again, but i really don't need to. I got better friends. I'm better off without her.
I don't know how she's doing now, how her family is, if she's still with her boyfriend, or if she even remembers me. But i do know this. She helped me a lot when i was going crazy, and encouraged my imaginative growth. I never had that before, and for that i'm thankful. There's no reason to hate anybody or anything in this world to me. My hate list is 2 people long, and i'm determined to keep it that way. Every night or so, i'll look up at the sky. I'll sing a song by the Eels and dedicate it to Lucy. After that i think about the wrong that Zooey did to me, and i'll smile and hope that she's ok. Am i crazy? Yes. But, as Charles Bukowski once said:
"Some people never go crazy, what truly horrible lives they must lead."
P.S. If Zooey ever came to me on Facebook and finally apologize, and finally ask if we can hang out, your damn right i'm going to tell her to fuck off! Maybe a nice way, but Fuck off no less!
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Self Ethics
You can either be one or the other right? Selfish or unselfish? It's tough sometimes to tell difference. Sometimes its just completely impossible.
We'll start off easy. Stealing is selfish. Stealing from the rich and giving to the poor is unselfish. Giving to the poor is unselfish. Giving to the poor so you look good is selfish. But that last one, at least your helping somebody. Some people don't take that into consideration. So i will justify selfishness, and wrong out unselfishness.
Have you ever hung out with someone, and you ask, "What do you wanna do?" what's the other person say? "I dunno... what do you wanna do?" "Where do you wanna go?" "Wherever you wanna go..." Doesn't that frustrate you? I know it frustrates the hell outta me. So now i've learned to force it. Yeah it's selfish at times, like I told someone to come to me to Manihani (Manhattan) and they went, "I don't feel like going there..." When i asked where else they wanted to go, they said, "uh... I dunno..." then i straight up told him, "Alright, you do that, I'm going to Manhattan." And i wound up going, alone. Yeah that sucked, but you know what? I had fun. I had a lot of fun. I just asked the wrong person to go with me. I'm just saying that sometimes, people mistake selfish with just knowing what you want. That mistake can cost some likeness points.
Now on the other hand, arguing with someone where you wanna go or what you want to do, is pushing it too far. That's selfish. I have another friend, some people have a problem with him. It's either his way or the highway. Actually, it's more like... if you don't do things his way, he's not joining. That's slightly exaggerated. I love the guy, because he makes plans. He knows what he wants to do. And that makes it easier on me, cause i don't have to make plans. I just follow him.
So we got that cleared, no where do relationships come in? This is where things get reeeeally tricky. I know because i've fucked up horrible with it before. Let's go back quite a ways to the love of my life, Lucy. All i ever said to her was, "The last thing i want to do is hurt you." And yes. I truly meant that. I never wanted to hurt her. So when Zooey came into the picture, i selfishly chose her over Lucy. Why? Cause in my eyes, i never deserved Lucy. I didn't do a damn thing in my life to deserve girl as great as Lucy. No matter how much of a nice guy i was, in the end i was an idiot. An incompetent, immature, naive fool. And Lucy deserved much better than that. A man who could support her, make her happy, give her everything she ever wanted. So my decision, in my eyes, was unselfish. So this is where I not only crossed the line, but i crossed it and shat on it, because you can see it better than I can from your point of view. Trying to be unselfish, i actually made the most selfish move. I should've been selfish. I should've looked out for number 1, me. Cause if did, I would've chose Lucy. Instead i looked at the ethics, the rules, my morals, loyalty. And I chose my best friend, because that's the way it would work right? Sometimes, just because you followed the rules, is exactly why you lose the game. Sometimes, you have to think outside the box.
Sometimes... in order to make the unselfish decision... you have to be selfish.
Now, i'm not saying this works for everything. But there is a famous criminal theorist who knew the secret to a perfectly working economy. I forget who it was, but he knew that if everyone in the world worked selfishly, worked just to make money to provide for their family, our economy would thrive. Honestly, if you based an economy on unselfishness, it'd be weak. It would crumble.
What i want you to take away from all this, is that you have to be selfish at times in order to be unselfish. And it works vice-versa. To every nice guy out there, be selfish! And to every asshole who tries to get his way, have a heart you dick. If we all fight what our sense of right and wrong tells us to do, we could lead a healthy life. Sometimes, to do the most good, you have to dwell in the darkest corners.
If you really want to lead a better life... You can meet me in purgatory.
We'll start off easy. Stealing is selfish. Stealing from the rich and giving to the poor is unselfish. Giving to the poor is unselfish. Giving to the poor so you look good is selfish. But that last one, at least your helping somebody. Some people don't take that into consideration. So i will justify selfishness, and wrong out unselfishness.
Have you ever hung out with someone, and you ask, "What do you wanna do?" what's the other person say? "I dunno... what do you wanna do?" "Where do you wanna go?" "Wherever you wanna go..." Doesn't that frustrate you? I know it frustrates the hell outta me. So now i've learned to force it. Yeah it's selfish at times, like I told someone to come to me to Manihani (Manhattan) and they went, "I don't feel like going there..." When i asked where else they wanted to go, they said, "uh... I dunno..." then i straight up told him, "Alright, you do that, I'm going to Manhattan." And i wound up going, alone. Yeah that sucked, but you know what? I had fun. I had a lot of fun. I just asked the wrong person to go with me. I'm just saying that sometimes, people mistake selfish with just knowing what you want. That mistake can cost some likeness points.
Now on the other hand, arguing with someone where you wanna go or what you want to do, is pushing it too far. That's selfish. I have another friend, some people have a problem with him. It's either his way or the highway. Actually, it's more like... if you don't do things his way, he's not joining. That's slightly exaggerated. I love the guy, because he makes plans. He knows what he wants to do. And that makes it easier on me, cause i don't have to make plans. I just follow him.
So we got that cleared, no where do relationships come in? This is where things get reeeeally tricky. I know because i've fucked up horrible with it before. Let's go back quite a ways to the love of my life, Lucy. All i ever said to her was, "The last thing i want to do is hurt you." And yes. I truly meant that. I never wanted to hurt her. So when Zooey came into the picture, i selfishly chose her over Lucy. Why? Cause in my eyes, i never deserved Lucy. I didn't do a damn thing in my life to deserve girl as great as Lucy. No matter how much of a nice guy i was, in the end i was an idiot. An incompetent, immature, naive fool. And Lucy deserved much better than that. A man who could support her, make her happy, give her everything she ever wanted. So my decision, in my eyes, was unselfish. So this is where I not only crossed the line, but i crossed it and shat on it, because you can see it better than I can from your point of view. Trying to be unselfish, i actually made the most selfish move. I should've been selfish. I should've looked out for number 1, me. Cause if did, I would've chose Lucy. Instead i looked at the ethics, the rules, my morals, loyalty. And I chose my best friend, because that's the way it would work right? Sometimes, just because you followed the rules, is exactly why you lose the game. Sometimes, you have to think outside the box.
Sometimes... in order to make the unselfish decision... you have to be selfish.
Now, i'm not saying this works for everything. But there is a famous criminal theorist who knew the secret to a perfectly working economy. I forget who it was, but he knew that if everyone in the world worked selfishly, worked just to make money to provide for their family, our economy would thrive. Honestly, if you based an economy on unselfishness, it'd be weak. It would crumble.
What i want you to take away from all this, is that you have to be selfish at times in order to be unselfish. And it works vice-versa. To every nice guy out there, be selfish! And to every asshole who tries to get his way, have a heart you dick. If we all fight what our sense of right and wrong tells us to do, we could lead a healthy life. Sometimes, to do the most good, you have to dwell in the darkest corners.
If you really want to lead a better life... You can meet me in purgatory.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Sluts
Now i posted a status update on my facebook. No i'm not giving my name or even my status. all i have to say is... it was about sluts. Now i don't have many friends, actually right now i have exactly 100. Which is a feat to me. I actually went down 2 friends. On a tangent, can i say that facebook should have a feature where you can see who defriended you?! I don't care, i'm just really curious!
Anyways back on point... the status i put up was actually liked by 2 people who i never talk to. 1 of them was a "friend"? I guess? of my ex. Kim. the bitch. And the other was liked by a girl i always thought was ugly and is friends with a guy who loves sluts. I don't THINK she is one, but she puts on that... front. You know the type of girl... bitchy and shows off that she is a bitch, loves people like... Jenna Marbles and watches shows like Jersey Shore. Friends with players and talks about sex and bitches and sluts. whatever..
Point is, i never talk to them two. I have never tried, nor have i ever wanted to. The first one i think hates my ex, which i don't care about one way or another. But that status might get back to my ex, in which case i might have some drama on my hands. It wasn't meant for her, i wrote that after watching a video where a guy's best friend was a slut and she said, "My pant's aren't fort knox, it's not a big deal..." I laughed my ass off at that.
Point is we need to clarify what a slut is exactly. And be sure you know a girl before you call her anything. Case in point. Back to kim, she once called herself, "the sluttiest slut of them all". She wore that title PROUDLY. Whoa, isn't that... a bad title? No. Not if it's true. It's just fact right? Wrong. This is where it gets complicated, so you might want to pay attention to this cause it's funny, and it's fucked.
By definition, my ex was a whore. Urbandictionary it, that is what she was. But she said she was a slut. Me being the OCD whatever i am... we'll go with idiot. So me being the idiot i am, i correct her. "Your not a slut... your a whore!" She doesn't take kindly to that... We get into an argument. She argues that she isn't a whore... but she is. She say's slut, i say whore, whats the difference exactly?
So for those who don't understand it on Urban dictionary, i'll explain it here. A slut is a girl...or guy, who has sex for fun. A whore is a girl... or guy, who has sex in exchange for something. Usually a whore is an excessive word for slut, the reason for this is people who are THAT bad are looked at and talked about like, "Geez, they must be doing it for SOMETHING." So i backtracked. i told her i was sorry, and she wasn't a whore... i lied... but i said it!
Anyways i took this time to study this phenomena. After having sex with her i realized something... She was the biggest whore i know. That is just the truth! She's damn near just hooking! Again, disclaimer... I'm not trying to insult her. I just like having things straight. Now if you read my post on the first time i had sex, you'd know how bad this girl was. To add to that, she would act as if sex was a job. She'd do this by only trying to make me cum, or just rejecting me and playing the Sims over me. This girl was supposed to be a huge slut, yet i didn't feel like we had that much sex. I thought it'd be sex all the time, but no. For as much time as we had, we spent more time doing of the shit. She just wanted to get me off, that's all sex was to her.
So i got home confirmed in my belief that she was a whore. A slut would've had sex regardless of the circumstance, just cause it was fun for her. Kim acted like it was troublesome. But why did she get so mad when i called her what she actually was? It's cause she knew that's what she actually was. It's important to make it clear this girl was in high school, she did drugs, she wanted a normal life like any other teen in this world. That means, sex. Sex is a normal thing teens do. It's basically a rite of passage. She was just introduced to it a different way. She knows it as a means to get attention. Therefore, she is an attention whore. It sucks but that's the way it is. She hates that she's a whore, that's why she got mad at me. She was ok with slut, because guys love sluts! When you go to high school, and you go to college, the hottest girls are sluts! That's like the hottest guys being douches. It just is, so her being a slut, in her mind, was equal to her being hot. It was a self esteem booster. But being a whore, ugly girls are whores. Whore, is an ugly word. Slut, is a dirty word. Slut is kinky. Whore is troublesome.
Where am i going with this? I have no clue. I just thought a point needed to be made. The world loves sluts, and whores are... not loved as much. For that reason i have a feeling my ex isn't going to be to happy with herself in the future. I mean i wish nothing bad on her, sure she hurt me and cheated on me, and wanted to keep using me... but thats all in the past. I'm a better person because of her... Like my mother! I hope Kim does well, i'm just sayin... she keeps going down the road she is going... she's not going to be happy, or well liked. But maybe i just think about things way too much...
Anyways back on point... the status i put up was actually liked by 2 people who i never talk to. 1 of them was a "friend"? I guess? of my ex. Kim. the bitch. And the other was liked by a girl i always thought was ugly and is friends with a guy who loves sluts. I don't THINK she is one, but she puts on that... front. You know the type of girl... bitchy and shows off that she is a bitch, loves people like... Jenna Marbles and watches shows like Jersey Shore. Friends with players and talks about sex and bitches and sluts. whatever..
Point is, i never talk to them two. I have never tried, nor have i ever wanted to. The first one i think hates my ex, which i don't care about one way or another. But that status might get back to my ex, in which case i might have some drama on my hands. It wasn't meant for her, i wrote that after watching a video where a guy's best friend was a slut and she said, "My pant's aren't fort knox, it's not a big deal..." I laughed my ass off at that.
Point is we need to clarify what a slut is exactly. And be sure you know a girl before you call her anything. Case in point. Back to kim, she once called herself, "the sluttiest slut of them all". She wore that title PROUDLY. Whoa, isn't that... a bad title? No. Not if it's true. It's just fact right? Wrong. This is where it gets complicated, so you might want to pay attention to this cause it's funny, and it's fucked.
By definition, my ex was a whore. Urbandictionary it, that is what she was. But she said she was a slut. Me being the OCD whatever i am... we'll go with idiot. So me being the idiot i am, i correct her. "Your not a slut... your a whore!" She doesn't take kindly to that... We get into an argument. She argues that she isn't a whore... but she is. She say's slut, i say whore, whats the difference exactly?
So for those who don't understand it on Urban dictionary, i'll explain it here. A slut is a girl...or guy, who has sex for fun. A whore is a girl... or guy, who has sex in exchange for something. Usually a whore is an excessive word for slut, the reason for this is people who are THAT bad are looked at and talked about like, "Geez, they must be doing it for SOMETHING." So i backtracked. i told her i was sorry, and she wasn't a whore... i lied... but i said it!
Anyways i took this time to study this phenomena. After having sex with her i realized something... She was the biggest whore i know. That is just the truth! She's damn near just hooking! Again, disclaimer... I'm not trying to insult her. I just like having things straight. Now if you read my post on the first time i had sex, you'd know how bad this girl was. To add to that, she would act as if sex was a job. She'd do this by only trying to make me cum, or just rejecting me and playing the Sims over me. This girl was supposed to be a huge slut, yet i didn't feel like we had that much sex. I thought it'd be sex all the time, but no. For as much time as we had, we spent more time doing of the shit. She just wanted to get me off, that's all sex was to her.
So i got home confirmed in my belief that she was a whore. A slut would've had sex regardless of the circumstance, just cause it was fun for her. Kim acted like it was troublesome. But why did she get so mad when i called her what she actually was? It's cause she knew that's what she actually was. It's important to make it clear this girl was in high school, she did drugs, she wanted a normal life like any other teen in this world. That means, sex. Sex is a normal thing teens do. It's basically a rite of passage. She was just introduced to it a different way. She knows it as a means to get attention. Therefore, she is an attention whore. It sucks but that's the way it is. She hates that she's a whore, that's why she got mad at me. She was ok with slut, because guys love sluts! When you go to high school, and you go to college, the hottest girls are sluts! That's like the hottest guys being douches. It just is, so her being a slut, in her mind, was equal to her being hot. It was a self esteem booster. But being a whore, ugly girls are whores. Whore, is an ugly word. Slut, is a dirty word. Slut is kinky. Whore is troublesome.
Where am i going with this? I have no clue. I just thought a point needed to be made. The world loves sluts, and whores are... not loved as much. For that reason i have a feeling my ex isn't going to be to happy with herself in the future. I mean i wish nothing bad on her, sure she hurt me and cheated on me, and wanted to keep using me... but thats all in the past. I'm a better person because of her... Like my mother! I hope Kim does well, i'm just sayin... she keeps going down the road she is going... she's not going to be happy, or well liked. But maybe i just think about things way too much...
Super
I said i was gonna do a movie review, i don't care if it's late! i'm gonna do it!
I was gonna do one of my favorite movies, but i just saw the movie Super, so i thought it'd be appropriate.
The movie Super, The plot is basically Kick-ass. Well that's what everybody compares it to, and that's initially what drove me to watch it. But Ellen Page in tights sealed the deal for me. Anyways upon further examination it is completely different then Kick-ass. Whereas Kick-ass was about ordinary kids becoming superheroes, Super was about a man on a self improvement journey...of sorts. Rainn Wilson stars as the main character Frank, who falls in love with Liv Tyler who is a recovering alkie. She starts to dabble in pot after they get married and goes onto the harder stuff. She leaves Frank for a major drug dealer and Frank wants to get her back. That's basic premise. And you think, oh ok, so he becomes a superhero, gets a sidekick, fails at first then comes in guns blazing and gets the girl and saves the city from a larger conspiracy. That is usually the plotline for these movies. But it's a much deeper movie than that.
What made me cringe a bit, is that Frank becomes a hero upon hearing a higher calling from God. Not destiny, but God, as in...well God. He see's a show on T.V. about a superhero called Christman or...somethin.... And he gets touched by God and believes God chose him to fight for justice. He's horrible at it. But as you watch the movie it's... very dark and brutal. You actually feel for the criminals. Some are bad, some are just minor crimes. Once Ellen Page's character joins the mix, it gets worse briefly. And what adds to it is Ellen Page going absolutely nuts over almost killing people! In one scene they She actually almost kills a guy who might have or might not have scratched her friends car. I tell you, the movie is horrible. Not horrible as in it sucks horrible. But horrible as in Million-Dollar Baby horrible. It's brutal, i found myself covering my eyes and cringing a lot. Those most of the things was, "I can't believe he's that stupid, no fucking way!" I didn't cover my eyes through violence. I covered my eyes when he dressed up in a costume and not only hit a man over the head with a wrench for CUTTING IN LINE at a movie theater, but also hitting an innocent girl for trying to stop him. It's the "he's so stupid" parts that make me cringe. I feel embarrassed for him. Also when he almost made it horribly apparent to a cop that he was the Crimson Bolt.
Is it to say the movie is bad? No! Of course not! By all means, it's a very good movie, it's engaging, it's funny, and it's unique with a lot of twists. Frank is absolutely incompetent, and it's to a painful degree, but still it's a very watchable movie. Overall... i'd give it an 8 out of 10. Unbiased of course, i'll give all movies an unbiased score based on how good it is. 8 out of 10 signifies that a lot of people would really enjoy it, and it's something that a lot more people should be into.
Now my score rating may be a bit weird. This time it's average. But I have a lot of favorite movies, and some might be getting low scores. But that's because i have to take in originality and storyline. My next movie might trip you up a bit. See you soon. Since i actually have a topic tonight, i might be posting something else up in like 10 minutes.
I was gonna do one of my favorite movies, but i just saw the movie Super, so i thought it'd be appropriate.
The movie Super, The plot is basically Kick-ass. Well that's what everybody compares it to, and that's initially what drove me to watch it. But Ellen Page in tights sealed the deal for me. Anyways upon further examination it is completely different then Kick-ass. Whereas Kick-ass was about ordinary kids becoming superheroes, Super was about a man on a self improvement journey...of sorts. Rainn Wilson stars as the main character Frank, who falls in love with Liv Tyler who is a recovering alkie. She starts to dabble in pot after they get married and goes onto the harder stuff. She leaves Frank for a major drug dealer and Frank wants to get her back. That's basic premise. And you think, oh ok, so he becomes a superhero, gets a sidekick, fails at first then comes in guns blazing and gets the girl and saves the city from a larger conspiracy. That is usually the plotline for these movies. But it's a much deeper movie than that.
What made me cringe a bit, is that Frank becomes a hero upon hearing a higher calling from God. Not destiny, but God, as in...well God. He see's a show on T.V. about a superhero called Christman or...somethin.... And he gets touched by God and believes God chose him to fight for justice. He's horrible at it. But as you watch the movie it's... very dark and brutal. You actually feel for the criminals. Some are bad, some are just minor crimes. Once Ellen Page's character joins the mix, it gets worse briefly. And what adds to it is Ellen Page going absolutely nuts over almost killing people! In one scene they She actually almost kills a guy who might have or might not have scratched her friends car. I tell you, the movie is horrible. Not horrible as in it sucks horrible. But horrible as in Million-Dollar Baby horrible. It's brutal, i found myself covering my eyes and cringing a lot. Those most of the things was, "I can't believe he's that stupid, no fucking way!" I didn't cover my eyes through violence. I covered my eyes when he dressed up in a costume and not only hit a man over the head with a wrench for CUTTING IN LINE at a movie theater, but also hitting an innocent girl for trying to stop him. It's the "he's so stupid" parts that make me cringe. I feel embarrassed for him. Also when he almost made it horribly apparent to a cop that he was the Crimson Bolt.
Is it to say the movie is bad? No! Of course not! By all means, it's a very good movie, it's engaging, it's funny, and it's unique with a lot of twists. Frank is absolutely incompetent, and it's to a painful degree, but still it's a very watchable movie. Overall... i'd give it an 8 out of 10. Unbiased of course, i'll give all movies an unbiased score based on how good it is. 8 out of 10 signifies that a lot of people would really enjoy it, and it's something that a lot more people should be into.
Now my score rating may be a bit weird. This time it's average. But I have a lot of favorite movies, and some might be getting low scores. But that's because i have to take in originality and storyline. My next movie might trip you up a bit. See you soon. Since i actually have a topic tonight, i might be posting something else up in like 10 minutes.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Nice Guys: The Asshole Paradox
Well i've been busy lately. Been trying my best to get into college and job-hunting. Plus i got a girl i think i can get. So if i didn't post for a while, please forgive me... i was thinking of you, i promise.
Anyways i thought it'd be cool if we picked up where i left off last time. Talking about nice guys. (The movie review will come don't worry.)
For most of my life i considered myself a hardcore nice guy. I've tried not to stare at a woman's ass, i tried to look a girl in the eyes when her boobs were bouncing in my face, i will always compliment a girl no matter how stupid i sound, and i'm straightforward and honest. Back then, in my naive eyes women can do us no wrong and men were the pigs. Which was half true. Not all men are pigs, but women... oh can they do us wrong...
But we're not talking about women... today. We're going to talk about what's wrong with men. What's wrong with nice men. How come there are no more nice guys? It's the woman's fault. That's right. Inadvertently though.
Let's make one point clear. This is a message to all the nice guys out there. WOMEN ARE NOT ATTRACTED TO ASSHOLES! That is a HUGE misconception that i'm going to right today. Women are attracted to confident men. And i know what your thinking, "Whoa, i'm confident and i still don't get girls..." Nice guys have that weakness. They associate confidence with self-esteem. It's not the same thing. Yes, esteem has to do with it, but a guy with low self-esteem can still be confident. Nice guys tend to be a shy bunch, i know, i'm one of them. And they're reluctant to start conversation with any girl in fear of rejection. Or they put themselves down by saying, "She's too good for me." You got to get it out of your head that she's too good for you. Too good doesn't exist. Any guy can get any girl. Haven't you ever walked down the street and thought, "How did HE get HER?"
Now listen up nice guys, i'm going to tell you right now a secret that apparently none of you know. Something very important that may very well change what girl you can get. Here it is: Girls are just like you. They are waiting for you to make a move. That's it. The problem with the nice guy is that he thinks because he's nice, all the girls are going to want him. For all you know, this is true. But they aren't going to make the first move, nor should they! If you want a girl, go get her. Because she might be waiting for you. Girls love nice guys, but nice guys never ask them out.
This is where the misconception comes in. You see the world is full of nice guys. So a girl may feel... ugly or unwanted cause none of them are asking her out. In comes the asshole, who asks her out. With confidence. Asshole's are confident men, but not all confident men are assholes. Picture this, a girl comes up to you. She says, "You know... your really cute. Would you like to go out sometime?" Are you gonna say no? I sure as hell wouldn't. It's the same thing for girls. They're waiting for a guy to have the balls to say somethin like that. If an asshole does it, she'll go for it. No one else wants her. And that's your fault nice guys.
But then, the nice guy see's the girls only date assholes. Therefore, they want to be one. Simply because they think that's what a girl wants. We go full circle. Guy wants girl, too shy to act, asshole wants girl, bein an asshole he acts, girl feels wanted, goes with asshole, guy loses girl, guy becomes asshole. This, is the asshole paradox. The girls cause the guys to become assholes, but the guys brought it on themselves. It's a paradox that's created from indifference.
So who do we blame, the chicken or the egg? Honestly we can't really blame anybody, except ignorance. And really, if people knew it wouldn't make a difference anyway. I've had many guys tell me, "the worse they can do is say no." And there's truth to that. But being the paranoid guy i was, i thought they'd tell other girls and ruin my chances with them. I'm sure i'm not the only one to think that. But don't worry, if other girls know it can work in YOUR favor. One of those girls might like you, and get jealous. They'll make it known, and you'll get closer to them than the other girl. Now if your convinced your in love with the other girl... that's a whole different topic.
Anyways i thought it'd be cool if we picked up where i left off last time. Talking about nice guys. (The movie review will come don't worry.)
For most of my life i considered myself a hardcore nice guy. I've tried not to stare at a woman's ass, i tried to look a girl in the eyes when her boobs were bouncing in my face, i will always compliment a girl no matter how stupid i sound, and i'm straightforward and honest. Back then, in my naive eyes women can do us no wrong and men were the pigs. Which was half true. Not all men are pigs, but women... oh can they do us wrong...
But we're not talking about women... today. We're going to talk about what's wrong with men. What's wrong with nice men. How come there are no more nice guys? It's the woman's fault. That's right. Inadvertently though.
Let's make one point clear. This is a message to all the nice guys out there. WOMEN ARE NOT ATTRACTED TO ASSHOLES! That is a HUGE misconception that i'm going to right today. Women are attracted to confident men. And i know what your thinking, "Whoa, i'm confident and i still don't get girls..." Nice guys have that weakness. They associate confidence with self-esteem. It's not the same thing. Yes, esteem has to do with it, but a guy with low self-esteem can still be confident. Nice guys tend to be a shy bunch, i know, i'm one of them. And they're reluctant to start conversation with any girl in fear of rejection. Or they put themselves down by saying, "She's too good for me." You got to get it out of your head that she's too good for you. Too good doesn't exist. Any guy can get any girl. Haven't you ever walked down the street and thought, "How did HE get HER?"
Now listen up nice guys, i'm going to tell you right now a secret that apparently none of you know. Something very important that may very well change what girl you can get. Here it is: Girls are just like you. They are waiting for you to make a move. That's it. The problem with the nice guy is that he thinks because he's nice, all the girls are going to want him. For all you know, this is true. But they aren't going to make the first move, nor should they! If you want a girl, go get her. Because she might be waiting for you. Girls love nice guys, but nice guys never ask them out.
This is where the misconception comes in. You see the world is full of nice guys. So a girl may feel... ugly or unwanted cause none of them are asking her out. In comes the asshole, who asks her out. With confidence. Asshole's are confident men, but not all confident men are assholes. Picture this, a girl comes up to you. She says, "You know... your really cute. Would you like to go out sometime?" Are you gonna say no? I sure as hell wouldn't. It's the same thing for girls. They're waiting for a guy to have the balls to say somethin like that. If an asshole does it, she'll go for it. No one else wants her. And that's your fault nice guys.
But then, the nice guy see's the girls only date assholes. Therefore, they want to be one. Simply because they think that's what a girl wants. We go full circle. Guy wants girl, too shy to act, asshole wants girl, bein an asshole he acts, girl feels wanted, goes with asshole, guy loses girl, guy becomes asshole. This, is the asshole paradox. The girls cause the guys to become assholes, but the guys brought it on themselves. It's a paradox that's created from indifference.
So who do we blame, the chicken or the egg? Honestly we can't really blame anybody, except ignorance. And really, if people knew it wouldn't make a difference anyway. I've had many guys tell me, "the worse they can do is say no." And there's truth to that. But being the paranoid guy i was, i thought they'd tell other girls and ruin my chances with them. I'm sure i'm not the only one to think that. But don't worry, if other girls know it can work in YOUR favor. One of those girls might like you, and get jealous. They'll make it known, and you'll get closer to them than the other girl. Now if your convinced your in love with the other girl... that's a whole different topic.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
My First Time
Keep in mind that while i write this, I am currently listening to "Street Lights" by Kanye West from his 808's and Heartbreak album. if anyone knows that song, you'll know why i'm on a strong romanticism kick.
Anyways i want to discuss my first time. For what reason? I got drunk and forgot to do the movie review so we'll just do it tomorrow if I have time. But a comment on the youtube video for Street Lights got me thinking about my first time. The comment was something along the lines of, "I put my penis in a vagina for the first time 2 years ago to this song." Roughly Paraphrasing.
So yeah my first time. It was with.... well she isn't but i'll consider her my first girlfriend. You might remember, her name was Kim.. I think? Don't feel like looking back. Now Kim was pretty, don't get that twisted. She was a bit thick, but it was nothing too bad. She was still very pretty and very cute. I remember describing her as looking just like Amy Adams, couple of mannerisms and all. Sure she was a whore, but there was more to her than that. She was innocent, cute, she was a good person, and honest and all that stupid shit.
She was long distance, so yeah that was stupid. But that doesn't take away anything. I loved being with her at the time, I was sure i was in love with her. I remember a text she sent her sister said, "Yeah long distance sucks, but i'm sure he's the guy i want to marry." That plucked my heart strings a bit. We finally met up and we hugged and held in any passionfor the sake of my best friend and her mom being around.
...So we got upstairs to her room. She locked the door, and slowly turned around. She gave me that look, like, "I can't believe your actually here." And she walked slowly towards me. I was sitting on her bed. She put one of my knees between her legs, took off my hat and gently ran her hands through my hair, never taking her eyes off me. She kissed me for the first time... and then she got on top of me and we kissed for a little bit. Other things happened but lets get to the nitty gritty.
She took her shorts off, i took my jeans off, i put a condom on. She got on top and started riding me and... Thats it. Now i'm listening to Kanye still, so I'm romantisizing this as much as i can. So now here to tell you what really went down, i'll put on some Tom Waits.
Now this bitch (yes i go through personality changes often) didn't do shit. She blew me, it sucked. She rode me. It sucked. I'm not trying to talk down to her, it's just with the experience she's had, i'd expect her to be good! Now you may be wondering, "How could sex at all be bad?"
In all honesty, it wasn't that bad. It MIGHT have been good. Bearable even. But the blow job lasted all of 4 minutes, and she got tired of doing it. It's my first time, and i was brought under the impression that any guy who lasted shorter than 5 minutes would be teased as having no sexual skill. But i worked it in my favor because i coerced her into having sex. she scoffed, but did it anyway. Condom was too tight, but whatever. She got on top, and rode me a bit. After about 5 minutes she asked, "Are you done yet?" I was like, "....we just got started." Another scoff. Then she started getting more into it. Thats what i'm talking about! I thought. She bent a bit more down, grabbed my shirt, and started saying, "cum for me baby! cum!"
So now i'm under this tremendous pressure. She wants me to and i can't! All i could think was Is this how women feel?! She finally stops and tells me she's tired, and we'll do it again when her moms not in the house. We'd go all out.
To be fair, she did finally make me cum when her mom was gone. but this didn't come till about a week after. we still had sex, but just for her. If you want a scoreboard, here you go: 15 days i had in the state she lived in. 12 days in total i had with her. of those 12 days she wanted to have sex maybe... 8 of those days. Of those 8 days, we had sex on an average 3 times. 2-4 times. Of all those times, you think.. and average of 24 times we had sex. She came every single one of those times. And me? I came... 4. If that number looks weird, i'll spell it out. FOUR. A guy and a girl had a sexual relationship where the girl came 6 TIMES the number the guy came.
So my first time was horrible really. And i really kinda regret it. The only good that came out of it was the fact that Lucy was so amazing, that she blew my mind. Having such low expectations as i did, boosted Lucy. I'm glad for that.
Back to Kanye, and what did i learn from my relationship with Kim? Well... sex with someone you love may not be all that sometimes. Sometimes trust and love isn't everything. Because you never know when you just got a case of the puppy love, or the tragic love. The whole "want what you can't have" thing? I loved Lucy, and it was the sexual chemistry that added to it. When i loved Kim, it was because i had no one else. Lucy... it was everything. We were attracted to each other, are personalities interested each other, our goals were somewhat the same, and the sex... just blew the door wide open. For kim, i was relying on love because you were there.
A little lesson for you people, you can't love someone just cause they're there! You can't expect anyone to love you just cause your there! Don't get me wrong, that's great too! But actions speak louder than words. Speaking the words is what will get you recognized. You have to be sure that love isn't based on anything except them, and thats tough, but believe me when i say you'll know it when you see it. Look out for sincerity, and be sure you see that people do feel for you. Love can blind you, and it can also hinder you. It'll leave you paranoid, but you have to find the right amount. What i'm saying may not make sense. but i hope you can understand what i'm saying enough.
P.S. Kim hooked up with 3 dudes and had sex with one a month after we broke up. She got a new boyfriend, broke up with him cause she's in college, and then got back with him cause she wanted a boyfriend in college. And now she's cheating on him. Be sure you know your girls fools. Nice guys need to learn a little something. We'll talk about that sometime.
Anyways i want to discuss my first time. For what reason? I got drunk and forgot to do the movie review so we'll just do it tomorrow if I have time. But a comment on the youtube video for Street Lights got me thinking about my first time. The comment was something along the lines of, "I put my penis in a vagina for the first time 2 years ago to this song." Roughly Paraphrasing.
So yeah my first time. It was with.... well she isn't but i'll consider her my first girlfriend. You might remember, her name was Kim.. I think? Don't feel like looking back. Now Kim was pretty, don't get that twisted. She was a bit thick, but it was nothing too bad. She was still very pretty and very cute. I remember describing her as looking just like Amy Adams, couple of mannerisms and all. Sure she was a whore, but there was more to her than that. She was innocent, cute, she was a good person, and honest and all that stupid shit.
She was long distance, so yeah that was stupid. But that doesn't take away anything. I loved being with her at the time, I was sure i was in love with her. I remember a text she sent her sister said, "Yeah long distance sucks, but i'm sure he's the guy i want to marry." That plucked my heart strings a bit. We finally met up and we hugged and held in any passionfor the sake of my best friend and her mom being around.
...So we got upstairs to her room. She locked the door, and slowly turned around. She gave me that look, like, "I can't believe your actually here." And she walked slowly towards me. I was sitting on her bed. She put one of my knees between her legs, took off my hat and gently ran her hands through my hair, never taking her eyes off me. She kissed me for the first time... and then she got on top of me and we kissed for a little bit. Other things happened but lets get to the nitty gritty.
She took her shorts off, i took my jeans off, i put a condom on. She got on top and started riding me and... Thats it. Now i'm listening to Kanye still, so I'm romantisizing this as much as i can. So now here to tell you what really went down, i'll put on some Tom Waits.
Now this bitch (yes i go through personality changes often) didn't do shit. She blew me, it sucked. She rode me. It sucked. I'm not trying to talk down to her, it's just with the experience she's had, i'd expect her to be good! Now you may be wondering, "How could sex at all be bad?"
In all honesty, it wasn't that bad. It MIGHT have been good. Bearable even. But the blow job lasted all of 4 minutes, and she got tired of doing it. It's my first time, and i was brought under the impression that any guy who lasted shorter than 5 minutes would be teased as having no sexual skill. But i worked it in my favor because i coerced her into having sex. she scoffed, but did it anyway. Condom was too tight, but whatever. She got on top, and rode me a bit. After about 5 minutes she asked, "Are you done yet?" I was like, "....we just got started." Another scoff. Then she started getting more into it. Thats what i'm talking about! I thought. She bent a bit more down, grabbed my shirt, and started saying, "cum for me baby! cum!"
So now i'm under this tremendous pressure. She wants me to and i can't! All i could think was Is this how women feel?! She finally stops and tells me she's tired, and we'll do it again when her moms not in the house. We'd go all out.
To be fair, she did finally make me cum when her mom was gone. but this didn't come till about a week after. we still had sex, but just for her. If you want a scoreboard, here you go: 15 days i had in the state she lived in. 12 days in total i had with her. of those 12 days she wanted to have sex maybe... 8 of those days. Of those 8 days, we had sex on an average 3 times. 2-4 times. Of all those times, you think.. and average of 24 times we had sex. She came every single one of those times. And me? I came... 4. If that number looks weird, i'll spell it out. FOUR. A guy and a girl had a sexual relationship where the girl came 6 TIMES the number the guy came.
So my first time was horrible really. And i really kinda regret it. The only good that came out of it was the fact that Lucy was so amazing, that she blew my mind. Having such low expectations as i did, boosted Lucy. I'm glad for that.
Back to Kanye, and what did i learn from my relationship with Kim? Well... sex with someone you love may not be all that sometimes. Sometimes trust and love isn't everything. Because you never know when you just got a case of the puppy love, or the tragic love. The whole "want what you can't have" thing? I loved Lucy, and it was the sexual chemistry that added to it. When i loved Kim, it was because i had no one else. Lucy... it was everything. We were attracted to each other, are personalities interested each other, our goals were somewhat the same, and the sex... just blew the door wide open. For kim, i was relying on love because you were there.
A little lesson for you people, you can't love someone just cause they're there! You can't expect anyone to love you just cause your there! Don't get me wrong, that's great too! But actions speak louder than words. Speaking the words is what will get you recognized. You have to be sure that love isn't based on anything except them, and thats tough, but believe me when i say you'll know it when you see it. Look out for sincerity, and be sure you see that people do feel for you. Love can blind you, and it can also hinder you. It'll leave you paranoid, but you have to find the right amount. What i'm saying may not make sense. but i hope you can understand what i'm saying enough.
P.S. Kim hooked up with 3 dudes and had sex with one a month after we broke up. She got a new boyfriend, broke up with him cause she's in college, and then got back with him cause she wanted a boyfriend in college. And now she's cheating on him. Be sure you know your girls fools. Nice guys need to learn a little something. We'll talk about that sometime.
Fans
When i opened this blog thing, i did it as just a place to vent. I didn't think i'd get famous on it, i still don't think people will look at it. Hell i don't think many people are too interested in what i have to say. I'm just throwing a series of bumfluff out there, and seeing if whatever you catch might change the way you think even a little.
Every now and then i go to a different blog, even if it's just to see how theirs look like. And a lot of people have followers, and the blog almost... everyday. For years. I dunno. I feel that i always have something to say, and every blog has even a little meaning to it. I feel that I'm not just gonna post something that's gonna be like "Oh did nothing today, stay tuned." So my shit will always be these long posts... or semi-long. And frankly i just feel like no one's going to read it...
... Honestly that's a bit fine with me. I'd rather people follow me and like what i'm saying then follow me because i'm whoring myself out. Like, "Oh! follow for a follow!"I don't need to do that. But i still would like a little exposure.
I guess when i think of blogs i think of the movie Julia and Julia... Yeah i saw it! It's a great movie. Very interesting. Plus I love food. Anyways, Amy Adams in that movie wrote a blog which no one followed. Then one day she had thousands of fans. Heh... i guess the naive kid in me thinks that i'll wake up inspiring hundreds of people tomorrow, and the pessimist in me thinks that no ones even going to bother, and i'll give this up soon.
Don't worry, i'm not giving this up. i'm actually enjoying this. I have a stack of movies, I'm thinking of making like... A movie review every Friday and Monday. I say Monday because... Well i missed this Friday, and i wanted to make it up and thought, "Hey why not include monday..." With that logic i might as well do one tonight...
I might. So look out for that... whoever is the one person who might take a look at this shit.
Every now and then i go to a different blog, even if it's just to see how theirs look like. And a lot of people have followers, and the blog almost... everyday. For years. I dunno. I feel that i always have something to say, and every blog has even a little meaning to it. I feel that I'm not just gonna post something that's gonna be like "Oh did nothing today, stay tuned." So my shit will always be these long posts... or semi-long. And frankly i just feel like no one's going to read it...
... Honestly that's a bit fine with me. I'd rather people follow me and like what i'm saying then follow me because i'm whoring myself out. Like, "Oh! follow for a follow!"I don't need to do that. But i still would like a little exposure.
I guess when i think of blogs i think of the movie Julia and Julia... Yeah i saw it! It's a great movie. Very interesting. Plus I love food. Anyways, Amy Adams in that movie wrote a blog which no one followed. Then one day she had thousands of fans. Heh... i guess the naive kid in me thinks that i'll wake up inspiring hundreds of people tomorrow, and the pessimist in me thinks that no ones even going to bother, and i'll give this up soon.
Don't worry, i'm not giving this up. i'm actually enjoying this. I have a stack of movies, I'm thinking of making like... A movie review every Friday and Monday. I say Monday because... Well i missed this Friday, and i wanted to make it up and thought, "Hey why not include monday..." With that logic i might as well do one tonight...
I might. So look out for that... whoever is the one person who might take a look at this shit.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Fools Gold
So i'm at a point in my life where i can account for the most important people in the world to me on one hand. If you read the previous posts you should know my parents aren't on there.
I have best friends, they're the greatest friends in the world, i have an aunt and uncle who have been more of a mother and father to me than my own. Actually accounting all the people, there's probably like... 7 or 8. I can't give an exact number because there is an anomaly there. But these people are absolute gold to me. And you know what you do with gold right? You keep it, and you wear it, and you show it off to the world, because it shows how rich you are. How could i have an unsure number for my gold pieces? To understand, i have to explain to you my story.
2011, at this point in my life the people who i love are made up of 3 people. I'm not counting my aunt and uncle because i never talk to them because i don't want to bother them, that's a different post. There it'd be my best friend in the entire world, we'll call him Samwise, or Sam. After that there's my current ex-girlfriend. Now it's important to mention we'd only been together for a month, known each other for 2. But i believed she was my soulmate, infact i still believe it. To this day i claim i love her more than any girl in the world. So we'll call her Lucy. Last but not least, its another girl. This girl was my best friend, better than Samwise. Reason being was because at the time, Samwise lived somewhere very far from me. Though he meant more to me than this girl ever could, she was there. Therefore, i spent a lot of great times with her. And she was perfect, curly hair, some dyed, innocent yet freaky. Nerdy, and loved it, wore hipster shades, and loved to be happy and have fun. She crafted things out of nothing, and loved indie music. For these reasons, we shall call her Zooey. It's also important to note that she tried to be exactly like Zooey Deschanel. And i had a major crush on Zooey Deschanel... the person not my best friend. But you can probably already see where the problems going to stem.
Now me and Zooey had plenty of good times, before i had met Lucy. And we went through a brief phase of being together. that ended though as I hadn't found myself yet. I was in the middle of a crises, and she didn't want a part of that. At the time it all made sense.
I met Lucy, and Lucy was this... goddess, this absolutely beautiful girl, who talked like she walked. She had experience that she regretted, but she used it to make the character that walked before you. She was absolutely the greatest girl, i'll ever meet. And I had to have her. She made the first move though... and at that point i knew it was love at first sight.
We spent 2 weeks together before i had to go home. She actually cried the day i left, and i will forever cherish that. This all happened during New years vacation, a vacation romance. And there was a tradition that went on in her family apparently, you take a dollar and put it in the person you loves hand, and they hold it in their right hand till new years was over. And i did it, and we shared New Years kiss, and we made love. It was an absolutely gorgeous way to start the new year.
I went home, to the open arms of my best friend Zooey. And i was ecstatic to see her. We hung out an entire night, where we talked about our relationship. It wasn't an argument, she just wanted to be sure we were best friend, not ordinary best friends. But Samwise and me best friends. So I nodded my head and said, "of course! We'll always be!"
And she happily replied, "I love you."
And i, with just as much, said, "I love you too."
This was a friendship love. But of course, my girl was going to have a problem with it. I assured her it was all okay. But she had every right to be paranoid. She didn't like that me and Zooey hung out till 2 in the morning every night. So of course, she asked for a compromise.This where the problems began.
A long time ago, another girlfriend of mine, we'll call her Kim, asked me to open up. She claimed she was not only my best friend, but my girlfriend. And she deserved the right to know if anything was bothering me. My story was pretty rough, but i was so used to being ignored, i just thought no body cared. But she did. Caught off guard, i divulged my inner secrets. Let myself open. She wanted it all. And she showed sympathy. And i felt sad. I wanted more. I became dramatic, vying for sympathy from everybody. i became her. She was the same way, no, she was worse. Because pretty soon... she stopped asking for it. And she just wanted it from me. When i refused, she cheated on me and left me. She just wanted attention. And she broke my heart to do it. I vowed never to fall under that spell again. Because in truth, we're all digging for gold, and nothing hurts worse, than to celebrate the riches you have, then have it crumble in a time when you needed it the most. Fools gold.
Fast forward back to Lucy. Asking me to just compromise. Compromise. A word that meant work out a situation to benefit both parties involved. The last time i worked out anything... it crumbled before me. The last time i changed anything... my heart crumbled. I was afraid of pain. Afraid of loss. Afraid of losing my honor and morals, all because of a girl? It wasn't worth it, not unless it was gold, but how could i be sure it was gold? Real gold wouldn't crack under pressure. So i stood my ground. I fought. And Zooey supported me. I fought to protect friendship, and real gold. Lucy was a chance at striking pounds of real gold, and Zooey was already a necklace made of gold. I wasn't taking her off.
A couple weeks of that, and Lucy crumbled. She was in pieces. And all i did was laugh, "Hah! I knew it wasn't real gold! I'm not stupid!" And Zooey laughed with me, i had made the right decision. Zooey went home. And i took a real look and the pieces... It was real. Lucy was real gold. I looked carefully, and it was real. It didn't make sense, how could it break? It was Samwise who told me, "Dude, it doesn't matter what that's made out of, put anything under the amount of pressure you did, it's bound to break. Your lucky it last that long."
I ran. I ran till i felt my knees pop. I ran till i was so weak i was leaning forward thinking that if i fall, at least i fall in that direction, i'll crawl the rest of the way... But it was gone. The jackpot, the huge bank of gold that i discovered was gone. All that was left, was the pieces i had. No amount of forging, and digging could fix what i did. and i knew that. I went home. I went home with sadness raining down on me.
February 10th, 2011.- Lucy leaves me.
But there was one bright side to all this. I'd go home, and i'd wake up in the morning, and i'll still have that bit of real gold, the one i fought so hard for. That one, i knew, was going to be there forever.
To anyone whose a pessimist and a realist, i'm sure you can guess what's going to happen. Putting it in my best metaphor, the jeweler came and took the necklace. Someone had bought it. fighting all this time for real gold, i had forgotten... it was never mine.
If you suck at metaphors, a day after me and Lucy broke up, Zooey came running to me. Told me that she had a new boyfriend she wanted me to meet. I met him, nice guy, too old for her, but whatever. She promised me, we'd always be best friends, and she'd never leave me fore her boyfriend.
.................And that's the last i saw of my gold. That's what i thought. Roughly about 6 or 7 months later, i found her again. We talked, and we argued in the quiet way we do. She actually apologized to me. I was shocked as hell. She always thought i was wrong, and she'd fight me and i always lost. Used to be, i didn't care, cause i loved her enough for that. Fighting with gold seemed pointless. She apologized, and promised to call me soon, and we'd be best friends, like we used to be.
... Nov. 11, 2011. I delete Zooey off my facebook.
In conclusion, it turns out the real gold i had all along, was made for a fool. And i'm the fool that gave up the riches of the world for that. Can you ever be sure you have real gold?
I have roughly about 7 people i can consider real gold. That's Samwise, my aunt, my uncle, Bo Bo, Husky, Bear, and of course... Lucy. You see, i'll always love Lucy, and nothing will ever change that. She may never be that gold for me, but she can sure as hell use me however she wants. She deserves at least that from me. As for the 8th? You guys know it's Zooey. I love Zooey to death, but she betrayed me. There's more to the story, i assure you. But for right now, all you need to know, is there's a knife in back from Zooey. I will always love her, though i don't want to. She selfishly left me, and didn't bother to even say goodbye. I don't need that. She does not deserve my gold. Because at this point in my life, the only gold she'd ever get from me, is that of a fool.
....I'm saying, i love her, but i know she'll never love me the same. I won't live with that,
Fuck female best friends!
December 31st, 2011 - Samwise's house, he gives me 12 grapes and tells me to eat them and make a wish. One wish, for every month of the new year. It's a tradition "Oh!' I say.I hand the grapes to my brother and tell him to hold it for a second. I take out my wallet and take out a little slip of paper. My brother asks, "What are you doing?"
I show him that in my right hand i hold a dollar bill, with the word LUCY, written on it. I look down at him and say, "...Just... doing my own tradition." And i held it, till the new year came. And i kissed it, and whispered, "If she did really love me... Maybe she'll come back."
.....Because that's the way it goes with treasure hunting right? You'd find that spot again?
I have best friends, they're the greatest friends in the world, i have an aunt and uncle who have been more of a mother and father to me than my own. Actually accounting all the people, there's probably like... 7 or 8. I can't give an exact number because there is an anomaly there. But these people are absolute gold to me. And you know what you do with gold right? You keep it, and you wear it, and you show it off to the world, because it shows how rich you are. How could i have an unsure number for my gold pieces? To understand, i have to explain to you my story.
2011, at this point in my life the people who i love are made up of 3 people. I'm not counting my aunt and uncle because i never talk to them because i don't want to bother them, that's a different post. There it'd be my best friend in the entire world, we'll call him Samwise, or Sam. After that there's my current ex-girlfriend. Now it's important to mention we'd only been together for a month, known each other for 2. But i believed she was my soulmate, infact i still believe it. To this day i claim i love her more than any girl in the world. So we'll call her Lucy. Last but not least, its another girl. This girl was my best friend, better than Samwise. Reason being was because at the time, Samwise lived somewhere very far from me. Though he meant more to me than this girl ever could, she was there. Therefore, i spent a lot of great times with her. And she was perfect, curly hair, some dyed, innocent yet freaky. Nerdy, and loved it, wore hipster shades, and loved to be happy and have fun. She crafted things out of nothing, and loved indie music. For these reasons, we shall call her Zooey. It's also important to note that she tried to be exactly like Zooey Deschanel. And i had a major crush on Zooey Deschanel... the person not my best friend. But you can probably already see where the problems going to stem.
Now me and Zooey had plenty of good times, before i had met Lucy. And we went through a brief phase of being together. that ended though as I hadn't found myself yet. I was in the middle of a crises, and she didn't want a part of that. At the time it all made sense.
I met Lucy, and Lucy was this... goddess, this absolutely beautiful girl, who talked like she walked. She had experience that she regretted, but she used it to make the character that walked before you. She was absolutely the greatest girl, i'll ever meet. And I had to have her. She made the first move though... and at that point i knew it was love at first sight.
We spent 2 weeks together before i had to go home. She actually cried the day i left, and i will forever cherish that. This all happened during New years vacation, a vacation romance. And there was a tradition that went on in her family apparently, you take a dollar and put it in the person you loves hand, and they hold it in their right hand till new years was over. And i did it, and we shared New Years kiss, and we made love. It was an absolutely gorgeous way to start the new year.
I went home, to the open arms of my best friend Zooey. And i was ecstatic to see her. We hung out an entire night, where we talked about our relationship. It wasn't an argument, she just wanted to be sure we were best friend, not ordinary best friends. But Samwise and me best friends. So I nodded my head and said, "of course! We'll always be!"
And she happily replied, "I love you."
And i, with just as much, said, "I love you too."
This was a friendship love. But of course, my girl was going to have a problem with it. I assured her it was all okay. But she had every right to be paranoid. She didn't like that me and Zooey hung out till 2 in the morning every night. So of course, she asked for a compromise.This where the problems began.
A long time ago, another girlfriend of mine, we'll call her Kim, asked me to open up. She claimed she was not only my best friend, but my girlfriend. And she deserved the right to know if anything was bothering me. My story was pretty rough, but i was so used to being ignored, i just thought no body cared. But she did. Caught off guard, i divulged my inner secrets. Let myself open. She wanted it all. And she showed sympathy. And i felt sad. I wanted more. I became dramatic, vying for sympathy from everybody. i became her. She was the same way, no, she was worse. Because pretty soon... she stopped asking for it. And she just wanted it from me. When i refused, she cheated on me and left me. She just wanted attention. And she broke my heart to do it. I vowed never to fall under that spell again. Because in truth, we're all digging for gold, and nothing hurts worse, than to celebrate the riches you have, then have it crumble in a time when you needed it the most. Fools gold.
Fast forward back to Lucy. Asking me to just compromise. Compromise. A word that meant work out a situation to benefit both parties involved. The last time i worked out anything... it crumbled before me. The last time i changed anything... my heart crumbled. I was afraid of pain. Afraid of loss. Afraid of losing my honor and morals, all because of a girl? It wasn't worth it, not unless it was gold, but how could i be sure it was gold? Real gold wouldn't crack under pressure. So i stood my ground. I fought. And Zooey supported me. I fought to protect friendship, and real gold. Lucy was a chance at striking pounds of real gold, and Zooey was already a necklace made of gold. I wasn't taking her off.
A couple weeks of that, and Lucy crumbled. She was in pieces. And all i did was laugh, "Hah! I knew it wasn't real gold! I'm not stupid!" And Zooey laughed with me, i had made the right decision. Zooey went home. And i took a real look and the pieces... It was real. Lucy was real gold. I looked carefully, and it was real. It didn't make sense, how could it break? It was Samwise who told me, "Dude, it doesn't matter what that's made out of, put anything under the amount of pressure you did, it's bound to break. Your lucky it last that long."
I ran. I ran till i felt my knees pop. I ran till i was so weak i was leaning forward thinking that if i fall, at least i fall in that direction, i'll crawl the rest of the way... But it was gone. The jackpot, the huge bank of gold that i discovered was gone. All that was left, was the pieces i had. No amount of forging, and digging could fix what i did. and i knew that. I went home. I went home with sadness raining down on me.
February 10th, 2011.- Lucy leaves me.
But there was one bright side to all this. I'd go home, and i'd wake up in the morning, and i'll still have that bit of real gold, the one i fought so hard for. That one, i knew, was going to be there forever.
To anyone whose a pessimist and a realist, i'm sure you can guess what's going to happen. Putting it in my best metaphor, the jeweler came and took the necklace. Someone had bought it. fighting all this time for real gold, i had forgotten... it was never mine.
If you suck at metaphors, a day after me and Lucy broke up, Zooey came running to me. Told me that she had a new boyfriend she wanted me to meet. I met him, nice guy, too old for her, but whatever. She promised me, we'd always be best friends, and she'd never leave me fore her boyfriend.
.................And that's the last i saw of my gold. That's what i thought. Roughly about 6 or 7 months later, i found her again. We talked, and we argued in the quiet way we do. She actually apologized to me. I was shocked as hell. She always thought i was wrong, and she'd fight me and i always lost. Used to be, i didn't care, cause i loved her enough for that. Fighting with gold seemed pointless. She apologized, and promised to call me soon, and we'd be best friends, like we used to be.
... Nov. 11, 2011. I delete Zooey off my facebook.
In conclusion, it turns out the real gold i had all along, was made for a fool. And i'm the fool that gave up the riches of the world for that. Can you ever be sure you have real gold?
I have roughly about 7 people i can consider real gold. That's Samwise, my aunt, my uncle, Bo Bo, Husky, Bear, and of course... Lucy. You see, i'll always love Lucy, and nothing will ever change that. She may never be that gold for me, but she can sure as hell use me however she wants. She deserves at least that from me. As for the 8th? You guys know it's Zooey. I love Zooey to death, but she betrayed me. There's more to the story, i assure you. But for right now, all you need to know, is there's a knife in back from Zooey. I will always love her, though i don't want to. She selfishly left me, and didn't bother to even say goodbye. I don't need that. She does not deserve my gold. Because at this point in my life, the only gold she'd ever get from me, is that of a fool.
....I'm saying, i love her, but i know she'll never love me the same. I won't live with that,
Fuck female best friends!
December 31st, 2011 - Samwise's house, he gives me 12 grapes and tells me to eat them and make a wish. One wish, for every month of the new year. It's a tradition "Oh!' I say.I hand the grapes to my brother and tell him to hold it for a second. I take out my wallet and take out a little slip of paper. My brother asks, "What are you doing?"
I show him that in my right hand i hold a dollar bill, with the word LUCY, written on it. I look down at him and say, "...Just... doing my own tradition." And i held it, till the new year came. And i kissed it, and whispered, "If she did really love me... Maybe she'll come back."
.....Because that's the way it goes with treasure hunting right? You'd find that spot again?
Sex
I want to show a little more of my entertaining side. I'm not all depressing shit you know! That's just me wiping it off my shoulders. So i thought i'd cover a topic a little more happy. Sex is a loaded topic. i have a lot to say about it, but i'll just cut right to things i love and hate that are sexual. By that, i mean i'm just going to list things that are sexual that are frequent topics between me and my friends.
#1 Masturbation
Of course this had t0 be included. This is mostly because i have a male best friend, he's awesome and we talk about it all the time (no homo) just because it's a common ground. We're at a point where we can have a conversation like... one of our family members died. And the other while comforting will say our code for, "I have to snap one off" and the other goes, "Alright man, i'll be here." and we continue like nothing happened afterwards. True friendship.
#2 Threesomes
Another loaded gun. Honestly, im kinda against these. Hold on, don't attack me! No i WOULD do it. but only if 2 random girls came to me with that. I can't have a threesome with someone i know, and i like. Maybe an acquaintance. but never someone i love, or am friends with. That'd just be awkward, or your asking me to watch the girl i love cheat on me in front of me. i don't care if its another girl! If she's bi, she could be uninterested in me. That'd suck, also... pleasing 1 girl is enough trouble...
#3 Oral
Now this causes a lot of debate between me and my friends. There are a lot of selfish guys out there! My best friend in the whole world says he hates eating out, also, that when he gets blown, he will not kiss the girl until after she uses mouthwash. Now comon... that's just being a prude. I don't see whats disgusting about either. My best advice? Get over yourself.
Now this is probably an incomplete list. i'll add to it if i think of anything else, but for now i just want to get off this topic and maybe get into something i can talk passionately about. Maybe my next post will be about movies, music or whatever. i have a lot to say and this wide open area to say it. May as well. till next time.
#1 Masturbation
Of course this had t0 be included. This is mostly because i have a male best friend, he's awesome and we talk about it all the time (no homo) just because it's a common ground. We're at a point where we can have a conversation like... one of our family members died. And the other while comforting will say our code for, "I have to snap one off" and the other goes, "Alright man, i'll be here." and we continue like nothing happened afterwards. True friendship.
#2 Threesomes
Another loaded gun. Honestly, im kinda against these. Hold on, don't attack me! No i WOULD do it. but only if 2 random girls came to me with that. I can't have a threesome with someone i know, and i like. Maybe an acquaintance. but never someone i love, or am friends with. That'd just be awkward, or your asking me to watch the girl i love cheat on me in front of me. i don't care if its another girl! If she's bi, she could be uninterested in me. That'd suck, also... pleasing 1 girl is enough trouble...
#3 Oral
Now this causes a lot of debate between me and my friends. There are a lot of selfish guys out there! My best friend in the whole world says he hates eating out, also, that when he gets blown, he will not kiss the girl until after she uses mouthwash. Now comon... that's just being a prude. I don't see whats disgusting about either. My best advice? Get over yourself.
Now this is probably an incomplete list. i'll add to it if i think of anything else, but for now i just want to get off this topic and maybe get into something i can talk passionately about. Maybe my next post will be about movies, music or whatever. i have a lot to say and this wide open area to say it. May as well. till next time.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
the Kick-It List
I didn't think i'd be writing again so soon, but since i already have this in my mind and i know what point i want to make, i might as well.
A while back, i think a year or so ago, i made a story called the Kick-it List. you can read it on Deviantart. It's basically a story about a world famous author who finds a kid about to jump over a bridge and jumps himself instead. Basically both people in the story were me, and it symbolizes a lot of things that happened in my life, and a lot of problems i have. I have enough problems to traumatize 10 people.
The main plot of the story was the Kick-it list, an idea or variation to the ever-famous bucket list. You know, things to do before you kick the bucket? My list would be, things you want to do before you DECIDE to Kick-it. Huge difference. I created it as a psychological tool in order to save myself from committing suicide. And for a while it worked. I had completely forgot i made it, and i was happy just trying to live a happy life. I was under the influence of people such as Joseph Campbell and Charles Bukowski, and i knew there was nothing more i wanted than to share thoughts that deep.
Eventually though, you know what happens to people. They fall in love and they break their hearts, parents hold them down, the lose jobs, school sucks, whatever. I had written stuff in my kick-it List that consisted of "Seeing the dead sea", "Dancing with Ellen", "writing a book", and "Seeing my name in the credits of a movie." Also a very important one, "Build a house in a place of sand." I wrote it that way, because i wasn't sure if i was going to do that in the desert, an island, or the coast of a secluded beach. After all that, and i was sure there was nothing left for me to live for, i would just end my life. In truth, i hate my parents, i lost the girl i considered my soulmate, i was backstabbed by a girl i called my best friend, and my parents had ruined many opportunities in my life and then blamed me for failing. The stress has become so much that at times its hard to breathe, at times its hard to smile, and most days, i hate that my eyes can still open to see the morning sun. Yeah i'm depressing, but that's not the character trait i cherish.
I can still get up and live through the day, i can still find a way to smile, and i can still find a way to have fun. I have the ability to help people like i dreamed. I still have to ability to inspire people. In my eyes, i died a long time ago. I died in a place i called purgatory, i died when my father divorced my mother, i died when i realized my sister didn't love me, i died when my grandmother and my grandfather died, i died when i felt i lost all that i ever, and will ever love. But i can still get up. I have more lives than a fuckin' game genie can grant. And no one see's that depressing part of me. No one see's the complete pressure i'm under, and no one see's how much i hate myself at time. Because i do not let that effect the way i live.
A long time ago, i was obsessed with a man i mentioned already named Joseph Campbell. I fell in love with him, because he taught me the meaning of life. I want to include a quote that you can find in a song called Arrow of God. It's one of my favorites from Joesph Campbell and it means something dear to me.
"Eternity isn't some later time. Eternity isn't a long time. Eternity has nothing to do with time. Eternity is that dimension of here and now which thinking and time cuts out. This is it. And if you don't get it here, you won't get it anywhere. And the experience of eternity right here and now is the function of life."
Right there is where i found out what the meaning of life was. The meaning isn't important. We are living in an eternity, this is where we are. This is what live is, a perpetual movement that just revolves around how you live your life. There isn't any deeper meaning for why we live. Life is something that should not have been. That's a quote, "Life is something that should not have been," and as Joseph Campbell put it, we are living in the very essence of a gift. We should not be here. And though i believe that one day i'm going to kill myself, whenever i hear of someone that attempts it, i feel nothing but anger. How dare they? They were given the gift of life, yes, its theirs to do what they want, but how unappreciative can you be to just throw it away like that? I respect druggies, sex addicts, alcoholics, whores, idiots, all these people i respect more than those who commit suicide. Because they live in a state of complete hedonism. Hedonism, as defined, is a lifestyle where you treasure pleasure over pain. And i can respect people who just want to go out and live a good time. If you die young, you died living.
Needless to say, i don't endorse it. I smoke pot, i'll try pills, i'll try acid. But something's i won't do, heroin, meth, and coke. Because though those are party things, you can get lost and addicted to it. And i won't let addiction run my life. I drink, and i like doing it. Because it unleashes a barrier, and i find i can think more random thoughts with it. It helps me gain some ground. I'll respect you more for doing pills, than killing yourself. But that's not by much. anybody who takes a life, i can't endorse. Murder is completely outrageous. How can you take away someone else's gift? It wasn't even yours to take.
Obviously this sounds a bit demented, but thats the way i think. Even though i'm doing bad in school, i don't have a job, I still appreciate the life i live. And i live it, however i can. I love life, and i won't argue why it's given to me, but i'll be damn sure to use it up, until i see fit to throw it away. If life was an ugly sweater i got for christmas, Hell i haven't gotten anything else from anybody, and i appreciate someone getting something for me, no matter how ugly. And you can be damned sure i will wear that sweater until i stretch it out, until it rips apart, until it's covered in stains, until i see that there's no other reason for me to wear it.
A while back, i think a year or so ago, i made a story called the Kick-it List. you can read it on Deviantart. It's basically a story about a world famous author who finds a kid about to jump over a bridge and jumps himself instead. Basically both people in the story were me, and it symbolizes a lot of things that happened in my life, and a lot of problems i have. I have enough problems to traumatize 10 people.
The main plot of the story was the Kick-it list, an idea or variation to the ever-famous bucket list. You know, things to do before you kick the bucket? My list would be, things you want to do before you DECIDE to Kick-it. Huge difference. I created it as a psychological tool in order to save myself from committing suicide. And for a while it worked. I had completely forgot i made it, and i was happy just trying to live a happy life. I was under the influence of people such as Joseph Campbell and Charles Bukowski, and i knew there was nothing more i wanted than to share thoughts that deep.
Eventually though, you know what happens to people. They fall in love and they break their hearts, parents hold them down, the lose jobs, school sucks, whatever. I had written stuff in my kick-it List that consisted of "Seeing the dead sea", "Dancing with Ellen", "writing a book", and "Seeing my name in the credits of a movie." Also a very important one, "Build a house in a place of sand." I wrote it that way, because i wasn't sure if i was going to do that in the desert, an island, or the coast of a secluded beach. After all that, and i was sure there was nothing left for me to live for, i would just end my life. In truth, i hate my parents, i lost the girl i considered my soulmate, i was backstabbed by a girl i called my best friend, and my parents had ruined many opportunities in my life and then blamed me for failing. The stress has become so much that at times its hard to breathe, at times its hard to smile, and most days, i hate that my eyes can still open to see the morning sun. Yeah i'm depressing, but that's not the character trait i cherish.
I can still get up and live through the day, i can still find a way to smile, and i can still find a way to have fun. I have the ability to help people like i dreamed. I still have to ability to inspire people. In my eyes, i died a long time ago. I died in a place i called purgatory, i died when my father divorced my mother, i died when i realized my sister didn't love me, i died when my grandmother and my grandfather died, i died when i felt i lost all that i ever, and will ever love. But i can still get up. I have more lives than a fuckin' game genie can grant. And no one see's that depressing part of me. No one see's the complete pressure i'm under, and no one see's how much i hate myself at time. Because i do not let that effect the way i live.
A long time ago, i was obsessed with a man i mentioned already named Joseph Campbell. I fell in love with him, because he taught me the meaning of life. I want to include a quote that you can find in a song called Arrow of God. It's one of my favorites from Joesph Campbell and it means something dear to me.
"Eternity isn't some later time. Eternity isn't a long time. Eternity has nothing to do with time. Eternity is that dimension of here and now which thinking and time cuts out. This is it. And if you don't get it here, you won't get it anywhere. And the experience of eternity right here and now is the function of life."
Right there is where i found out what the meaning of life was. The meaning isn't important. We are living in an eternity, this is where we are. This is what live is, a perpetual movement that just revolves around how you live your life. There isn't any deeper meaning for why we live. Life is something that should not have been. That's a quote, "Life is something that should not have been," and as Joseph Campbell put it, we are living in the very essence of a gift. We should not be here. And though i believe that one day i'm going to kill myself, whenever i hear of someone that attempts it, i feel nothing but anger. How dare they? They were given the gift of life, yes, its theirs to do what they want, but how unappreciative can you be to just throw it away like that? I respect druggies, sex addicts, alcoholics, whores, idiots, all these people i respect more than those who commit suicide. Because they live in a state of complete hedonism. Hedonism, as defined, is a lifestyle where you treasure pleasure over pain. And i can respect people who just want to go out and live a good time. If you die young, you died living.
Needless to say, i don't endorse it. I smoke pot, i'll try pills, i'll try acid. But something's i won't do, heroin, meth, and coke. Because though those are party things, you can get lost and addicted to it. And i won't let addiction run my life. I drink, and i like doing it. Because it unleashes a barrier, and i find i can think more random thoughts with it. It helps me gain some ground. I'll respect you more for doing pills, than killing yourself. But that's not by much. anybody who takes a life, i can't endorse. Murder is completely outrageous. How can you take away someone else's gift? It wasn't even yours to take.
Obviously this sounds a bit demented, but thats the way i think. Even though i'm doing bad in school, i don't have a job, I still appreciate the life i live. And i live it, however i can. I love life, and i won't argue why it's given to me, but i'll be damn sure to use it up, until i see fit to throw it away. If life was an ugly sweater i got for christmas, Hell i haven't gotten anything else from anybody, and i appreciate someone getting something for me, no matter how ugly. And you can be damned sure i will wear that sweater until i stretch it out, until it rips apart, until it's covered in stains, until i see that there's no other reason for me to wear it.
Title
Looking at it now, I still think it's an awesome title. This was supposed to be the title to my book. Like I say for most of the books I don't write, "What an awesome story it could've been." So what makes this blog special? Really, nothing does. Do people even read blogs anymore? Could I be assured that people are going to read this? I can't. Now I do have the power to make it engaging, and fun to read, but that just wouldn't fit my mood right now.
I'm hopeless, I got shitty grades and no where to go in life. Blah, blah, blah. So I'm the well meaning protagonist in this movie right? Wrong. This isn't my movie I'm living. You see, I'm the supporting actor to everyone's movie, waiting for the day the main character can stand on his own, and i can just be killed off. Depressing I know, but it's the simple truth at this point in my life. I'm 20 years old, and not much to show for it. I haven't had any control in my life, and seeing as it's my life, people only see it fit to blame me for it all. Of course it's not my dad's fault for overloading me with 2 jobs and 4 classes in college, and not my ex-girlfriend's fault for being so clingy. No, it was my fault cause I'm lazy and unmotivated.
You probably have no clue what I'm talking about, and that's okay. I barely do. All I know is I'm in a perpetual depression because I lost the love of my life, I feel an uneasy hopelessness because school as an option just isn't panning out, I don't have enough experience to get a job anywhere, and any career option I want just isn't feasible. What can I do? Nothing I suppose, but that just wouldn't be me.
The American Dream, the whole 2 story house, white picket fence, trophy wife, dog named spot, 2 and a half kids, that's the cliche we are all chasing. The life we all want to live. And that's what my blog is going to be about. The never-ending chase to that cliche. Of course that's not the dream I want. I want to be a world-famous writer, i want to help people, i want to buy an island, build a ramshackle house and add on to that. When i see that it is a beautiful house, and there's nothing else left for me to do, i get out a gun and pull the trigger. Dark? Not really, it's all a part of my Kick-it list. That will be name of my blog tomorrow.
This blog is just a basic, get-to-know-the-dark-me. I decided to write this on behalf of something my best friend's dad said. That if i want to write, i should do a blog and apply to local newspapers. So this will be my journal... of sorts. Cataloging my days failing, or succeeding. Hopefully it's the latter. Maybe you can see the start of my new books. i just got a ton of them brewing.
But yeah. This is me. And I want to actually write in this one, not like in the last one where i started writing, and stopped a week later. I'm going to write everyday. I always have something to say. So hopefully you'll stop by more often and check out what i have to say. I do make some interesting points.
Reminder- next topic: The Kick-it List.
I'm hopeless, I got shitty grades and no where to go in life. Blah, blah, blah. So I'm the well meaning protagonist in this movie right? Wrong. This isn't my movie I'm living. You see, I'm the supporting actor to everyone's movie, waiting for the day the main character can stand on his own, and i can just be killed off. Depressing I know, but it's the simple truth at this point in my life. I'm 20 years old, and not much to show for it. I haven't had any control in my life, and seeing as it's my life, people only see it fit to blame me for it all. Of course it's not my dad's fault for overloading me with 2 jobs and 4 classes in college, and not my ex-girlfriend's fault for being so clingy. No, it was my fault cause I'm lazy and unmotivated.
You probably have no clue what I'm talking about, and that's okay. I barely do. All I know is I'm in a perpetual depression because I lost the love of my life, I feel an uneasy hopelessness because school as an option just isn't panning out, I don't have enough experience to get a job anywhere, and any career option I want just isn't feasible. What can I do? Nothing I suppose, but that just wouldn't be me.
The American Dream, the whole 2 story house, white picket fence, trophy wife, dog named spot, 2 and a half kids, that's the cliche we are all chasing. The life we all want to live. And that's what my blog is going to be about. The never-ending chase to that cliche. Of course that's not the dream I want. I want to be a world-famous writer, i want to help people, i want to buy an island, build a ramshackle house and add on to that. When i see that it is a beautiful house, and there's nothing else left for me to do, i get out a gun and pull the trigger. Dark? Not really, it's all a part of my Kick-it list. That will be name of my blog tomorrow.
This blog is just a basic, get-to-know-the-dark-me. I decided to write this on behalf of something my best friend's dad said. That if i want to write, i should do a blog and apply to local newspapers. So this will be my journal... of sorts. Cataloging my days failing, or succeeding. Hopefully it's the latter. Maybe you can see the start of my new books. i just got a ton of them brewing.
But yeah. This is me. And I want to actually write in this one, not like in the last one where i started writing, and stopped a week later. I'm going to write everyday. I always have something to say. So hopefully you'll stop by more often and check out what i have to say. I do make some interesting points.
Reminder- next topic: The Kick-it List.
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