the Kick-It List

I didn't think i'd be writing again so soon, but since i already have this in my mind and i know what point i want to make, i might as well.

A while back, i think a year or so ago, i made a story called the Kick-it List. you can read it on Deviantart. It's basically a story about a world famous author who finds a kid about to jump over a bridge and jumps himself instead. Basically both people in the story were me, and it symbolizes a lot of things that happened in my life, and a lot of problems i have. I have enough problems to traumatize 10 people.

The main plot of the story was the Kick-it list, an idea or variation to the ever-famous bucket list. You know, things to do before you kick the bucket? My list would be, things you want to do before you DECIDE to Kick-it. Huge difference. I created it as a psychological tool in order to save myself from committing suicide. And for a while it worked. I had completely forgot i made it, and i was happy just trying to live a happy life. I was under the influence of people such as Joseph Campbell and Charles Bukowski, and i knew there was nothing more i wanted than to share thoughts that deep.

Eventually though, you know what happens to people. They fall in love and they break their hearts, parents hold them down, the lose jobs, school sucks, whatever. I had written stuff in my kick-it List that consisted of "Seeing the dead sea", "Dancing with Ellen", "writing a book", and "Seeing my name in the credits of a movie." Also a very important one, "Build a house in a place of sand." I wrote it that way, because i wasn't sure if i was going to do that in the desert, an island, or the coast of a secluded beach. After all that, and i was sure there was nothing left for me to live for, i would just end my life. In truth, i hate my parents, i lost the girl i considered my soulmate, i was backstabbed by a girl i called my best friend, and my parents had ruined many opportunities in my life and then blamed me for failing. The stress has become so much that at times its hard to breathe, at times its hard to smile, and most days, i hate that my eyes can still open to see the morning sun. Yeah i'm depressing, but that's not the character trait i cherish.

I can still get up and live through the day, i can still find a way to smile, and i can still find a way to have fun. I have the ability to help people like i dreamed. I still have to ability to inspire people. In my eyes, i died a long time ago. I died in a place i called purgatory, i died when my father divorced my mother, i died when i realized my sister didn't love me, i died when my grandmother and my grandfather died, i died when i felt i lost all that i ever, and will ever love. But i can still get up. I have more lives than a fuckin' game genie can grant. And no one see's that depressing part of me. No one see's the complete pressure i'm under, and no one see's how much i hate myself at time. Because i do not let that effect the way i live.

A long time ago, i was obsessed with a man i mentioned already named Joseph Campbell. I fell in love with him, because he taught me the meaning of life. I want to include a quote that you can find in a song called Arrow of God. It's one of my favorites from Joesph Campbell and it means something dear to me.

"Eternity isn't some later time. Eternity isn't a long time. Eternity has nothing to do with time. Eternity is that dimension of here and now which thinking and time cuts out. This is it. And if you don't get it here, you won't get it anywhere. And the experience of eternity right here and now is the function of life."

Right there is where i found out what the meaning of life was. The meaning isn't important. We are living in an eternity, this is where we are. This is what live is, a perpetual movement that just revolves around how you live your life. There isn't any deeper meaning for why we live. Life is something that should not have been. That's a quote, "Life is something that should not have been," and as Joseph Campbell put it, we are living in the very essence of a gift. We should not be here. And though i believe that one day i'm going to kill myself, whenever i hear of someone that attempts it, i feel nothing but anger. How dare they? They were given the gift of life, yes, its theirs to do what they want, but how unappreciative can you be to just throw it away like that? I respect druggies, sex addicts, alcoholics, whores, idiots, all these people i respect more than those who commit suicide. Because they live in a state of complete hedonism. Hedonism, as defined, is a lifestyle where you treasure pleasure over pain. And i can respect people who just want to go out and live a good time. If you die young, you died living.

Needless to say, i don't endorse it. I smoke pot, i'll try pills, i'll try acid. But something's i won't do, heroin, meth, and coke. Because though those are party things, you can get lost and addicted to it. And i won't let addiction run my life. I drink, and i like doing it. Because it unleashes a barrier, and i find i can think more random thoughts with it. It helps me gain some ground. I'll respect you more for doing pills, than killing yourself. But that's not by much. anybody who takes a life, i can't endorse. Murder is completely outrageous. How can you take away someone else's gift? It wasn't even yours to take.

Obviously this sounds a bit demented, but thats the way i think. Even though i'm doing bad in school, i don't have a job, I still appreciate the life i live. And i live it, however i can. I love life, and i won't argue why it's given to me, but i'll be damn sure to use it up, until i see fit to throw it away. If life was an ugly sweater i got for christmas, Hell i haven't gotten anything else from anybody, and i appreciate someone getting something for me, no matter how ugly. And you can be damned sure i will wear that sweater until i stretch it out, until it rips apart, until it's covered in stains, until i see that there's no other reason for me to wear it.