I don't know.

3 words that just seem to define my life as of late. I don't know. I don't know why i'm so passionate about being a writer when i feel like i personally suck at it. I don't know why i don't want to be a cop even though i grew up obsessed with Zelda and admire Link's sense of justice. I don't know why i can only see the good in people, or why i only WANT to see the good in people when i've had so many bad things done to me. I don't know what it is that keeps me so depressed and unmotivated. I don't know why time moves so quickly for me when i don't want it to, but so slow when i'm suffering. I don't know why after all these years i still dislike my mother, and don't trust my father. I don't know why i can't stand around to be my sis or hear her talk. I don't know why even though i felt strong and happy that my grandmothers pain was taken away when she died, but i can't visit her grave. I just don't know why i love going to school and learning, act arrogant yet try to be so humble. I don't know why being humble is so important to me. I have no fuckin' clue why i think about HER every day, every night of these past 3 years even though we went out for maybe less than a month. I don't know why i can't just move on and try out any girl no matter who they are, just to try them out. I don't know why i see every girl as beautiful, yet don't want to try going out with any of them. I don't know why i want to be alone, or why i just don't want to be around people unless i'm working. I don't know why i can't dedicate even a week of my vacation or anytime to the stories i've started but have never finished. I don't know why when i think of her i can't breathe, or i get panic attacks, or i feel pain in my chest as if i suddenly grew a heart. I don't know why i make suicidal jokes, or self-degrading jokes, or heartless and asshole jokes when i even can clearly see i'm a nice guy. I don't know why i want to help so many people, yet don't want to get involved in their messes. I don't know why I hate the situation i am, yet i'm taking my sweet ass time trying to make moves. I don't know why i feel like the world hates me. I don't know why i feel like the world doesn't trust me. I don't know why i feel friendless, loveless, hopeless and brain dead. I don't know why at times i feel like a zombie, like i'm dead, like i have been for years. Like there's nothing i should be living for, yet i am because i'm stubborn.

What do i know? I know that I love the prospect of moving to a place like Seattle, New Mexico, or Scotland. I know that i want to travel and see the most beautiful things the world has to offer. I know that i want to see her one more time and hopefully make her proud. I know that i could never win her back, but i also know that sometimes life isn't about what you want, but what's best for the person you love. I know that i love my aunt, my uncle, and my brother more than anything in the world. I know that i'm done trying to be a teenager, trying to get drunk or high to party with the other teens. I know that i'm not done being a kid yet though, that my imagination and love for video games are what define my morals and interests today. I know that even though i won't have a kid, i don't need one because i've had my hand raising enough people, even if they are people who want nothing to do with me now. I know that it's my passion for learning, writing, and studying people that has kept me going all these years, and that the happiness of one girl, though meaningful to me, isn't what is keeping me alive. I know that it's me doing this to myself.

I guess when your conscience speaks so fuckin' loud, you have no choice but to eventually listen to what it's saying. I don't know if it's my heart talking to me, all i know is someone is saying something. Someone is disagreeing with decisions i may make, and someone know the right ones. Someone is comforting me and helping me take my next foot forward, even though i'm visibly alone when i do it. And as it looms closer to that horrible day, the day that my curse began, my birthday, i know that i'm grateful for every stupid breath i take.

And M. Lucy. Baby girl. Love. Wife. I will always remember what we could've had. What i let go. I'll always be here whenever you need me. You taught me more than anyone ever has in the single month we were together. Even though it was short lived, i saw a lifetime of happiness through your eyes, kids, a future, and growing old. It's gone now, but it existed. And even though we broke up 2 days after my birthday, it will forever be the greatest time in my life currently.

.......Not that i want to forget you. But i do hope things get better.