Epiphany

One of my favorite words in the world is epiphany. I love them. They can be a pebble or a stone, something small that affects you, or something big that changes you. My friend and I always talk about them, always search for them. And I had 2 i would like to share. And yes this will be about Lucy.

My first epiphany came when i hung out with a good friend of mine. He's someone i recently met and we've connected strongly and we both love a girl with the same name. The only difference is that he's more lively and i'm more dark. He's religious, i'm not. He's loud, i'm reserved. He's goofy and i'm eccentric... so we're both goofy. We are similar yet completely different, it's why we get along so well. He didn't fuck up with his Lucy though. They broke up because he knew he wasn't ready and didn't want to try something they weren't ready for. They still talk all the time and the love each other, but they let each other explore other relationships until they find each other again.

.... I wish i had done that. He's a real man.

I was a boy when i met Lucy, therefore when i fucked up i tried to cover it in shame like a boy would, instead of owning up to it and trying to fight for a relationship worth having. I tucked my tail between my legs and just gave up. It was too late for us.

So i talked to my new friend about it, we'll call him Zeus, and he told me i gotta let go. I told him how much i cared about her. He knew how i felt and sensed how heart-broken i was and he gave me his advice. Always hold onto her, try to grow up and make yourself better. But i swear to God, there is someone out there better than her. And you will deserve that girl when the time comes, i promise you. But you gotta let go.

...He was right, and thus my first epiphany came.

I needed to let go, so i tried for a couple days to not fantasize about her. You see I always fantasize, and i always dream of an event where i go all out to get her to forgive me, she does, we kiss and fall in love again. Or she gives me another chance, or we look for each other, or i win her over. I've thought of hundreds and hundreds of scenarios.

I'll put it to you this way. Everyday since we broke up, i've been thinking of one.

It was a way i coped, was able to survive the day. So, i stopped doing it. I stopped looking at her facebook, i stopped thinking about her. I felt like shit, but i had enough in my life to help me feel better... but at night. She always came into my thoughts. And i tried so hard to shut it out.

One night, i remembered that the new episode of Once Upon a Time was on. Great show, i love it, don't think me a wuss. Anyways it was Prince Charming centered. The last episode i watched i cried, because it was about Rumplestiltskin. He lost the woman he loved because of his inability to trust anyone, or to believe anyone could love a monster as he. I was Rumplestiltskin. I knew i had to be... but he was such an evil person on the show. That fit with my theme of thinking i'm an evil person.

I'm the type of guy who wants to know what type of guy he is. So it bothered me enough to a point where i went looking for a quiz to tell what character from Once Upon a Time i was. I took the test, and came out with Rumplestiltskin... but i took the test using answers i thought would fit the bad person i thought i was. I took it once more, this time i answered honestly, and with a personality i've always had. I came out as Prince Charming. The first test i tied as Prince Charming, and the second test i completely was him.

Those tests are normally freakin' easy, they always have answers that pertain to the story and character archs and if you know them you can easily change into anyone you want. For example, Rumplestiltskin is known for treasuring a cup and Charming carries around a sword. The question might ask, "What item are you drawn to?" and those answers will come up, it's obvious what you'll be.

Anyways i took that quiz like 2 weeks ago knowing my results i watched the Prince Charming based episode. He was chasing after Snow White. He chased after her with his life and his mothers life on the line. He helped someone along the way, and still chased her... The truth hit me. Rumplestiltskin loved a girl but he was too much of a coward to fall for her, Charming fucked up, but was willing to travel any distance to get his girl back. You can see where i'm going with this.

In life we don't get many choices, somethings are decided for us by fate, chance, destiny. Lucy believed in Destiny, whereas I believe people can control their own. I gave up on chasing Lucy because i thought she hated me, I thought i wasn't worth it, I thought that i'd only hurt her... But that's just it. Life is full of hurt. I'd rather be the happy guy walking, then the guy trying to dodge bullets. I'd rather prove my worth than to just assume i'm worthless. And i want Lucy to tell me to my face she hates me, rather than assume she does. I'm an asshole, not because i'm a bad guy, but because i base my life on assumptions. We may not be able to change the outcome of a situation, but we can change how we handle it, we can change if we will be a Charming, or a Rumplestiltskin.

And there was my second epiphany.

And so i know where i'm going now. I still don't believe in destiny, therefore i'll set my life to proving Lucy wrong. And in that, i'll show her how much i love her. I could easily message her now and tell her but what will that prove? I can look for her now but i'm not ready. I got a job, i gotta go to school, I gotta move out. Once my life starts, my search for Lucy does too. Call me Charming, because i'd rather die fighting for love, than just quitting because of a stupid mistake.

Now there is the chance that this will not work. And by all means i expect to fail. But i'll take that leap and fall, because wherever i land would be better than where i am. Along the way i'll better myself, and i might meet someone else in the process. I'm not planning on anything except bettering myself. Whatever happens with that happens. I can't plan on uncertainty, but what i do know is this. I still love Lucy, and just saying it isn't enough. As she always told me, actions speak louder than words. So i'll chase her, because that's the only thing i'd want to do. It's time for me to act, but i'm not giving up on words either. This path had led me to write a new story, plus i'll be updating this page with info on what's going on. Until next post my friends, i wish you luck and and i hope you wish luck on me!